Page 19 of Leave Me Behind
My eyes are wide and all I can muster is a curt nod.
Eren has the same gentle demeanor I sensed when we met on the plane. It makes me hopeful that I’ve grown a bit on his good side again. God, I wish it were him I’d brought back to the hotel instead of his psychotic twin.
The rest of the squad gives me dark expressions, but none of them are as grim as Bradshaw’s. He looks like he’d rather eat dirt than share a post with me.
We get as comfortable as we can in the underbrush. Branches and insects make it difficult, but at least it isn’t raining. It definitely could be worse. We’re fortunate it’s the middle of fall and not the dead of winter.
We eat our MREs in silence and then break apart into our sleeping posts. My shoulders can’t be the only ones that hurt after carrying a pack all day. Bradshaw is tight against my side and I try as hard as I can to ignore his presence. Our altercation earlier comes back to me and guilt tugs in the back of my mind.
I know I shouldn’t have said those things. No matter what he said to spur it on. It’s eating away at me.
“Bones,” I whisper.
He doesn’t respond right away. I wonder if he’s sleeping already, but I doubt someone as traumatized as him can find rest so easily. God knows I can’t.
“What?” he says in a low, irritated voice.
“I’m sorry about what I said about Achilles. It was out of line.” The words hang between us and stretch the silence until I’m certain he won’t reply.
He shifts and I turn my head enough to look at him. He rolled to his other side to face away from me. My teeth gnash together but I force the muscles in my jaw to relax.
I knew I wasn’t getting an apology back, but it still irks me.
My head is heavy and my thoughts falter before I eventually find sleep.
A boot against my arm snaps me awake.
I sit up quickly and blink up at Bradshaw. He doesn’t look like he got a wink of sleep. Dark circles ring his lower lids. It’s pitch black and I can only make out his features with the lighter he holds near his face as he lights a cigarette. He lifts the bottom of his mask to take a puff before nodding toward the night watch post and waits while I stand and grab my rifle.
Eren and Harrison give us a once-over before making their way to their brush bedding. Too tired for words, I imagine, just as I am. I watch Eren until his figure disappears into the dark. Dread swallows me whole as I sit down beside Bradshaw.
The first twenty minutes pass slowly. The forest is loud with crickets and the sound of bats swooping between pine boughs. My eyes remain trained on the distant bush lines, waiting for any signs of movement.
“I’m sorry.”
He hadn’t spoken for so long that his voice startles me. I stare at him blankly.
Bradshaw doesn’t glance at me as he speaks. “About Jenkins. I shouldn’t have dragged his name through the mud.” His voice is low and husky. My eyes narrow with pain at the sound of Jenkins’s name.
A beat of awkward silence follows because I’m unsure what to say. But I finally decide to try to make peace with the devil, if he’s willing.
“You know, he was the only reason I survived in the dark forces,” I say, voice raspy. I haven’t talked about Jenkins out loud since he died. He lives solely in my mind. For some reason, it’s easier to tell your secrets to people you don’t know very well. Bradshaw turns his head in my direction and stares at me. For the first time it’s void of loathing, instead I find a subtle curiosity there. “He was the only one who saw the real me and trained me to be like him.”
Bradshaw blinks slowly and I spot a hint of a smirk from beneath his mask.
“Was he the only one who knew you were a little reaper deep down?” His tone isn’t cruel, but somehow it still stings. Is it that obvious?
I force my eyes away and choose to ignore his comment. I shouldn’t have told him I thought of myself as one. “I wasn’t a reaper yet. I was only twenty. Stupid and emotional still. I think he saw bits of himself in me and the hazing I endured was hard for him to watch without stepping in… I also killed a squadmate and made it look like an accident.” I glance back at Bradshaw. His eyes are hollow, patient. Unfazed by my admittance. “He helped me become a reaper because he liked that part of me. The part that killed against the rules.”
“You don’t think he was just trying to fuck you?”
A flash of heat spreads over my cheeks and my stomach twists with rage.
Bradshaw lets a couple low chuckles reverberate through the air between us. “Oh shit, you two did fuck, didn’t you? Did you trick him like you tricked me?” The cold-hearted asshole is back. Or maybe he never left and he was only baiting me.
“What’s your problem with me?” I ask and try to keep the bite out of it.
He gives me a stern look, those weary lines beneath his eyes pulling on my heart more than they should.
