Page 38 of Surviving the Break
He gripped my chin, searching my eyes. “What about that just scared you, Max?”
Prepared to say, “nothing,” I remembered what I valued most in people. Ash always gifted me with his honesty. I needed to do the same. “Who would I be introduced as?”
“What would you like me to call you?”
I rolled onto my back, letting out a long breath. “I don’t know, Ash.”
“I’m not putting any pressure on you, Max. The choice is yours to make.” He moved on when the silence stretched. “My mother has worked in the childcare system since she was a teen. She converted Damon’s old house into a daycare for young mothers. We refer some of our girls to her.”
My thoughts drifted to my own mother. Barely able to recall the last time we spoke. I pushed those feelings down to deal with another day. I shifted to my side, resting my head on my palm, and he did the same. “I’m starting to understand you more, Ash.”
“I’m an open book, Max. You don’t need to dig deep for my truths.” He rubbed at my flank, then tugged me closer.
“It’s been months since we met. Why haven’t you given up?” It came out as an accusation. I supposed a big part of me still wished he would’ve given up to spare us both the train wreck my mind told me would come from this.
“How could I?” he asked like I should know the answer to that impossible question. “During one of our first conversations, I asked what made The Center important to you. Do you remember what you said?”
I racked my brain, trying to recall our early discussions. “No.”
He kissed my eyelids. “You said, ‘A community should be judged by how well our children are doing. If they are not okay, then no one will be okay. You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in that moment. Your goodness is birthed from your core, and it radiates outward. I had to have you. Ihaveto.”
His words knocked the wind out of me, and he refused to let me look away. There was no outmaneuvering him. Ash wasn’t the type of man to give an inch. To be with him meant being held accountable. Not a conscious thing on his part; he just didn’t deal in untruths. His whole everything screamed raw and bare. Down to his skeleton. “Your matter-of-fact way of being scares me, Ash.”
“Why?”
“Because it makes it harder for me to hide,” I confessed. He left me out in the open, exposed and unprotected from myself.
“I already see you, Max. Hiding bears you no fruit.” His fingers curled in my hair, grazing my scalp.
“What if I hurt you?” It would destroy whatever remained good in me to do so.
He looked thoughtful, then answered me carefully. “Giving my full self is what makes me feel alive. And part of that is living grounded in my truth.” He took a deep breath. “I know all of this scares you, Max, but if being with you ends up costing me my heart, well then, bury me an honest man.”
“Home.” I licked my parched lips, and his brows dipped. “That’s what went through my mind the first time Ireallysaw you, Ash.”And the walls keep tumbling down.
IWOKEup first the following morning and stole a moment to run my gaze over Ash. It had taken some convincing to get him to spend the night. “I’ve never slept in the same bed with anyone since Benji died and the nightmares began. I’m afraid you might end up flying into that wall or skewered on my cock,” he’d said. The latter didn’t sound like a bad way to die, but I rode him hard enough to put him into ten comas. He didn’t stir all night.
“Mmmm, why are you watching me?” He wrapped an arm around me and nuzzled into my neck.
“Your eyes weren’t even open. How’d you know you were being watched?” I massaged one of his firm globes.
“I could feel your eyes on me. I’m not complaining.” Sleep did sinful things to his voice.
“Are you sore?” I asked. He threw a leg over me, giving me easy access to run a light touch around his rim.
“Very. Feels good. Reminds me that I’m not imagining this.” He kissed me.
“How does a thirty-year-old end up with a full head of gray hair? Work stress?”
“It’s genetic. My mother was completely gray by thirty-five. Her father, by twenty-two.”
The contrast of his skin—the color of the ocean at night—and his pale gray eyes and hair was striking.
“You keep eye-fucking me, and I won’t be the only one sore.” He smacked my ass, squeezing the cheek between his palm. “I can eat this all day without coming up for air.”
I batted his hand away and got off the bed. “After last night, I believe you. Unfortunately, we slept in too late, and we need to get to work.”
“Can I get the tour first?”
