Page 100 of Judas

Another click of a bottle, followed by the shuffle of his hands rubbing together just before feeling them tangle in the ends of my hair as he applies the conditioner.

“I didn’t know it was you until later, but I heard most of it. Things faded in and out for several hours, a few days actually, but Matias and the homies that were left over scraped me off the floor of the pit. You were already in the hospital by then, which was when Matias told me you were assaulted.”

Emotions choke his voice now. He heard it, he knows. Listened to me battered, fighting back, and still overpowered until Nathan and his goons raped me. My chest feels simultaneously heavy and hollow—hating that it happened to me and wishing I could wipe the memories away. And also aching to comfort Kace because of what he overheard. Lucien took him from me and allowed others to devastate what was left—only for him to hear it anyway.

Takes him a few pained swallows that I catch over the sound of the raining shower water. Sliding his hands through my hair again, combing out the detached strands with his fingers, he continues.

“After I got out of the hospital, you were already in jail and my name was smeared across different types of media, saying I was missing. Matias told me it would be better if I didn’t resurface and he helped get me into a safer place. A place where I could finish healing, then refabricate myself. New name, new identity, everything.”

He is back to rinsing now while I stay quiet, remembering he said to give Sadie time to speak, therefore I do the same with him.

“At first I wanted to do it legally, especially if I was ever going to get back with you. To open up and clear both of our names—expunge both of our records. So, I cut ties with Matias to give myself the time and space to do that. About a year after the riot, I dropped into witness protection long enough to go to court and request a judge to dismiss my charges and pardon me for the crimes that put me in Darkwater to begin with. He agreed, saying the prison’s failure to adhere to federal prison policies violated the fourth, sixth, and eight amendments, and were a clear violation of my civil rights. After a couple of hearings, he granted my pardon but I couldn’t go back as Kace Patton. Not after being dead for a year and definitely not having killed Barclay's daughter. So, Havok was born.”

Curiosity spiking, I ask, “Why Havok?”

“It’s a play on words. First off, I spelled it with a ‘K’ at the end. Homage to my former life. The rest of it fit what I was going to do to Lucien if he ever got out. Confusion, disorder, damage. Even if he was never released, I had someone on the inside ready to put an end to him at the blink of an eye. There were too many unanswered questions. Then the informant got spooked.”

“Let me guess—a guard.”

There’s irony somewhere in there. So much so, I award him with a disbelieving shake of my head. Lucien went in, gunning for a guard; it’s only poetic that a guard was gunning for him.

Kace’s arm slinks past me and turns off the water, sure to press a kiss to the side of my face in passing. Next, he’s wrapping a lush towel around me and drying me off, inconsiderate of his own wet, naked and cold body.

“His therapist, actually. The guard that was keeping tabs on him was her doing, her partner. She saw him for years, waiting for my call to prescribe a dose of medication too high even for him.”

“You’d need a strength suitable for a fucking elephant with how fucked up he is.”

Kace doesn’t say anything, but I notice a ghost of a smirk quirk up on the right side of his mouth. Taking my hand, he leads me out of the shower and ushers me to the bedroom, snatching a towel for himself in the meantime. He wraps it around his hips where it hangs, framing him and nearly short circuits my brain.

“Just high enough to knock him out. She was going to have the guard go in and administer adrenaline, then when he became combative, the rest of the officers would go in and beat him to death.”

Flinching, I wheel around on him. The innocent little boy Lucien used to be? I can feel him holding onto my right hand as it hangs at my side. The part of Lucien’s soul that should have been protected and loved at all costs. Maybe it’s just the mom in me, but Lucien deserved more than he was given as a boy. Perhaps if he—we—were cherished more, this whole fucking trip wouldn’t be happening. I never would have been assaulted, he wouldn’t be strapped to a chair in the living room beaten, Kace—I never would have met him.

“I know that look—you’re mad at me. Try not to be, I… I was doing what I thought was necessary to get my revenge on him while also keeping you and Sadie safe in the future. Right now, seeing what you both have gone through, I should have made the call but I didn’t.”

“What happened after that, Kace?”

“He was released a few months after the informant was spooked. Then you were released shortly after. Which raises the question as to how and why. Finding those answers didn’t matter at that time—you did. Matias and I knew he would go for Sadie to get to you. Therefore, I put other shit in motion. Contacted the company Babel works for because he came with recommendations from another contact. Then… then we waited for Lucien to make his move.”

“If… if you knew everything, why did it take so long for you to come in contact with me? Why did he wait to help Sadie!” My tone gets louder with every word.

He lifts his hands in surrender, brows lax, attempting to placate me.

“Goddamnit, Kace, tell me!”

“Influence, Nadia. I had to get him far enough away from his influence that he wouldn’t have a leg to fall back on and he’d be cut off. Whoever got him out would have helped him. We were not taking chances with yours and Sadie’s lives in the balance. Also needed evidence; we had eyes on the two of you the entire time. Recorded more than enough to put him a hundred feet below the surface at this point. Killing him is the preference, but—“

“But what?!”

I’m so fucking pissed right now, it all makes sense. From an emotional standpoint, it hurts, because he allowed us harm just to have something against Lucien. Grabbing my towel, I tighten it around me, subconsciously putting up some sort of protectivebarrier even if no amount of fancy cotton will keep his words from reaching me.

“Babel and I have seen the way you look at him with pity in your eyes. You don’t need to explain, and I don’t have to understand, but there’s pain there. Nadia, you don’t want me to kill him, do you?”

Balking at him, we stand in silence so tense it will take a jackhammer to break through. He… he doesn’t believe I don’t want Lucien to keep sucking in air. Inhaling the precious oxygen my daughter deserves, as compared to him. There is a judgement waiting for Lucien that’s going to make the planet breathe a sigh of relief at its commencement. How do we get from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’? By me making shit happen.

My lips part to tell Kace how fucking stupid he sounds; that if he doesn’t go out there right now and put a bullet between my brother’s eyes, he can kiss me and Sadie goodbye. The tug and squeeze on my hand is there again, pulling me from my ire at Kace to look at the apparition of a four-year-old boy standing between me and the bed. His big silver eyes mirror images of mine.

“Why you eyes rain? Do you have sad?”

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