Page 179 of The Valiant Knight
Tonight, he’d partake in some sleazy, random hookup where he was degraded and humiliated.
It was to punish himself because he’d let the best thing in the world walk out the door all of those years ago.
The only reason he did the random hookups was because he had to feel something.
He was so numb all of the time that he swore he was the walking dead.
Empty.
Broken.
Decimated.
There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t think about D’Artangnan and wonder if he was okay. Wonder if he was thinking about him.
If he found love again.
If he ever moved on.
He remembered the tattoo they each got, him a D on his thigh, and D’Artangnan getting a G. The script was beautiful, and they were able to hide it under their uniforms with no one being the wiser.
It was one more thing that tied them together, even while they were apart. He remembered D’Artangnan telling him he’d never remove it, no matter what.
Had he kept his word?
Did he still have it?
Or did he cover it up to forget him?
Honestly, he wouldn’t have blamed the man had he done just that.
All he knew was his was still there, and it would stay there as a constant reminder of what he’d lost.
When D’Artangnan asked him to follow him back to the United States, but wouldn’t tell him why he wouldn’t stay, it had been his breaking point. Graham had to stay to finish out his time in the Black Watch.
Why hadn’t he stayed with him?
Why didn’t D’Artangnan love him enough to stay?
When he told him if he left, he’d never take him back, it had been out of stubbornness, selfishness, and rage.
Now, eight years later, he could see that he’d done that in anger, and when you did stupid shit like that, it broke you.
And that person.
This was his karma.
There was no doubt that his once lover hated him because he hated himself for letting the love of his life leave.
He still couldn’t believe he let him walk out of that flat door to never return.
His final words, when he looked back, haunted him.
‘I’ll always love you, Graham. No one will love you as much as I do. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you to just trust me and take that plunge.’
And then, he was gone.
FOREVER.
