Page 94 of Leave Me Behind
Jenkins leftfor London last night. He’s been anxious about something going down with his operations there. I know they’ve moved a big supply ship in the last week, but it’s not unusual for him to not tell me what’s going on. Nor do I care to know all the details.
I find solace in having time alone. Well, aside from the two soldiers who accompany me anywhere outside my room. They constantly remind me that my life with Jenkins is not a choice—even if I’ve long since made my peace with it.
Deep down I think Jenkins knows I might entertain the idea of leaving if I had the opportunity. But I don’t mind my life with Jenkins. Our nights are warm and the days are peaceful.
I think that’s what keeps him up at night. What has him gazing upon me while he thinks I’m asleep. His dangerous fingers that glide over my throat, his lips that kiss my scars. Asmuch as I resent him for what he’s done, I still love him. Our love is old, harrowing and rotten to the core, but it is ours.
It’s late June now and the flowers on the hillside are finally blooming. I take a blanket and some bagels for a small picnic. Drake and Paul are my assigned guards and have warmed up to me considerably, especially after Jenkins made it known that I was special to him.
I think Paul is still a little sour over his old partner getting a knife to the head—like Greg did—for touching me though.
“Hey, the poppies are finally opening up!” Drake sounds more excited than I am. He kneels down in his military grade uniform and plucks a couple from the thousands we planted last summer. His light brown hair is short with a fade cut down the sides.
I smile at the bundle he hands me. Paul just spreads out the blanket and grabs a bagel. We sit in a small circle and share our boring lives as the three people who do literally nothing around here.
“Do you guys ever think about quitting? Leaving this world and living a normal life?” I ask absent-mindedly as I flip pages in a romance book.
They share a look before turning their heads to me. I take notice and wait for them to reply. Drake glances around uncomfortably before muttering, “No one leaves, Nell. The only way out is death.”
My frown deepens. “What?” Jenkins doesn’t give them terms like the dark forces? That seems unfair, considering how against that rule he was when we served for Riøt. He always thought the cards should be given out sooner. He knew as well as I did that the general leaned toward having soldiers “expire” in the field rather than earn their freedom. So I’m shocked he has adopted a crueler rule.
Paul nods. “It’s a life commitment. No matter if you change your mind later. The secrets and knowledge we have of his arms deals are too sensitive to be leaked.”
“That’s awful,” I say between bites of my bagel, thinking of my merciless Jenkins. “Would you leave? You know, if it was an option?” I study their expressions carefully.
Drake lowers his eyes. It’s Paul who surprises me. “I would.” Drake’s head snaps up at him and his expression fills with alarm.
“You can’t say that,” Drake hisses.
Paul waves him off. “It’s just Nell. She wouldn’t say anything to Jenkins.”
I smile at his faith in me.
“What about you, Nell? Is this where you want to be?” Drake finishes his bagel and leans forward on his knees.
My lie comes out filled with sorrow. “Yeah, of course.”
I think of Bradshaw again. He lives in my mind as Jenkins once had. Funny how they’ve swapped places. I wonder if he got Eren back home safely. I smile as I imagine him on his surfboard, doing everyday things. What would his children look like?
My soul aches and I have to close my eyes at the reminiscent thoughts.
My home will always be with Bradshaw. I wish I could remember his smile instead of the pain I saw before he left.
The world is better without monsters like me in it. I don’t fight my fate, even if it fucking hurts.
But sometimes, I imagine him coming back for me and wrapping his arms around me again.
We walk around the lake and pick more flowers before sunset. Then I find myself back in my room, sprawled over my expensive sheets and staring at the ceiling. I count the textured patterns in the paint like every night when I try to find sleep. But it evades me tonight.
The door to my room creaks open, but I ignore the guest. Soldiers pop in every hour to make sure I’m in here and not making a break for it, sometimes sooner if Jenkins is feeling anxious while he’s away.
The man walks to the edge of the bed and stands silently until I can no longer ignore him. I push up on my elbows and glare at him. “What do you think you’re—” My breath catches in my lungs as I stare at a man dressed in a black uniform. His mask covers his lower face, but I know him just from the shape of his cheeks and the broken pale eyes that gaze down upon me with heartache.
“Bradshaw?” My voice is weak. I can’t move. I’m frozen with the emotions that seep into my veins.
“Hey, Bunny.” His voice falters, and he slowly goes down to his knees where my legs hang over the edge of the bed. His gloved hands gently touch my thighs and I crumble with him.
“You weren’t supposed to come back for me, you idiot.” I sob. He wipes my tears as he takes me in.
