Page 70 of Judas

Call me anything you want, I don’t deserve any less, for allowing her to believe I was dead. When you get to thinking about it, though, the Kace she knew was. I haven’t gone by that name since the monumental masons carved my name into granite and placed a marker over an empty grave. A calculated move, painful but necessary. He, the scum bleeding all over the floor, had to believe he was successful in something.

I was definitely in a bad way, which I’m not going to harp on right now, but there was someone looking out for me for sure. Never was a spiritual person, yet deep in my heart I know there was someone tending to me for those days before I was located. Nadia had already been carted off to jail, Darkwater was being evacuated, and the papers had me listed as a missing person. Eventually a casualty.

There was no way I was well enough to attend her hearings, so my new friends—well… Matias’s friends—kept me up-to-date by providing a TV and anything the newspapers printed. Then Warren happened—and kept happening.

When I first started training with the Cartel, it was difficult. I didn’t like being violent, but I learned to. The resentment stewing inside of me caused a lot of fuck ups before I eventually learned to navigate emotionally. All of the physical shit was the easy part. Worked out and lifted like I did while inside, added more to my regimen including bare knuckle fighting and martial arts. Fixed everything I could and left my heart for last.

My death turned me into a machine and I’ve done nothing but avenge my girl since.

The day I reached out to Xavier, I made a deal that I never thought I was going to have to follow through on. As long as the debt came down on me and not my family, I didn’t care. Well, when his ugly mug unzipped my body bag and he slapped me into wakefulness, another painful reality settled in. I wouldn't say I’m a lackey for him, but he sends me to jobs that keep myskills sharp and there is no telling how long I will have to repay every favor I’ve asked for.

I was messy as fuck at first and refined with time. Now I’m in and out without so much of a whisper. Don’t get me confused with a hitman or an assassin, I’m not that. Typically, I stay the fuck out of any sort of arena that can put me back in prison under the right circumstances. But if he calls, I answer, and the job is done.

Long-range sniping? I’m your guy.

Hand-to-hand combat without evidence? Done.

Total disappearance? Name the target.

This, though? Hearing her confused and broken voice, after watching her nearly die, it puts a crack in my armor. A barrier I spent years spit-shining and rubbing blemishes out of. Why? Why not find pride in the way I thrived in the face of my adversary? I’m not worthy and don’t fucking argue with me about it. I had all the opportunity in the world to sew our damaged pieces back together, liquid cement her to me. I could have found a way, I just didn’t. I wanted to, God did I.

Forcing myself to go to Bluitt and stand outside was hard enough as it was. Xavier was in my head talking about prison breaks, getting her out along with his own inside, but I chose to let her stay. A life on the run is not one I wanted for Nadia; doing her time and coming out on the other side was best.

When the tabloids finally left her alone, I watched her begin to find companionship with other women. Her so-called friends left her high and dry through her trial. One or two I understand, but they were supposed to be her ‘ride or die.’ Needless to say, they flaked out like the chicken shits they are. They’re off living their meaningless lives now. The boy, he has a handful of baby mommas who drain his bank account weekly. The girl that was supposed to be some sort of Instagram sensation got wrappedup in a scandal with a sex trafficking ring—they put a bullet in her head.

Then there were the sisters, Wren, I think her name was. Well, they were able to keep a low profile for a long while but all good things come to an end, right? The older sister was arrested and tried for the kidnapping of Wren, and her parents sued her at a civil level, too. She’s now in an institution in Florida while Wren left the country and hasn’t been seen since. If Nadia wants, which I doubt it, I’ll help her find Wren but from what I’ve seen Fury is her friend now.

What they don’t tell you about the Cartel, and finding your true family, is that the debts never go away. They compound and you naturally return the favor with more. For instance, those tabloids I mentioned? That fucker Warren kept feeding them shit. When I caught on to what he was doing, harassing Nadia in Bluitt, I made it a point to study and memorize everything about him—especially his schedule.

My ex wasn’t ever a problem, I guess. She was obsessed and when I turned into a ‘bad boy,’ it got worse. Warren wasn’t enough for her after that; she wanted to relive the days she had when we were fucking, but thankfully I was dead. Emilia ended up dumping Warren. Then to drag my name and my legacy through the mud, he targeted Nadia. The last time he visited her, he never left Bluitt.

“It’s all set, brother,” Xavier says to me, his accent heavy even if half-fake.

We’re standing outside of her prison today. My hands are tucked into the pockets of my jacket; it’s not heavy but it’s taking care of the chill that’s sitting in the air. All of my clothes fit better than they ever have before. It’s been several years but I keep my hair a bit shorter than what it was in Darkwater, even let my facial hair grow out some—the darker whiskers arean odd contrast to the blond but I like it. Feels rugged, rougher, adds to all of the ink.

Everything I’ve carved into my skin has been to dull the pain lingering in my head and chest. No amount of ibuprofen or acetaminophen takes that away—the hurt I have from missing Nadia. I choose to dull it with tattoos and for the most part it’s worked.

Xavier, standing next to me, he’s a ticking time bomb. I’m not going to get into all of his shit but he’s walking a line that’s going to break one day and neither side is going to accept him back. He’ll end up on so many lists, that I hope my affiliation to him doesn’t force my hand, too. Guy has been amazing, the brother I’ve never had, gets me whatever I need and if he can’t… he knows a guy. The Cartel comes with a spiderweb of connections and I use all of them.

Like this one.

“Sounds good, man. How long has he been in there?”

“Ahhh, say a good forty-five or so. Don’t worry, cabrón, ya cielo won’t have a clue,” X replies.

“Good. The less she knows the better. Your girl understands if there’s any heat, she takes all of the fall, right? I’d rather not have to throw her into Lake Michigan with cinderblocks attached to her ankles.”

“La Furia has it handled. Trust me.”

That day? It was like Christmas. I stood outside of the perimeter until my phone dinged with a photo. Flipping it open, I was met with a picture ofLa Furiaand a very—very—dead Warren in the background. Insane girl, her blood-soaked hand was holding up his tongue and she had her own sticking out, ready to lick the tip. The next, she was hugging him like an oversized state fair Beanie Baby. Over the top, but she got the job done and made sure my girl was safe.

Just another debt to pay.

Here I stand now, my back to the woman I’m so madly in love with, and I’m vastly underprepared for this moment. Sounds absurd, but there wasn’t enough time for me to grow a pair of balls and look at Nadia. The second my name fell from her lips, my spine went ram-rod straight and every muscle tensed under the pressure of guilt.

Bringing both hands to the front of me, I look at Lucien—who appears like he’s on the verge of passing out—then pop my knuckles. They don’t need it; they don’t even hurt, though I’ve been beating the fuck out of him for a good twenty minutes or so. It’s just a nervous tick, some fidget-spinner type ordeal.

When I finally man up, I look over my shoulder and find Nadia standing at the open door to the bedroom. Babel is behind her right shoulder, looking down at her while cradling my—our—daughter like she’s the most valuable person on the face of the earth. He’d be right in that sense, the other one is standing just a foot in front of him. I take a second to look Sadie up and down before turning and giving her my undivided attention. She looks so damn good, unfortunately no amount of ogling her is going to remedy the explosion that’s about to happen.

---