Page 41 of Leave Me Behind
I swallow before muttering, “They say I’m the least hesitant shot there is.”
“Yes, so I’ve heard.” His voice is dull. Thoughtful.
“That’s why I was reassigned to Malum. To be useful.”
Eren’s smile fades. “Yeah.” His eyes lose their playfulness and he stares at me solemnly for a beat. “Tell me somethingabout you that isn’t military related.” He changes the subject sharply.
I open my mouth to respond but find my mind empty.Something that isn’t military.That’s all I am. Eren’s brows furrow and he sighs.
“You think of yourself as only some war machine, Nell. But you’re a person first. A weapon second. Would it help if I started?” He nudges me and I nod with a slight lift of my shoulder.
He’s wrong; I’m a weapon first.
He chuckles before smiling and turning his attention to the few stars we can see from beneath the trees. At least the mountains make the world quiet and dark. “I always wanted to be an astronomer. The universe is fascinating and holds many unknowns. I wanted to know all of the constellations and the galaxies beyond galaxies. I wanted the world.”
My breath catches in my chest. “You? An astronomer?” It seems laughable, because Eren is nothing but muscle and beauty. He looks to have been born for his current predicament. He certainly has the emotional off-switch for it.
He laughs. “I know. I’m nowhere smart enough to be one either, but I dreamt it once upon a time.” His voice curls around me and breaks down a few walls I had firmly cemented up.
I let my gaze fall to my hands.What did I want to be? Do I even remember?That seems like a few lifetimes ago and after the life I’ve lived and all the things I’ve taken… anything I once wanted to be seems so senseless now. My perception of the world has changed. But, yes, I suppose there wasonething that I dreamt of once.
“I wanted to own a small coffee shop. I’d sell books there too.” A smile stretches over my face as I remember my whimsical vision. I was fourteen and still somewhat normal. “The one I dreamt of was a sort of townhouse, stones on the exterior likeyou read about in fairy books. I would live on the second story of it. In the morning my husband would go downstairs and start early, brewing coffee until the bitter scent would wake me and I’d wrap myself in a robe and tiptoe downstairs to hug him tight. We’d read and open the shop at nine and then close at three. Spend the rest of the day gardening, exploring, or—” I once dreamt of a family, but I decide to avoid that. “Or just enjoying the afternoons together.”
I realize I rambled and look up to see if Eren has lost interest, but it’s the opposite. His eyes are intense and heartfelt. A shadow of a grin tugs at the corner of his lips.
“That sounds a hell of a lot better than being a fucking astronomer.” His shoulders shake with his laughter. “Why didn’t you pursue the coffee shop? How did you end up… well,here?”
That’s a loaded question. I’m sure he’s read my file four times over and knows exactly how. He just wants to hear me say it. But unlike with Ian, I’ll tell Eren.
“Because real life isn’t made of fairytales and sugar drops.”
Eren stares at me patiently, waiting for the real story. I sigh.
“I discovered I was a good shot when my father took me hunting at a young age. We were really poor and had to hunt for most of our food. I watched the lights go out of that deer and it was then that I realized how disturbed I truly was. How thoroughly I enjoyed killing things. It was the only thing I was good at.”
His face is blank. As I thought. He knew.
“My parents were murdered when I was fifteen. It was a home invasion in the dead of winter. The men woke me up and tied me to a chair. They were after my dad for something he stole from them. We didn’t have much and anything he took was likely to keep us fed. I watched them beat him until he was unrecognizable. Until he was dead. Then I watched as they rapedmy mom. They put a bullet through her head when they were done and then I was next.”
I let the words trail and the hush of the forest around us stirs with the breeze. Eren stares into the dark, listening with a set jaw.
“They thought I was pretty. They thought they could take me with them since I was young. They were fucking stupid.” Eren’s eyes shift to me, his face stone. “The second I was untied I tore a man’s throat open with my bare hands. If you know the soft spots of the body, it’s easy, almost designed that way. I shot the second one in the face three times. The third man I hunted through our woods. I made him beg before I cut his innards out and shoved snow inside him while he seized. I wanted him to feel the cold. The cold I always felt inside. I should’ve shoved his guts in his mouth instead.”
Eren stares at me, a distinct sorrow in his gaze.
“You already knew that, though—what I did for the dark forces to collect me—so why did you ask?” I level him an appraising gaze.
He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I wanted to see if you’d lie. You can tell a lot about someone that way.”
I narrow my eyes at him. A bit calculating for the cheerful sergeant.
“I think the worst part was that I liked it,” I mutter to see what his features will betray.
“Fuck… you reallyarelike Bones. He’s a monster too.” Eren’s voice is low and more withheld, but his eyes don’t falter.
I try to picture how the two of them looked as children—one normal and one insane. How the two of them ended up here like me. Because no one gets into the dark forces faction without a fucked up past.
So what did Eren do to get here?
