Page 17 of Conflicting Lyrics
I didn’t even realize how heavily I was breathing, the way my body is vibrating with anger.
“Breathe, Lulu, in and out.”
Snapping my eyes shut from where I watched the woman walk outside, I do as Lisa says and take deep breaths.
“That's it. Relax. Breathe. Don’t let them get to you. They’re wrong. They’re misguided and messed up. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
“I know I haven’t,” my voice cracks, tears stinging my eyes. “I know.”
She rubs up and down my arms in a soothing touch, allowing me to get a handle on my emotions before I’m finally able to leave and follow her out to the parking lot.
There are people yelling my name, cameras flashing in my face as the paparazzi shout questions at me, demanding answers.
I don’t say anything, ducking my head as the police escort us to the car.
The moment the car door closes, I shut my eyes and take more deep breaths. They’re the reason I haven’t left the center since I’ve gotten there, except for when I had to come here for the hearings. I hate the attention, I hate all eyes on me. I don’t want anyone to know who I am or what my life is like. Sadly, in this situation, I don’t really have any say in that. Being the daughter of monsters who abused her, monsters who followedan even bigger monster, being the victim of a cult, is something the media has been eating up like starving, wild animals.
A hand gives my knee a squeeze. I look over at Lisa, who’s giving me a sad smile. “Are you okay?”
Am I okay?No. No, I’m not. I’m not sure when I’ll ever be.
I just give her a weak smile and nod. She doesn't believe me, but thankfully, she doesn’t push, starting the car up and getting us away from this place.
Becoming an Omega changed me in all the best and worst ways.
My hormones are still all over the place, something the doctors say may take a while to even out. Between the changes to my body and the meds my parents pumped into my body, everything is a little all over the place.
They’ve offered suppressants, but I flat out refused. I will never put another pill inside my body that's not some sort of mild pain medication or some life-saving drug.
I don’t want to ever feel that lifeless, dull feeling again. The way I didn’t care if I lived or died, becoming a robot with no emotions or feelings.
I’m an Omega. And I’m not ashamed of it.
It’s something my therapist has been working with me on for a while now.
Still, there’s a lot of deep, unresolved trauma hiding inside the back of my mind, shit I’ve pushed down and buried because it was so horrible that my subconscious didn’t want me to remember it ever again.
But therapy has been bringing it all back up. I didn’t realize just how fucked up my childhood was until now.
Ally really did save me in more ways than she will ever know. The things I remember now about my life from just before she came into it make me want to cry, throw up, and claw at my skin with shame.
She was my escape, my way to forget. My light in the pitch darkness that was my life.
As we drive back to the center, I lean my head against the door, closing my eyes as tears spill down my cheeks.
I don’t cry for myself, for what happened to me in the past, or for what's become my life. I cry because there hasn’t been a day that my heart hasn’t hurt, hasn’t stopped yearning for her.
With my life imploding, I haven’t had the time to reach out to her. I could have easily found her number and called her. To tell her that I was sorry for even hesitating for a moment. That if I could go back, I would have said yes before she was even done speaking.
Because I loved her, she was it for me. My everything.
But I was too fucked up after everything came to the surface. I needed to deal with my own shit before trying to drag her into it.
Ally had wants and dreams, and I wasn’t going to be the roadblock that got in the way of that.
I knew I needed to get my life together, to get my head settled and put all my bullshit behind me before I even thought about reaching out.
Still, that didn’t stop me from searching her up on social media last week.
