Page 14 of Generally Hospitable
“At your feet, dummy,” she squeaked.
The most glorious sight I’d seen in a long time was nestled next to my combat boot. From her tiny ears to her adorable little paws, Irma was gorgeous. A sweeter snout I’d never seen.
“You’re in mouse form,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Duh,” she said with a squeak. “You’re very observant for a bitch Goddess.”
Her little black nose twitched with delight as I bent down and picked her up. Demons were terrified of mice. I found that hilarious, but it was true. I’d seen Irma Stoutwagon clear a room of some of the most vicious Demons I’d ever come across when she’d been in mouse form.
I’d met Irma—the person, not the mouse—in my early twenties at a humiliating callback for a show called Lou’s News. Neither one of us had gotten the job, and at the time, I’d secretly named her Obnoxious Pony Tail Girl—because it accurately described her. Now? Now she was my friend and one of my most loyal subjects. Irma was vicious in battle and could shape shift into a mouse. It was a killer combo.
“The others,” I said quickly. “Are they alive?”
I held my breath as I waited for the answer.
“We most certainly are, Bitch Goddess Cecily!” Corny Crackers announced as he crawled out from under one of the couches. The Demon was as naked as the day he was born. That wasn’t unexpected. He was a nudist. He was nuts. And I adored him.
Early on, Corny Crackers had been described to me as perverted and able to fly. Both were true. I’d done an embarrassing Hallmark movie with Corny a few years back. He’d played my dad. My character, Miranda Diamond, had moved back from the big city to help him with our failing Christmas tree business. Much to my own personal horror, Miranda had given up her swanky job in NYC and fell in love with a lumberjack who didn’t speak English. Dolph Gunther—played by a guy I couldn’t even remember—was supposed to be German but sounded more like The Swedish Chef from The Muppets. He’d also had bad breath, and there was far too much kissing in that movie. I’d refused to watch it when it aired. Sean and Man-mom had thought it was hilarious. It wasn’t supposed to be a comedy.
Corny had been a pain in the ass back in the day, but was a good friend now. He’d been closeted during his years in Hollywood, which had made him overdo it on the macho. Back then, he would have been blacklisted for being gay. Those times were over. I had no room in my life for prejudice of any kind. In fact, Corny and my dead Uncle Joe were dating. It was as weird as it was lovely. The fact that they were both nudists had been a terrific bonding experience for them. Not as much for everyone who had to see their wrinkly balls on the regular, but if that was the price we had to pay to witness true love, then, so be it.
I ran to my buddy and hugged him, careful to avoid his dangling junk.
“How? How are you alive?”
“We’re badasses, Bitch Goddess Cecily,” Moon Sunny Swartz announced as she dropped down to the floor from her hiding place in one of the massive crystal chandeliers.
She gave me a big smile and an even bigger hug. Moon was certifiable. The Demon had zero fear of repercussion and could attract danger by humming. She was one of my favorites.
There wasn’t a whole lot more to say about Moon Swartz except that she was a former actress who I’d worked with. She basically became un-hirable in Hollywood. The insane gal was known for playing pranks on sets. Last I’d heard, she’d had at least nine restraining orders taken out on her. I’d done a TV pilot with her about six years ago. Moon had been caught getting jiggy with the furniture on the living room set during the lunch break. The couch hadn’t survived. Unfortunately, thedebasement of the furniture was on the day the studio heads were watching the show. She’d recorded it and put it on the internet. Suffice it to say, the show didn’t get picked up.
However, that was her past. Well, mostly. I’d had to electrocute her a few times for humping my furniture, but her other qualities more than made up for her disgusting ones.
“I am so happy to see you,” I said, meaning every word.
“Back at ya!” she said.
“What about Jonny and Stella?” I asked, glancing around.
“At your service, Bitch Goddess Cecily,” Jonny said, appearing in front of me.
Jonny was super good-looking, and people often commented on how he was as stupid as he was handsome, but I knew he was a lot savvier than he let on.
I’d done an infomercial with Jonny ten years ago for a knock-off version of Transformers. Instead of a robot turning into a cool car, it was a possessed-looking doll that turned into a flower pot. It had been taken off the market when customers complained about the crotch of the doll being too anatomically correct. I’d had nightmares about that freaking doll for months. However, the money had been too good to turn down.
I threw my arms around him and gave him a quick hug, but gagged a little at his scent. He had the ability to render himself invisible, which made him a valuable player on my team, but when he went invisible, his body released the faint scent of rotten eggs into the air. Normally, the smell grossed me out. Today, I would happily wear it as perfume.
On top of his invisibility, he was incredible in battle and turned into what basically amounted to a monster. The first time I’d seen it, I’d been horrified. Now, I found it endearing.
Call me crazy, but loyal, badass subjects were not a dime a dozen. When I found them, I wanted to keep them close.
“Okay,” I said, looking around. “Where’s Stella?”
“Here!” Stella Stevens shouted as she crawled out from underneath the dais. Stella was known as a backstabber who could sense danger. Those were outstanding qualities in our world.
She was all Demon with a whole lot of Botox and silicone added into the mix. Her bosom was legendary as she enjoyed reminding everyone at all times. When I knew her twenty years ago, I would have described her as a five-foot nothing waste of space. She’d put itching powder down the back of my pants right before what could have been a life-changing callback for a superhero movie. Suffice it to say, I hadn’t gotten the job, and I hadn’t been fond of Stella after. But that was then. This was now.
Stella was another of my trusted people. She was out of control in battle and her famous rack could shoot bullets. For real. Her knockers were known and revered in the demonic world far and wide.
