Page 58 of Leave Me Behind
My mind is so damn loud; I let her comfort me. For the first time, I don’t care if others see me in a weak state. I just want her to hold me and continue to brush my hair back from my face. It brings back distant memories of when I was a child, when, for a brief moment under the sun, I was loved.
Right now, I’m not a dark forces war dog who cuts throats, and she’s not the heartless soldier who blows brains out without blinking. Instead we’re two wounded creatures, circling one another in our cage, curious about what will happen if we give in and collide.
At least my mask covers my grinding jaw and the anguish that pulls at my frown. She really is a beautiful, dangerous thing, just as Jenkins said she was. A warning he gave us when he’d only just got her himself. Eren worked with him often, but I only remember how much he spoke of his new recruit. I had no idea she lived up to his words.
A Riøt onmysquad, I never thought I’d see the day.
And for the first time since I lost Abrahm, I feel distinct fear enter my soul. I cannot let her die like he did.
I will not survive it.
twenty-two
. . .
Nell
He’s not aseasy to hate when his eyes are closed. Not when he’s allowing himself to receive a bit of comfort. It’s strange to me that I’m so drawn to wounded things—helpless creatures that I know can still turn and bite. Bradshaw holds himself well, the image of an impenetrable mind and body, but one hit in a training and he’s a shell of a man.
Is it his pride? Or maybe he’s just worn down from it all.
I look up at the others as they scramble to get medical personnel over here. He’s not hurt physically. But something is wrong. He can hardly keep his eyes open and in his vulnerability, he’s seeking my comfort. It makes my heart ache. I gently brush his hair from his face.
“What will you do on the other side? You know, after you get your cards,” I ask, trying to keep him awake as long as possible. He cracks his eyes open enough to gaze up at me; there is a dark calm in them that sends a shudder down my spine.
“I’ll be dead before I get my cards, Bun. I can’t go back to normality, just like you can’t.” His voice is raspy and the determination in his gaze is stone.
My brows crease. “Not before I do. I’ve got your back. Have you forgotten? If you put yourself in danger, you’ll have to watch me die first.”
“You’re so fucking annoying,” he says, frowning. His defeated sigh makes me still. It’s the first time I’ve seen him completely overcome.
What’s that saying? Don’t meet your heroes.
I wouldn’t exactly say that he was myhero,but he was certainly a soldier I looked up to. So many of us have. He was unbreakable. But now that I’m close enough to see his flaws, it’s clear to me that he’s human and not some devil sent from the underworld. He is flesh and bone. He has trauma just as deep and red as the fallen comrades before us.
Ian lingers ten feet away, stealing glances at us. He seems too enthralled to stop himself. It’s probably the first time he’s witnessed this soft side from Bones. It makes me wonder if Abrahm ever had a chance to see this side of him.
Eren’s voice booms, shouting orders at both the hostile squad and Malum before locking eyes with me. Shock rivets through his face as he takes us in. I quickly withdraw my hand from Bradshaw’s cheek, worried that I’m showing too much affection on the field. But Bradshaw’s hand shoots out quickly, grabbing my wrist and placing my palm back against his face.
“Don’t let go,” he murmurs. I wish I could take off his mask and let him breathe more comfortably.
“Everyone can see us,” I whisper.
“I don’t care.”
His clear disdain for me has faltered and I find the same shift inside my own heart. We remain together while we wait for thechopper and even on the ride back to base. He’s reluctant to stray too far from my side.
My skin pebbles under Eren’s dark gaze. He hates how Bradshaw is clinging to me, but it doesn’t explain the ill intent that lingers in his eyes. I try to focus on keeping Bradshaw’s head comfortable on my lap, but I know Eren doesn’t look away for one second.
Bradshaw was taken to the infirmary and hasn’t come out for hours. I sit restlessly on the floor in the hallway, unsure why I feel so reluctant to leave. I decide I’ll wait to hear how he is before going back to my room.
There’s a row of chairs, but the tile is cool on the back of my legs, so I lean my head against the wall as I consider what might happen after today’s mission. It’s the second time I’ve proven my worth. I doubt anyone will try to step in my way again.
My arms are wrapped around my knees and I let my head rest on my shoulder. The entire front side of my tactical gear is covered in dirt and red powder from holding Bradshaw.
“Hey.”
I glance up without lifting my chin from my jacket. Jefferson raises his hand in a feeble attempt at friendliness. I firm my lips and raise a brow in question. He’s the tallest of us, but from where I sit on the floor he looks even more like a giant. He crouches beside me and lets his back hit the wall with a softthump.
