Page 16 of Generally Hospitable
“Umm… question,” Irma squeaked. “Should I go back to my human form?”
“Yes.” It was a good idea. I had no clue if a toothpick would work on a mouse. Losing any more of my people wasn’t happening.
Irma crawled out of my pocket, then shifted back to her blonde-haired human form. She glanced around and wrinkled her pert little nose. “Your castle is decorated for shit. I mean, I’m all in for a little bit of tacky, but this is fugly.”
“Not my castle,” I said.
Corny’s brow wrinkled in thought. “But, alas, Bitch Goddess Cecily, it is your castle. It was your mother’s and now it’s yours. I’d be delighted to redecorate for you. I have excellent taste.”
“Oh my god,” I muttered, wanting to punch myself in the head. “Itismy castle. It’s my freaking castle!”
How in the heck could I be so obtuse? This was my castle. Now that I had my magic back, I could command it to obey me. I’d created a door to enter the throne room. I could create a door to leave it. Just as I was about to take a shot at commanding my castle to make a door to the outside world, a new problem showed up. It was the execution squad, consisting of twelve Demons, glowing ominously and armed to the teeth.
“Change of plans,” I muttered. “We’re going to have to fight our way out. You guys ready?”
“Born ready, Bitch Goddess Cecily,” they shouted in unison.
And that’s when the party really got started.
CHAPTER FIVE
The enemy stoodon the far-left side of the room, and we stood on the right. We were separated by the heinous white pleather chairs and a few bronze tables. They were well armed, but we were batshit crazy. That definitely counted for something. We’d been in far worse situations, and the odds weren’t horrible. There were twelve of them and six of us. That meant two apiece. We’d done it before. We could do it again.
We had to.
“Which one of you is the half breed?” the Demon in the front of the deadly pack bellowed. Spittle and rage flew from his lips. “We have been ordered to end the life of the half breed.”
“Way to play all your cards upfront, loser,” Irma muttered under her breath.
The flaming asshole growled menacingly. He was bloodthirsty and disgusting. All of them were. They were on fire. Literally. Green fire with icy-blue sparks danced and crackled all over their enormous bodies. They stood well over six feet tall and were all bulging muscle. The putrid scent of sulfur permeated the air.
Normally—normal being a relative word in our case—a Demon looked like any random human you might see onthe streets of any town in the world. However, the bad dudes loved to Hulk out and stink like farts and rotten eggs. It was awesome…
“I asked a question,” the leader of the skank pack repeated at a volume that made my ears ring. “Answer me.”
Corny Cracker’s stepped forward in all his buck-naked glory. “I’m the half breed.”
My mouth hung open in horrified surprise. Just as the flaming assholes were about to execute the clothing-impaired Corny Crackers, Irma shoved him out of the way.
“Nope,” Irma announced with an eye roll that was almost as good as Pandora’s. “He’s lying. I’m the half breed, you stank ass mother fuckers.”
What the hell was happening here? Were they trying to die in my place? While very polite and noble, it wasn’t going to go down like that. I was their Goddess. They were my people. My job was to protect them, not the other way around.
“Wrong,” Stella shouted, knocking Irma out of her way. “Me and my magical hooters are the half breed.”
My friend was topless, and her silicone-enhanced knockers were on full display. The flaming assholes were entranced. Stella was a full-on weapon of mass destruction—she could destroy a mind, a body and a soul. Occasionally, I’d label her a weapon of mass confusion, but not today.
“For the love of everything bullshitty,” Jonny grumbled as he stepped out in front of the pack of idiots. “I’m the half breed. Hence, why I’m so irresistibly handsome.”
That elicited a few groans from my tiny army. But Jonny was like a honey badger—he didn’t give a fuck. He took a bow and pumped his arms over his head in victory.
Now it was apparently Moon’s turn to fib. She did it with embarrassing panache. “No can do, liars. I’m the half breed. How many normal Demons do you know who can fornicatewith furniture? Huh? How many? That’s right, NONE. I’m the half breed and I have zero fucks to give,” Moon shouted as she mounted the white pleather chair and did her thing. It was disturbing—kind of like watching an animal in frenzied heat who was attracted to inanimate objects. Even the flaming assholes looked away.
“This is absolutely absurd,” Corny insisted, shielding his eyes from Moon’s pornographic display. “I’m the half breed. And, for your information, zero fucks to give in German can be translated to, it’s sausage to me!”
“Oh my hell,” I muttered. If this was the new game, I was in. I kind of spoke a few languages. Not well, but well enough to add my two cents to the farce we were performing. “Actually, I’m the half breed. And in Spanish, zero fucks to give is, I care a cucumber.”
“People, people, people,” Jonny said, shaking his head and throwing his hands in the air. “I am the true half breed. And in Dutch, zero fucks to give is, it can oxidize my anus. Which, by the way, is very handsome as well—my anus, that is… just in case you were confused.”
