Page 92 of Leave Me Behind
But I’m relieved he’ll spare them. I’ll stay here in hell with him—my evil one.
His hands move as I remember, smooth and soft, lifting my shirt and pulling down my pants like a lover would. He touches my body and brushes his fingers over bullet holes and gashes in my skin, both fresh and old. I stare at Bradshaw. I look at him for as long as I can. Memorizing every detail of his face, every dip in his skin. He’s going to be the last thought I have when I die.
I love him… I love him, and I’m never going to tell him that. He won’t stay away if I do.
Bradshaw watches as Jenkins takes me. All the men in the room do. But my mind is steel. I hold onto Bradshaw’s tears as they stream down his bloodstained face. I count them as they fall. Then I realize I’m crying too.
Jenkins licks the tears from my face and whispers sweet nothings into my ear. When he finishes, I sit slumped with his jacket over my shoulders, come leaking out from between my legs.
“Nowthatis a heartbroken man.” Jenkins laughs. He guides me up tenderly and allows me to approach Bradshaw. I underestimated how much he truly loves misery. Or maybe I just turned a blind eye to it because I didn’t want to see his darkest side.
I kneel beside Bradshaw and look into his icy blue eyes for the last time. “You will leave this place and never look back.” That is the only thing I can manage to say. I make it as cruel as I can.
Bradshaw studies my face. His expression is so emotionally torn up that it makes my heart wrench. “You think I’m leaving you? This isn’t goodbye.” His raspy voice tears into my soul.
I shake my head. “It is. Live your life and forget about me.” Bradshaw leans in and kisses me. I shut my eyes and let his lovely lips imprint on mine before remembering myself and shoving him off.
Don’t let him stay.
“There is no life without you. There wasn’t one before, there sure as fuck won’t be one after,” he whispers. His eyes narrow with misery. “I love you, Bunny.”
He… loves me.I didn’t know how much those words could hurt, especially when you can’t have the only thing you love.
Jenkins shifts behind me and I tighten my hold on the coat covering my body. I let a small part of my soul grieve as I force out the words. “Leave me behind, Bradshaw.”
He lets out a broken laugh, tears falling into his mouth. “Do you love me?”
I can’t say it.I can’t.
Jenkins’s smile becomes grim as he waits for my reply.
If I tell him, it will only prolong both our pain. My hollow stare makes Bradshaw’s jaw flex, and something changes in his eyes. I know a broken heart when I see one shattering in front of me and I don’t know how I’ll live with it.
Jenkins keeps his word. He sends Eren back with Bradshaw and we watch the two of them from the roof of the fortress. Malum Squad meets them half a klick from the fortress and they disappear into the Labrador mountains.
Bradshaw left without looking back, taking what was left of my heart with him.
thirty-seven
. . .
Nell
Three years later
A monster has many faces,but Jenkins only ever shows me the one I admire most. I cherish our morning walks around the frozen lakes, late mornings in bed, and the lavish plane rides to London and Florence. He dotes on my every wish. If not for meeting Bradshaw, I would love him entirely. I’m sure of it.
I’d let myself be the vile killing machine I once was. But I hold onto hope that one day I might see Bradshaw again, perhaps in passing. He must look older now, closer to his midthirties. Even I look older. Though, he would hardly recognize me now.
Three years is such a long time.
I haven’t killed a person since that night we were captured. Jenkins lets me be by his side and watch his dirty work, but he never asks me to participate.
Eren would be happy if he could see me now, in the dresses I wear and the civilian clothes I lounge in rather than tactical gear and vests.
Yeah,they wouldn’t even recognize me.I muse.
“What are you smiling about, love?” Jenkins kisses the back of my neck as we roll in the sheets. I grin at the sun rising over the misty mountains.
