Page 74 of Surviving the Break
My smile won when Ash’s cherry-red Tesla pulled onto the side of the road near the apartment building. I’d describe it as seeing my first ray of sun after being in the dark for so long. I’d gotten a haircut and wore my best jeans, my favorite white Henley, and the denim jacket he loved. Not much I could do about the work boots.
When he stepped out of the car, watching me with eyes the color of a cloudy day, well, that felt better than putting the finishing touches on a complicated build-out. I shoved my hands in my front pockets, not trusting that I could keep them to myself.
Seeing him dressed down was a rare sight. He wore a pale gray cashmere cardigan and heather-gray jeans that blended well with his eyes and hair. His brownie-colored skin played an enticing backdrop. I narrowed my eyes as he approached; he had to know what that combination would do to me. I shook off that immodest thought; I couldn’t afford to assume anything.
The closer he came, the more my pretense of having it together weakened. He had a way of making me feel seen even when it was the last thing I wanted. When he looked at me, he saw all my ugly and chose to care about me anyway.
He stopped several feet from me, and I scrutinized him. Signs of exhaustion marred his face. The soft skin under his eyes was impossibly darker than the rest of him. He fixed his sight over my shoulder. “I can’t believe you got this all accomplished in such a short amount of time.”
All business then. “Yeah. I had all hands on deck. Trish’s due date is approaching, so—”
“Speaking of, I asked her to come by. Figured seeing this would relieve her stress.”
“Good idea. She can pick which unit she wants.” The apartments received top priority, and aside from minor things like appliances and furnishings, those were complete. The market and daycare that would reside on the ground level of the building still needed some heavy-duty work, and the surrounding land needed to be paved for the playground and parking lot.
I pivoted toward the entrance of the building but froze, it sickened me to have him this close and to pretend like nothing was going on. I turned back to him. “I miss you, Ash.”
He shuddered from my declaration and gave a bit of his own honesty. “I miss you too.” He brushed a finger down the curve of my jaw. I leaned into it, so starved for his touch.
“I’m lost, Ash.” I raised my hands at my sides, then dropped them limply. “I’m nothing out here, if I’m not everything inhere.” I placed my hand over his heart. It beat erratically under my palm.
He let a few minutes pass before opening up. “When you kissed Hayden...” He grimaced. “God that hurt, Max. Yeah, it ended up being bigger in my head than the reality of it. That didn’t erase the pain I’d felt. I thought I’d lost you.” He brought a fist to his mouth. “Imagine experiencing your worst nightmare”—he gave me an apologetic look, likely thinking of Jeremiah. My worst fear was losing Ash— “and sinking into the pit of excruciating despair. Unable to breathe or move. Slowly dying from the horror of it. Only to have someone tell you it wasn’t true. I was elated, but it didn’t make me forget what almost dying felt like.”
I wanted to say that this didn’t have to be so big. To remind him that too much time had already been wasted. That wasn’t the answer to this. Our roles had reversed. While I, now, had never been more sure of myself, Ash was in crisis.
“I didn’t recognize myself in that hotel. I still don’t. I’ve become—” He turned away, as if he’d let something slip unintentionally. I ran through what he’d just said, trying to pick up on what his words meant.
I stepped around him, forcing his attention. “What have you become?”
He swallowed thickly, and I believed he wouldn’t answer, but he said, “Someone capable of being shattered.” His voice shook, and his eyes paled from the raw honesty.
“You don’t want to end up broken,” I whispered.
He shook his head carefully. “Not inthatway. What if you change your mind about us? You’d been unsure for so long.”
I’d taken Ash’s steely confidence for granted. I was aware that the potential for me breaking his heart was pretty high, but I never considered what my actions were doing to his sense of self. To his patience? Yes. To his already possessive and dominant nature? Yes. Never once had I stopped to think what my inability to move on might be doing to his esteem. His foundation in who he was always seemed solid. Impenetrable. But love gave him a reality check.
“Look at me Ash.” I stepped in close, pressing my lips to his, intending to pull back, but he didn’t move. My tongue tentatively swiped at the seam of his mouth, asking for entry. He opened and a firestorm could’ve been raining down on us. Nothing or no one could break apart what we shared in that moment. All our nights apart. The uncertainty. I told him with that kiss what my words wouldn’t have been adequate enough to convey. I’d never leave him. We broke apart, panting and hot as an inferno. “Ash, don’t you know that I...”
“Love me?” He shrugged, taking a step back. “I can’t say that I do.”
We stood staring at each other. The missing piece clicked into place. I’d never told Ash that I loved him. And the way his nostrils flared when I went to speak told me that saying it now would cause more harm than good. I’d missed my opportunity.I should’ve told him a thousand times.
“Ash—” A car pulling up interrupted us. One of the nursing assistants, Noell, got out of the driver’s side, and a very pregnant Trish exited the passenger seat.
“Oh my god, Dr. J!” she squealed, holding her rounded belly with one hand and pushing her long, dark hair away from her delicate face with the other. “You did it! You really did it.” Her hazel eyes brimmed with unshed tears. She belatedly took in the charged air around us. “Is everything cool?” She looked between the both of us.
“Yeah,” Ash said. “Sorry to do this, but I need to get to the hospital. Are you okay to have Max show you around? You can pick which apartment you want.”
His last comment raised the corners of her mouth once again. “Hit the road, Dr. J. We got this,” she said. Ash said a few words to Noell and then left. “Ugh, adults are so weird,” Trish said.
ILEFT THE APARTMENT COMPLEX,which Trish dubbedDr. J’s House,with a new sense of purpose and a plan. I’d need all the help I could get, so after convincing Trish and Noell to assist with phase two, I reached out to Justin and Damon to help with phase one. I’d show Ash just how much I loved him. How ready I was to move on with our lives together. It was my turn to fight for him. For us. My turn to make a grand gesture.
I put on Bruce Springsteen’s greatest hits, then stormed through the house getting it back in order while Pluto mostly got in my way. I dug under the bed for the roll-away vodka bottles and dumped my gathered trail of dirty laundry into the hamper, only to have Pluto knock it over, spilling the contents out. Next, I changed the tearstained sheets. They’d been on the bed since Ash was there last. His citrusy scent that I’d once confused for cologne still permeated from his side of the bed. I’d refused to remove them.
No longer spending my days and nights in a cavernous pit, I pulled the curtains back—literally and figuratively—on my life. The sunlight poured in from every room, and I cracked the windows so the air could purify the pungent smell of lost hope that had festered into even the walls. While moving some things into the garage, I knocked over the storage bin that contained the small wooden chest that held my once future family portrait.
I stared at the small wooden box, now broken in two. So apt to how things played out. I scooped up the pieces and the aged paper it contained, took a deep breath, and then threw them in the trash bin.Time to envision a new future.
