Page 78 of Surviving the Break
We ran some errands and spent time at the doggy park playing fetch before heading in for the night. We ate and snuggled up on the couch. I slept well that night. I had my very own dreamcatcher.
PLUTOand I drove to my mother’s house the following afternoon. After greeting her, Pluto ran straight through the doors leading to the lanai and pushed through the screen door to the backyard.
Damon sat at the table, all six-foot-five of him, with a napkin tucked into his shirt, a fork in one hand and a knife in the other. “Ah, Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked.
“I’m not leaving,” Damon said. “I haven’t eaten yet.”
“Of course you're not, baby,” Mom said, placing a steaming plate of pasta in front of him. She kissed his forehead, leaving her rouge-colored lipstick behind. “Don’t eat too fast. You know it upsets your tummy,” she scolded. Damon preened from the attention, and I rolled my eyes, following Mom onto the lanai.
We sat in silence, watching Pluto run back and forth. “Max and I hit a rough patch. We’ve been on a break.” I hated using that term, but what else could I call it?
“I know. He stopped by yesterday.”
“I want him back, Mom.” I enfolded her small hands between mine. “I miss him.”
She wore her long gray hair twisted in a French roll, and the mild wind coming in through the screen door blew the wisps of her stray strands around her neck. My mother had me when she was eighteen, still so young but wise beyond her years. We all looked to her for support and encouragement.
“Tell me what’s holding you back, Ash.”
I scratched at my temple. “I don’t even know anymore.” I dropped my hand. “I had a clear understanding of why we shouldn’t be together a week ago, but now… Now, I don’t even remember the greater details of that reason.” I stood, needing to give room to my frustration. Her hands fell to her lap. “I’ve always been a confident guy. Damn near unshakable. I wanted Max, and that meant I needed to be patient because something had him scared. That was okay. I had enough faith for the both of us.” I stopped my treading. “Somewhere along the way, the man I was before began to slip away from me. I became anxious, unsure of myself, jealous, andviolent.”
“Sometimes love brings out the worst in us, baby.”
“Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to lose yourself for love.”
“Says who?” She gave me one of heryou have no cluelooks. “How many times have you been in love, Ash?”
Aside from Max? “Never,” I whispered.
“Right.” She gestured for me to take a seat. “Your love for Max was built in a glass house. Bound to break. That’s okay because it’s during the rebuilding that your relationship becomes stronger. Love will twist you up and spit you out. As long as your foundation is fortified, your house will not fall.” She cupped my face. “Something happened after that kiss that cleared up any misunderstanding regarding Max wanting his old flame back, correct?”
“Yes,” I breathed.
“And you walked away from him anyway.”
“Yes,” I said, and she raised her eyes in question. “The ground fell from beneath me. The vision of my future vanished. As they kissed, my life drained from me until my cup was empty. I wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. I wanted to scream, and I wanted to maim something. What if something like that happens again?” I’d preached many times to Max about love and not giving up on it. I was a fraud. A child speaking of things he knew nothing of. “What if I lose him? What if I lose myself in the process? I’m no better than my father—”
“Stop right there. You’re nothing like him, and you know it.”
“I can’t get any more invested if there’s a chance I’ll lose his love down the line. Just the thought of what that would do to me…” I shook my head.
“You’re here for me to tell you not to be afraid. I can’t do that, baby.” She crushed my flare of hope. “You should be scared. And you should roll around in your apprehension, allow it to take its best shot. Then love that man and permit him to love you in spite of it.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Fear should serve as confirmation that you’re alive. If you feel nothing, you might as well be dead. You can’t change what’s already happened, so stop looking back, and there are no guarantees up ahead, so take your happiness right now. Right now is all we got, baby boy.” She turned serious. “Coming face to face with the threat of losing Max stoked the embers of fear in you, trying to ignite a blaze that no one could extinguish. We won’t allow that to happen. Will we? Not when joy is waiting for you.”
She was right. I claimed to have not recognized myself after learning about Hayden and even more so leading up to the ordeal with the kiss. In truth, it was my actions afterward driving me farther away from who I was, allowing a stranger to take up residence inside of me. I was a fighter. I took risks, and I lived by a code of honesty. I approached life as a student to its teacher. I learned from it, and I didn’t allow the past to control me. I kissed both her cheeks. “No, we won’t.” It was time I put my money where my mouth was. I was stronger than my fear.
WHENPLUTOand I got home, we went into the kitchen, and I placed food and water in his bowl before turning to take them to his usual spot, the empty dining area in the living room. Except it was no longer empty. Sliding the bowls onto the floor in the kitchen, I walked on numb legs to the table and chairs now occupying the space. A style combination of Victorian and modern, the Brazilian teakwood set contained four chairs along either side of its length and two throne chairs at either head for a total of ten chairs. After running my fingers along one of the smooth shellacked armrests, the tabletop snagged my attention and my breath.
Calligraphy letters were carved into the long slab of wood before being varnished. Upon further inspection, I noted in disbelief that the letters made up actual words.
My heart rate spiked as I circled, reading as I went, tracing my fingers over everything.
Thank you for listening more than you're listened to.
Thank you for always keeping your promises.
