Page 69 of Surviving the Break
“Okay, I can give you that, but it’s my turn to tell you not to run, Ash.”
I hung my head to shield my eyes, then slipped out the door.
28
MAX
Hungover and with no intentions to move for the rest of my life, I found it a tad upsetting that Pluto became intent on crashing my party plans. “Get away, Pluto,” I slurred, shoving him and his wet tongue from on top of me. It was the middle of the night, for heaven’s sake.
I squinted, shielding my eyes when the curtains were drawn back to reveal the elusive Oregon sun. I rolled onto my stomach and covered my head with a pillow. How did a dog know how to open curtains, anyway?
The blanket was pulled from my body, and my skin broke out in gooseflesh. “Pluto!”
Fine, a little cold never hurt anyone, but just as the grubby fingers of sleep began tugging me back in, my sock was tugged off. And then the other. I flailed like a fish out of water or a petulant child. “Pluto…” I groaned. The bed dipped, and I brought my pounding head from under the pillow and looked over my shoulder. “Don’t you dare—”
He gripped the top of my pajama bottoms between his teeth and pulled, not letting go until I lay there in only my boxer briefs, shivering from the morning chill. I sat up too fast, grabbing my head and flopping back to the pillow. Pluto shoved at my shoulder with his nose, releasing a heartbreaking whine. “Okay. Okay.” I rubbed his neck.
I threw both legs over the bed, gripping the edge of the mattress with both hands. Pluto barked from the spot on the floor in front of me and ran to the bathroom door and then back, barking again. “Fine.” I pushed up and stumbled to the bathroom, making it inside the door before my legs gave out.When was the last time I moved?I glimpsed the empty vodka bottle peeking out from under the bed.
Pluto ran past me, then returned, sitting on his hind legs and barking. When I made no move to get up, he inched closer and licked me from nose to forehead. “I can wash my own face.” I pushed him away.
If the seven stages of grief were a guide to go by, I was now at the tail end of stage three—anger and bargaining. Shock and denial were skipped altogether; life wouldn’t allow me the luxury of having my pain suspended for any amount of time. After Ash left me on that bathroom floor, I dove headfirst into pain and guilt.
Out of sheer madness or desperation, Hayden had hauled me in with a hand to my nape and kissed me at the hotel bar. I initially froze but then surrendered to the intense feeling ofnothingthat came over me. I feltnothingfor him.The final severing.
After I’d shoved him away, Hayden’s eyes warmed. A combination of being drunk and delusional prevented him from seeing what I’d already understood. Hayden was my yesterday and Ash my today and tomorrow. Nothing tied me to Hayden any longer. Not our shared past, not the child that was never mine, and notlove. I’d smiled from the euphoria of it.
Ash had asked me not too long ago,“Is your old life going to cost you your new one?”Is that what had happened? Ash asked for space, but when I got back to the cottage he’d already left for the airport, and I hadn’t seen him since returning to Chadwick.
“Fuck!” I shouted, which agitated Pluto and my migraine further. He ambled closer to my side. “Just leave me here, Pluto.” He didn’t budge.
Ash’s penthouse was the first place I’d stopped at. He’d changed the elevator code, thwarting my plans to barge in demanding he speak to me. I’d paced while calling him. He wouldn’t answer. I called Justin, begging him to get Damon involved, to tell Ash to let me up. Damon refused. When my voice grew louder within the lobby, the doorman asked me to leave, informing me if I didn’t, the cops would be on their way.
My second stop, the hospital. I’d made a scene when no one would tell me if Ash was on shift. Security ended up dragging me out.
I went to the clinic on Main Street. I scared everyone on duty. Walking through and checking behind every curtain and corner before heading for the exit. I spied the nurse making a call. “Is that him?” I yelled. “Are you calling Ash?” She spoke quickly into the receiver as I charged in her direction, removing the phone from her hand. “Hello?”
“Max,” he whispered, and I sagged with relief.
“Ash, what’s going on? You need to talk to me. I’m going crazy here,” I said into the phone.
“I’m just working through some stuff. I’ll be in touch. I promise.”
I had to squeeze the phone to my ear to hear him. He sounded frail, and I thought I would panic right there for my inability to access him. “Why does it feel like you’re pulling away?” I turned my back on the nurse and lowered my voice. “Is this my fault?Isit the kiss?”
“No. This is all on me, Max.” He breathed through the line. “I don’t want to hurt you...”
I knew a silent “but” when I heard one. I wouldn’t be going there, though. My sanity
couldn’t handle it. “Then you won’t. Because you don’t do things that you don’t want to, Ash.” Since knowing me, Ash had spent more time waiting for me than having me. He never gave up and neither would I. I wasn’t sure of what was going on, but it was my turn to wait for him. “I’ll wait for you.” The line disconnected. “Damn it!” I whirled around, and the nurse backed up, her hands going to her chest. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
That was almost a week ago. I hurt so bad. The pain I endured after Hayden and I split was a mere silhouette compared to this dark and looming shadow. I’d thought about visiting Paula. To maybe get some advice and to desperately be in the presence of someone that reminded me of Ash. I’d take anything at this point. Her smile that matched his. The warmth of spirit that they shared. I didn’t know if I had the right to, and I’d be unable to meet her eyes right now. Her opinion meant too much to me, and I had hurtherworth it.“Can you have more than one worth it?” I’d asked her that day in her kitchen.
“Sure. You can have as many as you want, but I only ever needed one. Everything I endured was for Ash,” she’d said. Even if this separation between Ash and I wasn’t because of the kiss with Hayden, we’d be together if it hadn’t happened. No, I couldn’t face his mother right now.
Every night before my eyes drifted shut, I suffered a different type of guilt. The kind that came from using the recollection of him to ease my loneliness. To reduce him to a memory to be used for my gratification. Imagining the feel of his tongue as it flattened and fluttered against my hole. The hungry look in his eyes as he watched every reaction his wicked tongue pulled while he devoured me. It was important for him not to miss a moment of my undoing. If it became too much, he went at me harder. Any attempts I made at backing away only earned me more. Breathing and thinking became difficult when he gave me more.
My hand would move faster over my erection when I’d think back on how he’d look after lowering my ass to the bed, slipping his palms out from underneath me, then rising to his knees. He’d inhale noisily, trying to suck in my scent that stained his chin and lips. His whole lower face would glisten, and he made no attempts to wipe away the proof of where he’d been.
