Page 131 of Judas

Turning quickly, I’m standing in a field of so many dandelions my heart pitter patters in overwhelming joy. Dropping down, I start picking as many as I can. Fisting my hand around their stems so tight, they begin to ooze latex. Most of them are still with their soft yellow petals that remind me of the sun, the others puffy like clouds ready to float through the air.

Hearing a footstep, my head turns to the side and I see Lucien. He’s little, like he was the first time I saw him. Clutching my flowers, I put my right foot on the ground and push up untilI’m standing. Realizing we are the same height—the same age. He smiles at me and takes my hand, but waits patiently for me to move all the dandelions over to my other one.

Looking at him, I can’t help but smile when he gives me the same child-like beam.

“There you two are, come on. Lucien, I have noodles ready for you. Nadia, your kitty is running all over the house and needs someone to play with.”

“Yes mama,” we both answer in the smallest voices.

We stand there a bit longer, smiling at one another before he pulls me into a hug.

“I love you, sissy.”

“I love you too, bubba.”

Squeezing my hand, we take off running.

“I love you,” I choke out. My hand squeezing onto the keys I previously landed on. “I know… no one has told you that… but I do. But, one of you is the devil.”

Swinging my arm back, I punch him with the knees spiked through my fingers as if they were a pair of brass knuckles. Samael screams out when spurts of blood spray all over me. Releasing me, I follow him and keep hitting him wherever the keys will stab into him. Forty years of my life being destroyed, dealing with terrible outcomes, and so much heartbreak comes out of me in waves of unrestrained yet emotionless violence.

Samael stops defending himself finally and I pull away. Empty, the monster inside of me looks down her nose at what I’ve just done. Throwing the keys to the side, the metal clinks and clanks when they crash into whatever surface they crash onto. Without looking back, I turn and head to Kace. He’s still out, his chest not moving but I be fucking damned if I let him go again.

Stomping over, I grab his shirt and drag him off the couch where Lucien tossed his body like he meant nothing to someone. He’s my entire night sky, might not be much to others, but it’s more than enough to me. Laying him down flat, I quickly tilt his head back and check his pulse.

Nothing.

Declaring to the eerie atmosphere, I scream, “I’m not losing you again!” Placing the heel of my right hand on his sternum, between his nipples, the left braces on the top and I thrust down. Sounds of Kace’s ribs crack with the first handful of compressions, losing myself in the frantic nature of trying to save his life.

“Co… come on… Kace. I need… you. You’re not… leaving… me again. Not when… our daughter’s… waiting for you.. too.” Huffing my words over the rapid compressions, stopping at the thirty count to tilt his head back, hold his nose, and breathe into his mouth. The expanse of his chest rises with the two breaths, then I’m back at it again. Over and over until he gasps on his own and relief washes through me. I immediately stop CPR, grab his shoulder, and pull him into the recovery position so pressure lifts away from his chest.

Observing Kace closely, as in making sure he’s still breathing, I reach into his pocket and dig for his phone. As soon as I have it out, a finger presses the small button on the side where the screen illuminates a photo of me sitting in the courtyard of Bluitt wearing my issued denim jacket. I tap the little phone icon and select ‘emergency’. I don't have time to ask about it, but I now realize it comes from a place of devotion and not a place of obsession.

“Cotton top!” A Hispanic accent radiates from the phone. Why, why is he answering an emergency call—you know what, whatever.

“Matias?” Choking out his name, my evasive emotions from a little while ago start to come back in a flood.

“Nadia? Ah, mierda. What happened?”

“Please… he needs help.”

“Maldita sea. Stay put, I’m sending someone to you.”

The dam that was holding everything back?

Catastrophic failure—every ounce of grief returns with a vengeance.

Check Point

How are you feeling?

We all good still?

Won’t lie. That chapter tore me up. I’m good now

I’m surrounded by cats, blankets, and have a restock on Monster.

Alright, love.

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