Page 25 of Surviving the Break
“That’s one of the most common misconceptions. Hydrogen peroxide can cause damage to the healthy tissue nearby. Cleaning it with cold water and a gentle soap, then adding some of this,”—he held up an antibacterial cream—“is enough to reduce swelling and the chance of infection.”
Ash retrieved a swab and gently applied the cream before sealing the cut with—to my relief—a butterfly stitch and then wrapping it in gauze. His feather-light touch and the soft rumble of his deep voice worked as a balm to my frayed nerves. I downed the ibuprofen he ordered me to take.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I noticed the saw in your hand. I figured approaching you would do more damage than turning off the music. Apparently not.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You startled me, but the blunt teeth of the handsaw are to blame.”And my runaway thoughts of you.We stepped out of the bathroom and into the office area of the trailer.
With my white t-shirt now covered in blood on the bathroom floor, I snagged my dark denim jacket off the hook behind the door and slid it on.
“These your parents?” Ash asked, holding one of two picture frames that occupied my desk. His head rose, and I dipped mine to follow his motionless stare to the expanse of hard flesh exposed between the opening of my jacket.
“Yeah,” I said, snapping him out of his gawking.
“You’re built like your dad. Solid. Strong. But your youthful appearance comes from your mom. You even have her freckles spattered across the bridge of your nose.”
“Not many people notice my freckles.”
“I noticed.” His eyes roved to the narrow opening of my jacket again, and I’d deny that I shifted obscurely so that the flaps opened wider. He winced, returning the photo to its place, not meeting my eyes. “Sorry. Again.”
“What are you doing here, Ash?” I closed my eyes briefly; I hadn’t meant for that to sound brash. Appeared we were both reverting to our usual mode of interacting with one another.
“I came to apologize for my past behavior. For treating you like my personal Rubik’s cube and, in some cases, a piece of meat. It’s inexcusable.” He sat on the edge of my desk and stretched out his suit-clad legs, crossing one ankle over the other and intersecting his arms as well. “I’d like to start over.”
“Am I supposed to believe things will be different now?” And why did being faced with the possibility of things being different cause my mouth to dry?
“Max, your friend and my best friend are a couple. There’s no avoiding each other. I’m not going to lie and say I’m no longer interested in you, but I would much rather us get along and enjoy each other's company than to have this constant tension between us. I’m proposing we get to know each other as friends, first, and see where things go from there. If they go anywhere.”
“Ash, you see me as a challenge—”
“And you see me as a weakness,” he shot back, then shook his head as if to rid it of anything else that might make matters worse.
Feeling the long day press against my bones, I acknowledged to myself that I wasn’t in fighting form. His words—my truth—shook the foundation of my fortress. I was too tired to contest him.Or too lonely…I swayed on my feet from that uninvited thought.
“I apologize. Old habits die hard.”
“I get the feeling you’ll be apologizing a lot.” My tone was droll. Ash gave a sheepish smile. “I can’t give you what you want, Ash. Hell, I don’t even know what you want.” Not the extent of it, anyway. I rested against the trailer door, giving him an expectant look.
“Well, let me make myself clear.” He brought himself to his full height. “None of my relationships have ever gone past terms of sex only,” he said delicately. “With you, I want more than what I’ve had or given before.”
“Ash—”
“If friendship is all you can offer, I’ll take it.” Without taking his eyes off mine, he added, “Under one condition. If you ever feel we could be more, you’ll try. Even if that feeling arrives as early as tomorrow. Too much time has already passed.”
I paced the small area surrounding me. It would be all too easy to want more. I shook from the fear of it. My feet stilled. “What do you see in me?” My tone was mystified. “You’ve said it yourself—I give you nothing but hell.”
He seemed offended on my behalf. I’d never seen him so serious. “I see an innate goodness in you. Even after what happened between us, you made a secret donation to my clinic,” he whispered, and I turned away to hide my surprise at him knowing that. “And that, right there,” he said in regard to my shock, “your naked vulnerability that you’re so bad at hiding from me. It makes me want to tear anyone or thing apart that has hurt you. Or tried to.”
This is what he’s good at.Making me want something I’d sworn off. “Ash, I’m incapable—”
“You’re scared.”
“Either way, it can’t happen.” My hand throbbed when I swiped it through the air.
He buttoned his blazer. “In that case, I ask for your friendship.”
“Fine. But I make no promises.” I didn’t believe for one second that Ash would give up pursuing me.What if I don’t want him to?What other option did I have? Constantly avoiding him was a struggle I longed to not have. Tired of working hard to appear both indifferent and inconvenienced around him. Pulling off the combination wasn’t easy. Plus, our friends were friends; we volunteered at the same place.My dog loves him.This new arrangement could buy me a small period of respite. Or it would give me an opening to give in to him. Would giving in just a little be so bad? I didn’t need to give him all of me. Would Ash accept a fraction of me?
Ash ran his lower lip between his teeth. He believed he’d won something. “Now, how about that date you owe me?”
