Page 26 of Surviving the Break
I laughed because the only alternative was to scream. My conscience kept me up at night knowing he’d spent five grand on a date that never happened. Which played a small role in me anonymously donating triple the amount to his clinic. The larger reason was wanting to help in any way with securing the housing he needed for the women there. “Afriendshipdate?” I’d backed him into a corner.
“Of course,” he said, grounding his molars together. “I’ll be in touch.”
I watched him leave the trailer before walking behind my desk and picking up the picture of me and Granddad. “I hope I don’t regret this,” I whispered to him. All the while knowing a small seed had been planted in the part of me that had been deficient for so long. I slowly lowered into my chair as the threat of me being whole nearly took me to my knees.
10
ASH
Inever grew tired of observing Max unnoticed. Could be anything really. The way he lovingly ran a hand down Pluto’s side as he fastened his leash to his collar, as if he wanted him to know he didn’t take pleasure in clipping his wings. Or the way he, with understanding, ignored Damon whenever he decided to lean on his less endearing traits but then never held it against him when Damon suddenly decided to be pleasant. Max simply breathing was a sight to behold.
“Why don’t you just go back over there?” Damon grumbled from behind me.
I watched through the living room sliding glass doors, playing voyeur to Max sitting in front of the blazing fire pit in his backyard, throwing a ball and a rambunctious Pluto playing retrieve and return. We’d not too long ago returned from that warm and inviting space where I attended my first gathering ofTheMisfits.
Damon laid sprawled like a cat on his sofa in sweats and a t-shirt, pouting like a child who’d been forced to share. “Jealous?” I quipped. That did the trick; Damon was working on recognizing his less-than-stellar patterns.
“We’re supposed to be watching the game, but you’re gawking at him.”
“Working” might have been too strong a word. I went back to what I was doing. The Misfits consisted of little more than a handful of volunteers from The Center. They got together a couple Fridays a month, taking turns hosting what you could call a bonfire. They sat around the fire pit enjoying beers and each other's company, while taking turns vocally releasing their stress, or simply “shooting the breeze.” I enjoyed myself immensely, until the crowd dispersed and it was no longer acceptable for me to sit there posing as a man whose only interest was in getting to know everyone better.
“You overthink things. You’refriendsnow. Justin often hangs around with Max long after. Sam too. It wouldn’t be strange,” Damon said magnanimously, coming to stand next to me. I couldn’t help but smirk at his one-eighty from a second ago.
It’d been a couple weeks since Max and I had agreed to take our friendship for a test run, and although with work and our other commitments, we’d only seen each other a few times, those moments were pleasant, as opposed to riddled with anxiety. Nothing had changed on my end, and feigning otherwise was beginning to weigh on me. I’d never been one for pretenses. I aimed to corrupt Max, not bepleasantwith him. “What about the game?” I asked, the taste of guilt on my tongue.
“It’s fine. I’ll watch it with him,” Justin said, entering the room. He stepped up to Damon, wrapping his arms around him and tiptoeing to peck him on the lips. Damon wrapped Justin’s long hair around his fist to hold him in place before obscenely plunging his tongue into his mouth. My cue to leave.
I’d come over straight from work, so I still wore my suit. I slipped into my jacket and trekked back over. Max snickered as Pluto spun in place. It died out once I crossed the low shrubs, stepping foot into their space. “Is it all right if I crash the afterparty?” I claimed the empty seat closest to the fire pit, holding my palms up to melt away the fall evening chill. Max, across from me, appeared pleased by my presence. The flames did wonders for his open, expressive eyes. He dug into the cooler, then passed me a beer.
“Not at all. You’re more than welcome,” he said. “We usually stick around after everyone leaves. Justin or Sam will sometimes keep us company.”
Pluto came loping over to me, resting a paw on my knee. “It’s hard leaving the comforts of the fire,” I said, then wondered if it came out as double-edged as it sounded to my ears.
He pointed the butt of his beer bottle at Pluto. “He likes you.”
“Are you kidding? Helovesme.” Pluto yawned and made himself comfortable on the soft patch of grass near me, his body pressed against my lower leg. I looked up in time to catch the tail end of Max rolling his eyes. “So, the rumors are true. Youdoget jealous when Pluto loves someone more.”
He pointed a finger at me. “First of all, he doesn't love you more, and who told you that?”
“I’ll never tell.” I held my palms up laughing, and he took a swig, hiding a smirk. “Pluto’s lucky to have you.”
His gaze turned thoughtful. “I’d say it’s the other way around.”
As desperate as I was to learn about the deepest parts of Max, there was a lightness to the mood that I didn’t want to turn morose, so I redirected the conversation. “My mother never allowed pets into the house. Not until Damon came along,” I joked, and he snorted in amusement. God he was beautiful. His happiness transformed him from a rabid guardian of his secrets to a feather freshly plucked and floating on air. Something you couldn’t peel your eyes away from until it landed safely. “Before moving to Chadwick, my mother and I lived in a small, one-bedroom apartment a few towns over, on the tenth floor of a housing complex.” I could still envision the peeling, sallow paint on the walls and the fun I had obtained from ripping strips of it off. “Anyway, there was a strict ‘no pets’ policy, plus we couldn’t afford to keep another mouth fed. Her aversion followed us long after the move.”
He cocked his head. “I’ve never seen your eyes lighten that much before. Is that what talking about your mother does?”
I reached for my eyes without thinking. “I suppose.” No one had ever made that observation before. I tried not to read too much into him noticing.
“Tell me more, if you don’t mind. I’m curious to see if they go full-blown transparent.” The fire crackled, and Max slouched in his seat, muscular legs spread, preparing to be all ears.
“Oftentimes, we went without heat. Mom would boil water on the stove for the steam or run the oven to keep us warm. Didn’t bother me; her love generated enough heat to rival the sun. She slept in the living room. Sacrificing her comfort for my own. My bedroom wasn’t much to look at. You could almost stand on the threshold and reach out and touch all four walls. Hmph, Mom called it a matchbox, but it was mine, and I loved every centimeter of it.” Even the brown water stain on the ceiling over my dresser. Max sat absorbed in my sharing, his beer bottle hanging precariously from his fingertips. I’d do anything to hold his attention. “The bathroom was across the hall from my room, and since I slept with my door open—to make sure Mom was okay, of course—I’d gotten used to the tempo of the leaky faucet lulling me to sleep.” Through the low speckle of flames emitted by the pit, Max’s eyes glowed and softened to a rich, brown confection.
“My mother didn’t care only about me; she worried for all the kids that lived in our neighborhood. She’d babysit if it meant that a young mother could make it to a job interview. We rolled out sleeping bags more times than I could count when our neighbor had to work nights and intended to leave her kids at home alone.” Movement to my right interrupted the moment. Pluto shifting sleeping positions. My stomach happy-danced when Max frowned in his direction.
“Did it ever upset you? Knowing you weren’t the only one she loved?” His question felt deliberate, maybe even pointed inward, and I stored it to memory to think back on later.
“A couple weeks before summer break, I became ill. The doctors couldn’t diagnose me. All the tests came back fine. Very fatigued, not wanting to get out of bed, my limbs weighed a ton. Fear etched lines around my mother's eyes. She took time off work that we couldn’t afford. Slept curled up to me in my twin bed, wouldn’t let anyone come over for fear of them catching whatever I had. After a few days, I felt much better.” It took everything in me to split my attention amongst the many inconsequential things in our immediate environment. But Max and I were friends now, and there was only but so many seconds that I could peer at him directly with friend-eyes, so I allowed my vision to pace.
