Page 18 of Judas

“We don’t say shit like that anymore, Nadia. You ought to pick up Urban Dictionary and learn new slang. It will help you not look so out of place.”

“Dickhead. I dig it.”

It’s my turn to smirk now, the impassive glare he gave coming through in a loud sort of silence. That’s when I realize he can see me too. Fucking hell, good thing I’m not doing something even more embarrassing than being out of touch with the world.

“What did he see?” Trying to further the conversation along rather than sitting here like a deer in headlights.

“Fight.”

Jeez, Shakespeare, don’t go into detail or anything.

“Elaborate,” I say with a snap.

“He thinks you have some sort of gusto under that fucking attitude. Only needed to confirm.”

“And?”

I’ve had police questioning that has gone a lot smoother than this.

“All I see is a confused and misplaced woman who wouldn’t know how to survive without someone holding her hand and telling her what to do. Is that what you want to hear, Nadia? That I think you’re lost, useless, and need to be ushered around like you can’t think for yourself?”

What the fuck do I say to that? I mean, in a way he’s right—I am lost and confused, unable to place myself anywhere where I could belong but I’m not THAT pathetic, am I?

Welp, it’s time to do what I do best. Be a smart ass.

“This mean you want to hold my hand, Ra?”

“Not at all. I do, however, want to beat you with it.”

“Kinky.”

“Watch it.”

This time, I laugh, unable to hold it back and it feels good. He’s crass and irritating, but I like that and it feels safe. Unsure what that says about me, but who gives a fuck? It shouldn’t take someone like Ra to make me feel any semblance of ease but here we are.

Turning, I look out the window and let silence take the both of us again. The random click and snap of a keyboard echoing through the video call. Like two old friends, sitting here with nothing to say, nothing to share, but still there for support, maybe even accountability?

Letting my thoughts wander, I start piecing together what I may need to do to get Sadie back. Lucien isn’t going to let her go willfully and that’s an issue all on its own. I also need to consider her mental state. I saw the bottles in her room; a few of them I have become accustomed to over the years—Risperdal being the one that stuck out to me the most.

I’ve watched Nurse Cindy give that one out more times than I can count, and the fact that it’s being prescribed to my daughter is concerning. I don’t know what they have done to her, or why she needs it, but it answers why she would allow some fuck like Lucien to get ahold of her.

“You’re thinking too hard, Nadia.” Ra interrupts my thoughts, his voice low and gravely. He probably got punched in the throat one too many times growing up.

“Would you rather I let you do all the thinking? You did just say that I’m pathetic so, sit over there in your fancy room with all your gadgets and tell me where in the hell I need to go. I’m depending on you to get me close enough to my kid where I can save her life.”

“You want my honesty or would you like me to pacify you? Since my earlier words seem to have struck a nerve.”

“Honesty would be nice. A bit important for this business relationship, don’t you think?”

Without missing a beat, he replies. It’s almost robotic in a sense, how easy it is for him to have an answer and for the words to be spoken. It’s like he has thought long and hard about them.

“I think you’re too late. If this guy, Lucien, is as manic as you say he is, and he has Sadie cooped up somewhere with plans to flee the country, she’s as good as gone. You’re already so far north, you need to seriously consider the possibility that she’s gone.”

“No.”

“Nadia…”

“I said no, Ra!” My voice grows louder and full of a mixture of emotions. He doesn’t interject nor get angry at my outburst. How could he understand what I’m going through, fuck, he’s not even old enough. Should have asked him to pacify me instead despite favoring the cold hard truth. Not a damn thing on this planet is going to make me give up on finding Sadie; even if jumping the border ends up on the to-do list, it will be done. I am finding my kid, one way or another.

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