Page 17 of Generally Hospitable
The flaming assholes weren’t sure what to do with the situation. I wasn’t sure either, but at least no one had died yet. I’d take a win anywhere I could get it.
“While I’m amused at the Dutch translation,” Irma said, flipping all of us off, including the bewildered flaming assholes. “As I stated prior, I’m the half breed. And in French, zero fucks to give is, I slap my balls on it.”
“Listen to me, you lying thieving sons of bitches,” Stella shrieked, hopping up and down. Her knockers were hypnotic. They were bouncing so energetically, I was worried she’d smack herself in the face with them. “I’m the half breed. And, not to be left out, me and my tits would like to tell you that zero fucks to give in Finnish is, it interests me as much as a kilogram of shit.”
Glances were exchanged between the evil assassins. They appeared to be as stupid as their leader, Chub Chub Wang. After conferring for five minutes, the leader stepped forward again. “Who is the owner of the castle?”
The smile of victory on his face was clear evidence that he thought he’d pulled a fast one. He had not. In unison, we all raised our hands.
But… his questioned knocked me out of the farce and back into reality. I was the half breed owner of the castle. If I could command my castle to create a door, I wondered what else I could command my castle to do.
“Screw all of you,” the head baddie screamed. “I don’t care which of you is the half breed. KILL THEM ALL.”
They came at us with speed and deadly precision. The fun and games were over and the ugly had begun.
Stella was ready. A steady stream of sharp objects ejected from her nipples. The blades were like heat seeking missiles and flew straight at the enemy. Jonny, proving beyond a doubt that he truly had zero fucks to give, morphed into an eight-foot monster with claws and fangs that would put any special effects movie crew to shame. When he opened his jaw, his head looked like it detached.
Corny wielded his knitting needles with skill. I’d seen the Demon decapitate many a bad guy with his knitting sticks. It was insane. Moon spit in the air and started a fire. She had the control to direct where the fire burned. Right now, it circled the flaming assholes. Fire wouldn’t end them, but it definitely slowed them down.
And Irma… my girl was something else. With a scream so high-pitched it shattered all the crystal chandeliers in the throne room, she went into battle like a Tasmanian Devil on a month-long cocaine bender. She was out of control.
While the enemy might be stupid, it didn’t mean they couldn’t fight. They could and they did. We were winning at the moment, but not by much.
It was time to test a theory. With a purple fire sword in each hand, I shouted with authority at the castle my mother had built and now belonged to me. With Pandora’s advice in mind to let the castle know I meant business, I let it rip. My voice was sure, strong, and loud. “I order you to open the floor and suck the flaming assholes out of my sight… never to be seen or heard from again. I command you to do it NOW.”
The floor began to tremble. The walls rocked on their foundation. The throne that Chub Chub Wang had defiled by sitting his traitorous ass on, crumbled and turned to dust.
I was a little worried that I hadn’t been specific enough with my order and we all might die.
The fighting paused, and all participants glanced around in panic. No one knew what was happening. I did. I just didn’t know how it was going to play out. I shouldn’t have worried. This was my castle. I was the Bitch Goddess Cecily, and no one was going to mess with me or my people in my own crib. If this ended up working out, maybe I wouldn’t incinerate the castle…
The shock on the faces of the flaming assholes as the bejeweled marble floor cracked open under their feet was priceless. Massive gray ghostly hands that would probably star in my nightmares for years to come reached up from the bowels of the earth and, one by one, each of the Demons who had come to end me met a very grisly demise. Irma, Stella, Moon, Corny, and Jonny watched in wide-eyed horror as my command was obeyed, and the flaming assholes were yanked through the floor and out of the castle… for good.
The silence that followed the storm was deafening. Even I was speechless.
“Welp, that was some kind of shit,” Irma commented, looking over the side of the open crater.
“Word,” Moon agreed, checking out the damage. “You gonna leave that open?”
“Umm…” It was a good question. I kind of figured it would close on its own, but it wasn’t looking that way. “I guess closing it would be smart.”
“I would say so,” Corny agreed, floating above the massive hole and examining it. “It would be dreadful to be sleepwalking or just skipping around the castle and accidentally fall into the abyss.” He stared some more. “Bitch Goddess Cecily, do you know where the abyss leads to?”
He had me there… “Actually, no. Should I?”
My question was studiously considered by my little army of five.
Stella was the soldier to answer first—still topless, still nuts. “Look, I say what happens in the castle stays in the castle. Kind of like Vegas. What people don’t know can’t hurt them—including us.”
While that was a little vague, I got the general concept.
“Here’s the deal,” Moon added, peeking over the edge. “Doesn’t matter where those evil shits went. They’re gone. I say better them than us. Although I’d like to add that those hands that popped out of there almost made me shit my pants.” She turned and faced us, gesticulating wildly with her hands. “But whatever. Bitch Goddess Cecily is an unconventional kind of leader. I’ve spent my entire life being told weird, crazy and insane is wrong. That’s bullshit. How can weird be wrong when the greatest Goddess of all time is batshit, balls-to-the-wall bonkers? Right?”
“Interesting observation,” Jonny said, pulling out his cell phone and snapping a picture of the damage. “And I’d have toagree. Our fabulous Bitch Goddess Cecily is certifiable in the best possible way.”
I wasn’t sure how the conversation had taken such an alarming turn, but it had. I should’ve been insulted, or at the very least, hurt. I wasn’t. My slightly unstable people were correct. I was unconventional, weird, crazy and somewhat insane. I was going to own it with pride. I hadn’t asked to be the Goddess of the Darkness. Heck, I still wasn’t sure I wanted to be the Goddess of the Darkness, but those were the breaks. Bitch Goddess Cecily was my name—a forty-year-old former child star who was trying to make a comeback in Hollywood while leading the Demons in the Darkness. It didn’t get more unconventional, weird, insane and batshit crazy than that.
“You know,” Moon said, casually meandering back over to the white pleather chair. “All this violence is making me horny.”
