Page 29 of Generally Hospitable
“My people in the foyer,”I commanded.“Herd the flaming assholes together the best you can in the center of the room, then back away quickly. GO. NOW!”
My loyal army worked with balletic precision. When the evil ones were in the center of the foyer, Moon spat in the air and created a circle of fire around them. It wouldn’t keep them down for long, but all I needed was a small opening. My people had given me that.
Pulling strength from every part of my body, I centered myself and focused on the abominations in the middle of the fire. I was about to go experimental. I’d done it before and it had worked. I was counting on it working again. Raising my arms over my head, I screamed. The sound reverberated through my body like a bomb, shook the floor beneath me. My body went up in flames and I smiled. The enchanted fire that covered me felt like a comfortable, well-worn sweatshirt. It was every kind of wonderfully right. Slashing my arms to my sides, the remaining Demons in Chub Chub Wang’s pared-down army exploded like blood-filled ticks. The green goo and partial charred body parts scattered all over the foyer made my stomach roil, but if you played stupid games, you won stupid prizes.
The silence after the battle was only broken by Moon getting jiggy with what was left of the ornate couch that had been in the foyer. Everyone turned away in horror. Moon didn’t care. It had become increasingly clear that battles made the Demon horny. Whatever. She could hump that couch until the cows came home. I had more work in front of me.
Abaddon and Tiny were by my side immediately. Abaddon checked me over with concern. I had a feeling the next nine months, if this pregnancy took that long, were going to consist of my Demon being worried about me 24/7. We’d have a chat about it later.
“We need to find Pandora,” I said as a new urgency consumed me. I wasn’t sure if it was because of my connection with the Goddess, and she was doing poorly, or if I was just worried about my friend. No use in trying to figure it out. It was what it was. And it was time to find her.
“Can you feel her?” Abaddon asked.
I shook my head. “No, but here’s what we’ll do. I’m bringing Irma’s Demons into the castle. They’ll divide up and clear the rooms. We’ll do the same. With that many of our people searching, it will go faster.”
“Outstanding,” Abaddon agreed.
I quickly sent out a message to Irma. She was inside two seconds later. We had almost a thousand people looking for her. The hunt for Pandora had begun.
“Follow me,” I told Tiny and Abaddon. “We’ll hit the second floor.”
One hour later,and no one had found Pandora or Chub Chub Wang. It didn’t help that the castle was massive. Part of mewondered if she and the false god were still in the castle, but my gut told me she was here. I could feel her, but I couldn’t communicate with her. That worried me.
With every minute that passed, Tiny grew more agitated. The Demon was like a ticking time bomb. Good luck to Chub Chub Wang when Tiny got ahold of him.
“Talk,” Tiny insisted. “Please, someone talk about something… anything. My brain needs a break from fantasizing about breaking every single bone in Chub Chub Wang’s body, then peeling his skin off, shitting down this throat, then ripping his entrails out and stuffing them in with the shit before I rip his head off with my bare hands.”
“Wow,” I said, impressed that he had an entire plan. It was gross and disgusting, but Chub Chub deserved no less. “Here’s something crazy. My castle’s name is Earl, and I can talk to him.”
Abaddon stopped me in my tracks and put his hand on my forehead. I laughed and slapped it away.
“I am not delirious,” I told him. “I don’t have a fever, and while it’s debatable if I’m sane or not, I’m telling the truth.”
I was pretty sure neither of them believed me.
Rolling my eyes, I kept talking to prove them wrong. “Did either of you notice when the foyer went from smelling like rotten eggs and farts to sunshine and clean laundry?”
Tiny gaped at me. “I do.”
Abaddon was still doubtful, but seemed a little more open to the idea. “I do as well. That was…”
“Earl,” I supplied. “He started the conversation. I was sure I was crazy, but he was so sweet, I went with it. I really like the guy. He even congratulated me on the pregnancy.”
“Earl?” Abaddon pressed. “You named him Earl?”
I laughed. “Nope. I made him choose his own name. He chose Earl.”
“Can you see him?” Abaddon asked.
“No. I can only hear him.”
Tiny grabbed both me and Abaddon by the arms. His face was suffused with excitement and hope. “Ask him.”
“Ask who?” I said, worried for my friend.
“Ask Earl,” he insisted.
“Ask Earl what?” I actually considered sending Tiny back outside. This was entirely too much for him.
