Page 116 of Judas

A strangled cry hits my ears before my head comes out of the fog. Feeling the hot, wet, tracks of tears burning my face just far enough before they drip off and land on the barrier under me. It takes me a second to realize I’m on my stomach now, every inch of skin I can sense crawls. A million writhing worms digging through the dirt my flesh has decayed into before it melts off the bone.

Do you know what tonic immobility is? It’s the side of survival most people don’t experience as they are able to escape their perceived threats. When you’re introduced to a threat, and you fail to ward it off and become hurt, your body shuts down to preserve the brain. In a way to soothe the trauma, your mind then goes through detachment, allowing you to drift away as you experience whatever attack you’re encountering. At least, that’s what my therapist said. A huge number of women experiencetonic immobility, something close to seventy percent, during sexual assault.

Outside of the tears and the worms, I sense nothing. The adrenaline and clarity evaporated in a single breath. Weak, worthless, polluted. Dirty. Septic. Disposable. I can’t… can’t do this again. I won’t survive it a second time.

“Baby?” Kace’s softer voice barely penetrates the shell my mind has formed over emotions that have been demolished. Still sensing him, he shifts from behind me, gently lying on the floor a safe distance away. I don’t know if it’s because he thinks I might hit him again, which his eye is already starting to bruise, or if he’s trying to respect my space.

We lay there for God knows how long, just looking at one another. So much pain and heartache exists between us where it’s a wonder that we haven’t given up on each other completely and walked away. After this, I half expect him to. He knows what happened to me during the riot and how? Now he sees how my body and mind fracture under certain stress—certain stimuli. This, the way I’m paralyzed right now, isn’t his fault by no means. Kace is burdened by death, I’m tormented by assault, our daughter stricken by things we cannot see. What a family we are.

“Did I hurt you?” He asks. The blue eye flicking to check me over, the grey one trying to do the same but not quite as pronounced as the other. Physically, other than him kidney-checking me, I’m fine. It’s everything else that’s wrong. My head… my emotions… my heart. Now that he sees me like this, he’s not going to stay. And that guts me the rest of the way.

Cats and dogs.

Oil and water.

War and peace.

“No.”

“Talk to me. What’s going through your head. You’re not angry anymore, and it’s giving me whiplash if I’m being honest.”

I try to shake my head, surprised when it moves, even if barely. If there’s one thing my body doesn’t want to do when I come out of tonic immobility, it’s talking. Too much is running through my mind and speaking on it exhausts me further. Just let me go, allow me to run and hide and lick my wounds in my own space. Away from the world. For a moment I felt like my old self again, strong and capable. Strength to get through any obstacle without having to rely on anyone else to hold me up or support me. The girl who had the biggest chip on her shoulder.

She died when Kace did.

“Do you want me to help you up? You went slack so I just let you down where you’re at.”

“No,” I answer him.

“Babygirl, come on. Let me help, please.”

Kace is pushing up from the floor before he can finish speaking and I know he’s going to reach for me next. The second wind I need to move kicks in and I roll over onto my back, swatting at his hand when he tries to assist me. The worms are still burrowing, if he touches them, they will start from the beginning and that thought could send me into another spiral.

“Goddamnit, Nadia, let me—“

“No!”

My voice cracks with the shout. Seeing the annoyance on his face, it breaks me. And how do I respond? By covering mine with both hands, blocking out the sight of him when the dam breaks open again. Sending me into upper body tremors as I cry, the tears like magma seeping from the corners of my eyes. They’re searing, painful, and full of loathing.

Touching me means he wins. I can’t let other people win anymore. They’re not allowed to have this kind of power over me, not when I know I can be strong again. I can’t pull myself together and glue the pieces back in place. There is only one person in this world that I need more than my next breath andit’s not Kace. I need Sadie. She was there with me when my assault happened and was so fucking formidable she survived me being beaten and sullied. She’s the mightiest thing I’ve ever seen, without her, I don’t think I’ll ever heal.

Kace steps back, his arm reaching up to rub the back of his head. Unsure what to do. The other hand braces on his hip as he watches me. Regret, plain as day, in his posture and the sound of his voice.

“I brought back a memory… didn’t I. N—“

Refusing to let him finish, not wanting him to make this shit about himself, I work my body over until I’m rising from the floor. The room is a wreck. After days of torturing Lucien for information, they’re nowhere close to getting the answers they want. I know more than they do and right now, which Kace isn’t getting anything out of me. The way I see it, Lucien’s secrets can die with me. Nothing he says will fix what has happened nor will it make our lives better. It may just make them worse and if anyone deserves to hurt for this, it’s him.

“L… let him go.” Stuttering the words.

Kace stills and drops his arm, standing tall even if his back isn’t as straight as it usually is when he’s confronted.

“What do you mean?”

“Lu… cien. Let him go.”

“What? Why the hell would I do that?”

“I don’t… don’t want you to hurt people anymore. That’s… not who you are, Kace. His excuses will never be justified and as long as he’s your concern, I can’t be here. Pl… please just let him go. Let me and Sadie move on from him—let yourself move on.”

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