Page 10 of Conflicting Lyrics
Every word is a blow to the gut. Her voice is filled with sorrow, cracking when she’s done speaking.
I’m shaking, pure panic and fear of losing her rushing through me. My mind is foggy, the alcohol still affecting me.
“Can we talk about this when we have a clearer head? Please?” I ask, needing her to stay.
“No,” she answers, my heart breaking. “Because I’ll still feel the same way. Nothing is going to change. If I walk away now, I’m gone. For good.”
She’s making it seem like it’s an easy choice. But it’s not. I want her. I want to say yes and pick her. But there’s this invisible force holding me back from voicing those thoughts.
I’m scared. So fucking scared. If I did what she asked, it would change everything. I just need time to think.
I’ve never given the thought any attention. Of building a life with her. Because I've convinced myself that she didn’t feel the same way about me.
Now that I know, I just need time to think with a head that’s not all muddied and slow working.
I’ve been so lost in my anxious thoughts, wondering how to say this in a way she would understand, that I didn’t realize she took my silence as an answer and was running down the hill.
“Ally, wait, please!” I yell, running after her.
My movements are clumsy, my eyes blurry from the tears. It’s so fucking dark out here I can hardly see.
Once I’m at the bottom of the hill, I trip over my feet and hit the ground hard, crying out in pain.
I lay there for a moment, groaning as I shake my head. With a heaving chest, I scramble to my feet, looking around for her, but she’s gone.
“What is wrong with you!?” I scream at myself, grabbing fistfuls of my hair with both hands. “You ruined everything! All you had to do was tell her how you feel!” I drop to my knees, face in my hands as I cry, deep, heavy sobs that take over my body.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been there, crying alone in the dark, my heart breaking into a million pieces.
Wiping at my nose, I sniff, scrub my face with my hands, and get to my feet.
The whole walk to my house, I feel numb. Tired. Broken. Done.
I need to call Ally, beg her to talk to me so I can tell her that I chose her. Because I do. I should have said it when she asked. I shouldn’t have hesitated.
Fumbling with my phone, I go to type Ally’s number in, but my mind goes blank. “No.” I find myself crying again. “Not now.”
The sound of a car has my eyes flicking up. Squinting, I raise my hand to block out the bright beam of the headlights.
It comes to a stop, and someone gets out. “Lucinda!” The shrill scream of my mother’s voice causes a wave of dread to crash into me. “What are you doing?” She grabs hold of my shoulders, shaking me as she glares down at me with pure fury.
The movement causes my phone to slip from my hand, crashing to the ground.
“My phone!” I try to grab it, but my mother yanks me up.
“Your phone is the last thing you need to worry about,” my father growls, snatching the phone off the ground.
“You're in so much trouble,” my mother hisses. “You were out with her, weren’t you? What have I told you about staying away from that whore? She's evil. That whole family is evil, trying to drag you down with them. I won’t let them, Lucinda. I won’t let them take my daughter,” she vows, crying like she’s the victim in all of this.
She’s crazy. She’s out of her mind.Does she really believe the bullshit she spews?
Blinking rapidly, I feel something inside me snap. I’m done. I’m just done. With my parents. With this miserable fucked up life. All of it.
I start to laugh. First, a giggle bubbles up, and then I’m in full-blown hysterics, laughing like a maniac.
My mother stares back at me in shocked horror before she leans in and sniffs, her eyes widening. “Are you drunk?”
“Oh yeah!” I gasp out before laughing again. “I’m shit-faced.”
