Page 24 of Generally Hospitable
Candy was appalled. Cher was serious, and she was seriously bad at makeup. She didn’t carry a mirror in her bottomless bag and often used eyeliner on her lips and vice versa. As she spoke, her lips were lined in navy and her eyes were lined in orange and bright red, a prime example. It made her look diseased.
“You wouldn’t,” Candy said, refuting Cher’s threat. “If you try any of that shit, I’ll sneak into your house and replace all them wine coolers with alcohol free ones… for the next fifty years.”
Cher threw her hands up in surrender and laughed. “You win, you old bat.”
Candy Vargo just grunted and flipped her buddy an affectionate middle finger.
However, I agreed with Cher. If Candy had something to say, I needed her to say it.
“Candy Vargo,” I said, giving her the eyeball.
“Badass,” she replied, giving it right back.
“You have anything to add to this conversation?”
She shrugged, picked her ear with the toothpick that had formerly been in her mouth then stood up. “Actually, I do.”
We waited. And waited. Then waited a little more.
A few times, I’d been ready to pounce on her for being so freaking frustrating, but Lilith’s hand on my arm and slight headshake had stopped me.
Pushing the Keeper of Fate was tricky business. Even so, a full five minutes of silence from the woman who’d just told usshe had something to add had gone by, and I decided to risk losing a limb. If Candy had the missing piece or pieces, I needed them. And I needed them now.
“Umm…” I said, ignoring my mom’s silent warning this time and giving Candy a pointed look.
“Yeah, yeah,” she said, pulling out a fresh pack of toothpicks and putting six into her mouth. “Just tryin’ to figure out how to word this shit.”
I squinted at her. “Being diplomatic has never been a high priority for you,” I pointed out. “What gives?”
She shrugged. “Possibly the end of the fuckin’ world.”
That wasn’t good news. Were there other issues happening that we didn’t know about? It certainly seemed that way.
“Spit it out,” I said flatly. “I’m about to lose my shit.”
“Yeppers,” she said. “I’m feelin’ that.” She took a deep breath and started. “Hypothetical situation.”
“Seriously?” I questioned. Cryptic was going to set me off like a powder keg right now.
“Shut your cakehole and listen,” Candy snapped. “I’m only gonna say this shit once, then probably deny I said anything.”
I nodded and sat on my hands so I didn’t accidentally-on purpose electrocute the woman. That would not end well… for me.
“Sooooooooo,” she began again. “Hypothetically speaking, there might or might not be a triad of Immortals who are destined to take the place of a crotchety, out of touch, over-the-hill skank ass who might be… again hypothetically speaking, still in charge.”
“Holy fuck,” Abaddon muttered.
Candy Vargo glanced over at him. “Yep, and then some.” She regathered her thoughts and kept going. “Okaaaaay, fuckers, hear me out. Let’s surmise that the over-the-hill shit-bucket may or may not be aware that the triad is waiting in the wings,and that Its days might… or might not be numbered.” She glanced around the room to gauge our reactions. The slack-jawed, horrified shock was what she’d expected. She nodded curtly and continued. “Being that the turd knocker has been around… hypothetically speaking, of course, since the beginning of time, one would have to take a fuckin’ educated guess that the fucker in charge might know exactly what’s going on. I’d say that the old shitball is consumed with it and doing anything It can to stop it.”
And the story kept getting scarier. If this were a movie, this is the part I would have closed my eyes or left the room. It wasn’t a movie. It was real, and it was getting worse by the second.
Candy had more. “I’m goin’ out on a fuckin’ limb here and sayin’ since the out-of-touch douchebag is so consumed with survival It wouldn’t necessarily know that one of the Goddesses of the Darkness may or may not be pregnant with a female child.”
“That part’s not hypothetical,” Cher chimed in. “Cecily’s knocked up. Got a bun in the oven!”
Candy Vargo rolled her eyes. “Yes, dumbass. I know that. I’m just framing the fuckin’ story so I’m not liable. Got it?”
“I’ve got it,” I said quickly. “Keep talking.” Candy definitely had the missing pieces.
