Page 103 of Judas

When another comes, I jump like I’ve been assaulted at some shitty haunted house. The rats take off running when a third one stabs the draft again.

Jesus, can a guy die in peace?

A few lower voices come next, Nadia’s floating atop of theirs, broken by muted sobs. Shifting as much as the chair and restraints will allow me, I turn my head enough to locate where the murmuring is coming from. Another shrill screech perforated with cries sends my heart into overdrive.

Nadia.

“B… baby.” My lips part painfully around the term. A second wind races toward me as I realize it’s her screaming. Twisting all I can to look around, I note the deep red of emergency lights over my shoulder and at the end of the long corridor. It’s far enough away it didn’t rouse me awake sooner. I can only imagine what is happening to her; it fills me with dread and threatens to break me. If there was a riot, if the inmates got the upper hand, then she’s having the worst thing happen to her.

Stilling and urging my heart to stop its racing, slow the roaring of blood in my ears to where I can listen again, silence fills theharrowing space. Prying my lips apart again, I do the only thing I think I can do— pray.

“Religion… isn’t my… thing, you know. But, if you’re really up there, watching what’s happening to Nadia, please save her.”

Another outcry, this time followed by the deep whoops of what I can only assume are other inmates. My fears quickly confirmed themselves.

“Fuck!! Nadia, baby!”

The strength that comes with a second wind finally sinks in. Allowing me to thrash in the chair which felt a million pounds just moments ago. Letting me teeter side to side, the fuck am I going to do when the chair crashes against the floor? I don’t know. I can’t reach anything to unlock this shit, but that doesn’t matter as rage floods my veins along with adrenaline. My girl.

“Please!”

Scream.

“Goddamnit, Nadia, I’m coming. FUCK! Please, if there’s someone… something… up there. Don’t…”

Physical pain is nothing compared to hearing her shriek through abuse. It’s incapacitating but I can’t stop the agony cutting and breaking my voice as I try to comfort her from afar. Tears sting my eye, feeling so fucking hopeless. I can’t do shit but sit here and listen to what I can only imagine is an assault. Shattering under the weight of not being able to get to her, to protect her. She’s wherever having her world changed in such a violent way, and I can’t even be there to put her back together.

“B… baby.” I’m breathing out painfully as tears race down my surely-wrecked face. “I’m here, you can’t see me… hear me… but I’m here. Promise I’ll always be with you. They can change you all they want, there’s no fucking way you’ll ever be different in my eyes. Don’t give in, show them how strong you are; show this whole fucking world that you’re a force they will never amount to.”

One goodbye message was enough, a second one is earth-shattering. Still here, listening intently for anything else, I will everything I am to her. The invisible red string tying us together, in this life and the next.

My heart can’t take it when gunshots ring out through the pit, sending me spiraling. I’m falling apart, a mix of blood and tears streaking the left side of my face—the scent of my own blood mingling with the scent of the pit. The other side, however, is soaked. My jumper is heavy on my chest, cool almost, which tells me it’s drenched too. I gave up at the loud bangs; my head dropped forward as if I was the one shot. Thinking a bullet hit my chest, but no— I’m still here, and there’s no gap other than the one Nadia is leaving inside of me.

I can’t remember the last time I cried. Maybe back when I was a kid and my dad accidentally ran over a wild animal that darted across the road at the last second. He introduced me to death that day; explained that sometimes lives come to an end early but that’s all part of life and the big plan.

In the back of my head, little me is watching Dad put the box in the ground and cover it gently with dirt. Speaking resolutely like only a CEO can do.

“I know it doesn’t make sense, Kace. Why some things, people, are not given the chance to live longer. Just try to remember that they served a purpose. The most important task they fulfilled was to make you a better person. By teaching you things like compassion, restraint, or even love. When they go, what you do afterward is how you will honor them. This is one of many painful lessons, my boy. Unfortunately, life is full of them. Coming out on the other side of the pain is only half the battle.”

This pain, though? Impossible. I’m too weak to move on from this agony. Just as I didn’t have the strength to get to Nadia andstop people from traumatizing her. Thinking about it feels like a noose around my neck but part of me hopes the gunshots were for her. Civility doesn’t exist in prison but Jesus Christ, ending her life would have been a mercy. In the event I don’t make it out of this, at least if they killed her, we could soar the stars together.

Staying away from Nadia wouldn’t have stopped whatever happened up there. Had I heeded Lucien’s warning, perhaps love wouldn’t have been the only thing Nadia taught me. She suffered alone; my feeble confessions and encouragement did nothing, and it’s all my damn fault.

Hindsight is twenty-twenty, they say. Dad was so fucking right.

Chapter thirty-six

Havok

Since starting the explanation of what happened in the pit, though some of the details are still blurry, Nadia has put clothes on. I understand why she doesn’t want me to kill Lucien. He played a part in her losing herself, and fracturing me right down the middle. Ever since then, the anger and desperation to keep Nadia safe took over each aspect of my life.

Nadia has since closed the distance. Managing to yank on a pair of sweats from a random drawer, she’s now curled in my lap. I can’t hold onto her hard enough; half because I’m scared to hurt her again, half because the anger inside of me still isn’t done taking care of the remaining pieces that fucked her up.

Her dad? The lawyer told her he died because of the cancer he was stricken with. Eventually it would have put him under but it wasn’t fast enough for my likings. So, I had his medication laced with cyanide. He went into cardiac arrest at his radiology appointment. Sloppy, but they ruled it as natural causes due to his treatment.

Warren? Well, Fury handled that like a champ. Still waiting for her to call on me to return the favor. The small tab Nadia racked up with her? Added it to mine. Nadia will never have to take part in violence when this is all said and done. She gets to live the rest of her life being a mother and supporting our daughter.

Thankfully her circle was small; when those two were out of the picture, I picked off Lucien’s dad next and another clergy member for simply witnessing me murder his old man. After that, the Cartel yanked me off the street. Matias set up the connection and got me where I needed to be, but those kills were personal. It wasn’t until I went through training that I turned into the machine I am today.

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