Page 25 of A Magnolia Move-In
I gave her a sheepish smile.
“I’m here to stay,” Colten piped up. “And I’m a new move-in. Do I count for your paper?”
Victoria nodded, and they fell into conversation. It was interesting to listen to him talk about his job on the force and how moving to a small town was just what he’d needed. He was tired of murders and burglaries. He just wanted the slower pace Magnolia could provide.
I hated that everyone around me seemed to know what they wanted to do. I pushed away from the table. “I need some fresh air,” I said as I wheeled myself to the door.
“I can come with you,” Fiona said, and before I couldresist, she was standing behind me with her hands wrapped around the chair’s handles.
I thought about changing my mind but decided against it. After all, I was headed out onto the deck, and I was going to need help in case I got stuck.
The air was warm and sticky but exactly what I needed. I took in a deep breath, and the salty taste tickled my taste buds. I was never going to move away from the ocean. We were one and the same.
I wheeled over to the side of the deck closest to the ocean and stared out at the blue water. I closed my eyes a moment and allowed the sound of the waves to wash over me. The sound was rhythmic and constant—a feeling that I was sorely lacking.
When I opened my eyes, movement next to me drew my attention. Fiona had moved to stand about a foot off, her elbows resting on the railing in front of her. She, too, was staring out at the ocean. I studied her for a moment, wondering why she’d asked to come out here with me.
“You know I fought it,” she finally said, catching me off guard.
I furrowed my brow. “Fought what?”
She glanced over at me. “Magnolia. Being a mom. Having a baby felt like giving up a part of myself that I was never going to get back.”
My cheeks flushed as frustration with my brother rose up inside of me. “Jackson told you?” I asked as I pressed my thumbnail into the cuticle of my other thumb.
“He didn’t tell me anything.” She shrugged. “I kind offigured it out myself. The sickness. The sleeping.” She sighed. “I spent most of my time in bed when I was pregnant with Blake.”
I wasn’t sure how I felt about this conversation. On the one hand, I wanted to deny everything. I wanted to push her away. I was determined to keep my life a secret. I feared what would happen to me if I allowed people into my mess. I didn’t want to be beholden to relationships that I might not be able to maintain.
On the other hand, I wanted to tell her. I’d felt so alone after the accident, and moving here only made that loneliness come to a head. I was aching to feel close to someone. Jackson was about as prickly as a cactus. He wasn’t the cuddly type. When I’d attempted to talk to him about my feelings in the past, he’d just brushed me off.
Plus, he hated Walker. If I told him Walker was the father and I couldn’t get ahold of him, Jackson would tell me it was fate intervening and I shouldn’t push to get him back. I was better off without a lowlife like Walker Hughes—words he’d actually said to me once.
So, having someone in my corner who knew what I was going through? It was tempting. I was willing to test the waters.
“How long did it take before you started feeling normal?” My voice was quiet, and I was afraid that the wind took my words away before she could hear them. I was trying to be more open, but I didn’t want to have to shout to do it.
Fiona laughed. It wasn’t mocking but soft andsympathetic. “Once they are born?” She glanced over at me. “But even then, you deal with crying, colic, and toddlerhood.”
She wasn’t making me want to keep this baby. I was trying to distance myself from what was growing inside of me until I knew what I was going to do, but it was hard to ignore. Especially when it made me so sick to my stomach.
She must have sensed my stress because she quickly turned to face me while waving her hand. “But all of that is to say that it’s the best thing in the world. Blake is everything I didn’t know I wanted.” She sighed. “Being a mom is exhausting, and most times there’s no reward, but those small moments where he holds your cheeks and tells you that you are beautiful…” She sighed. “It makes it all worth it.”
I hugged my chest as I turned my attention back to the water. Her words rolled around in my mind. If I’d already made my decision about the baby, I think her words would calm me. But I felt confused. Like a boat on the ocean with no lighthouse to guide me.
So instead of giving me comfort, they only made me more unsure of what I wanted. I still had dreams. Not to mention the fact that Walker wasn’t around, and I was losing faith that he would want to be.
I knew it was better to have no parent instead of an abusive one, and I wanted to give my child the best life.
Even if the best life meant without me.
“I’ve talked too much,” Fiona whispered, bringing my attention back to her.
I gave her a soft smile. I knew she was trying to help, and I was grateful for it. She just couldn’t solve my problems for me. I needed to make a decision and stick to it. Coming to that decision was something I was going to have to do alone.
Right now, my focus was on healing. I’d address the other issues later.
“Thanks,” I said.
