Page 5 of Conflicting Lyrics
But I had to play along, act like their perfect daughter, letting them believe I thought the same way.
I don’t, and I hate everything about their beliefs.
This house has always felt more like a prison, one where if I make one wrong move, I’d be punished.
There’s only ever been one thing that's made me feel safe, that's felt like home. And that's her.
Over the past two years, my feelings for Ally have become more muddled. Confusion doesn’t even come close to describing them.
It wasn’t until I found Ally in the school bathroom making out with one of our female classmates that I realised I wasjealous. I was, but I was also hurt. I had no right to be. She was supposed to be my friend, it shouldn’t matter what she did with other people.
But I knew, at that moment, my feelings for her went way beyond just friendship. I was in love with her. And that scared the shit out of me.
My confusion grew as time went on, and I realized I wasn’t attracted to any other girl. Just her.
Boys have always caught my eye, but I knew better than to even try to date. I couldn’t, it wasn’t worth the risk of my parents finding out.
They don’t believe in dating until presenting. Because the mere thought of potentially being with someone who could end up being an Omega or Alpha makes them sick.
To them, I’m to become a Beta—like I have a say in that matter—and I’m meant to marry a nice male Beta from the church, living out our lives like my parents do.
The sick part is, they already have someone picked out for me. Bret Timber. A guy my age, who, of course, goes to our church and is one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever met.
There’s no way in hell I’d ever marry that guy. I’d rather be disowned.
Thankfully, it’s not some old-timey, messed-up marriage contract bullshit, and my parents did inform me that if I were to find another nice man from one of our churches and fell in love with him, they would allow it.
They are allowing me to leave for college, but once I graduate, they expect me to come back home, get married, settle down, and start my life.
It’s something I don’t let myself think about.
Any time I do, an overwhelming wave of dread consumes me, suffocating me to the point I feel trapped with no way out, that’s followed by an urge to claw at my skin.
I’m trapped and I don’t know how to escape. Moving with Ally, which is something my parents aren't even aware of, is a temporary fix to my lifelong sentence in this hell.
“Two more weeks,” I whisper as I click on the text from a number that I’ve memorized by heart. “Two more weeks and you can breathe.”
Allycat: How long until we can commence jailbreak?
Smiling, I shake my head and type back.
Me: Two hours? Both of them have to work early, so I don’t think it will be long before they’re in bed for the night.
I press send and chew on my bottom lip, glancing up at my bedroom door as I wait for her response.
I hate how this is how it has to be, like I’m doing something wrong. I’m not. Ally isn’t a bad person, her parents aren't horrible people.
But to my parents, they are.
When the phone buzzes in my hand, I jolt, eyes snapping back down to the screen.
Allycat: Ugh. Okay, fine. I’ll be outside at our meeting point waiting for you in exactly two hours. XOXO
My belly flutters at the end of her response. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, demanding that I push down these feelings.
It’s never going to happen. I need to get over this silly little crush, or it’s going to be torture when we leave for California.
Texting her back ‘okay’, I delete the messages, causing a wave of guilt to hit me like it always does when I do this.
