Page 61 of Honey Bee Library
“Hey, Bash,” I said, nodding at him.
He glanced over at me and smiled. “Hey, Sabrina.”
It was normally Abigail that kept the conversation going in this house. Bash wasn’t much of a talker. But I didn’t mind. Sometimes, you just needed to sit in silence. And Bash understood that. “How was your day at work?” Abigail asked, breaking the silence in the room. Abigail definitely didn’t understand.
I walked over to the freezer to grab a teething ring for Samuel. He happily took it and instantly began gnawing. “It was good. Busy,” I said as I turned and backed up so I could lean against the far counter.
Abigail set the plates down on the counter next to the containers of food and turned and smiled at me. I knew my sister was proud of me for getting out there, but sometimes there was something else in her smile. Pity, maybe?
It ate me alive.
“What?” I asked, doing a terrible job at hiding the bite in my tone. What I wouldn’t give to go back before Trevor left me, when Abigail still saw me as her strong big sister. Now, I was just Sabrina, the sister who needed to be perpetually bailed out of every situation.
Abigail must have noticed my tone because her eyebrows shot up. “Nothing, I just...” She glanced over at Bash. A silent conversation took place between the two of them, and I knew what was going on. She was saying, “See, this is what I’m telling you.” And his response was, “Don’t jump to conclusions.”
Ugh. This was worse than parents fighting in front of their kids.
“Did you get some honey walnut shrimp?” I asked as I sidestepped Bash to peer into the boxes he’d opened. I needed to move this forward or I was going to lose my mind.
“Uh, yeah,” Bash said, looking through a few boxes before he handed one to me. “I know it’s your favorite.”
I took it from him. “Thanks.”
I had to be strategic in the way I was holding Samuel as I dished my food. He was a ninja, and if I wasn’t careful, he’d grab the container and dump its entire contents on the ground before I could stop him.
With my plate full of shrimp, I dished up some fried rice and then grabbed a fork from the drawer on my way to the table. I set Samuel down in his high chair and shook some puffs onto his tray before I pulled up a chair to join him. He tossed his teething ring onto the ground in favor of fisting as many puffs as he could in each hand.
I could hear Abigail and Bash whispering in the kitchen. I knew that they were talking about me, but I decided to ignore it. Abigail could think what she wanted. I was going to continue living my life the way I saw fit.
They exchanged silent glances when they joined me at the table. I had to fight the urge to snap at them. I was an adult. I didn’t need a mother. I’d had that, and she was no longer here. What I needed right now was a sister who supported me. Not…whatever Abigail was trying to be.
“I need you to watch Samuel tonight,” I blurted out as I mashed up a few grains of rice with my fork and slipped it into Samuel’s eager mouth. I watched to make sure it went down before I shifted my attention to Abigail and Bash.
Abigail had paused with her hand halfway to her mouth. Her gaze was on me, and I could feel her judgement without her even speaking a word.
“Isabelle asked me if I could host the book club tonight. Since I just started, I didn’t feel like I could tell her no.” I speared a shrimp with my fork and slipped it into my mouth.
I watched as Abigail’s expression softened and her lips formed a soft “o.” “Um, yeah, of course we can do that,” she said as she glanced over at Bash, who was nodding. Then she turned her attention back to me. “I’m happy for you, Sabrina.”
I forced a smile. I liked that my sister was excited for me. I just wished she didn’t dish it up with a side of guilt. “Thanks.”
After I finished dinner, I brought Samuel into my bedroom with me so I could get ready. He played in his jumper while I slipped on a soft, floral maxi dress and then washed my face and applied some foundation and mascara.
With my hair pulled up into a banana clip, I grabbed my purse and slung it over my shoulder before I grabbed Samuel and headed out into the living room. Abigail and Bash were snuggling on the couch, watching some true crime show.
“Here’s the stinker,” I said as I handed Samuel over to Abigail, who was now sitting up with her arms extended.
She cooed before pressing a few kisses into his cheek. It was strange, seeing Abigail snuggled up next to Bash while holding Samuel. They looked like…a family. Something that I would never be able to give my son.
My stomach sank. I’d given up on Trevor ever coming back into our lives, and the truth was, I didn’t want him here. He was all headache and tequila. It hurt when he left, but after some time, I knew it was the right thing. But watching my sister and her fiancé hold my son, I realized that I was never going to be able to give this to Samuel.
I loved my son, and I would do anything for him. But I’d only just found a job to provide the necessities. With my track record, who knew how long it would take before I found the right father for him—if I ever did.
I took in a deep breath, shoved my purse strap further up onto my shoulder and forced a smile. “I’m going to head out,” I said, and before either of them could answer, I made my way to the front door and pulled it open.
Once I was alone in the hallway with the door shut, a soft sob escaped my lips. I covered my mouth and leaned against the wall, closing my eyes as I let my heart break. I wanted to be okay with having to be enough for my son. After all, I knew that single moms could go the distance. I just couldn’t help but feel like I was failing Samuel when I saw what he could have had.
I allowed myself to feel bad for my situation for exactly one minute before I wiped away the tears that had slipped down my face, squared my shoulders, and headed out of our apartment building. The cool evening air hit me as I pushed on the door release and walked outside. I took in a deep, cleansing breath, hoping to ground myself in the present. I had a job to do and showing up a blubbering mess wasn’t going to make anyone feel bookish.
