Page 97 of The Crown of the Last Fae Queen
“Then help me understand.”
Kolfinna raked a hand through her hair. “I’m the supposed princess of the fae—don’t you think that means something here? I’m the only one who can awaken the queen, and I’m a symbol of hope for the fae, but I have no idea what is right or wrong. If I make a wrong decision …” Her head ached and she rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands. “I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.”
She didn’t want him to see her so vulnerable, but another part of her wanted to curl into his lap and forget about all her worries. It was another confusing, conflicting feeling. One that left her more drained.
Blár watched her without a word, as if expecting her to continue speaking, but her words had dried up. The tumultuous feelings bubbling in the pit of her stomach like a cauldron continued to brew and she turned away from him, ashamed that she couldn’t be like him. It was easy for him to make a decision. It was easy for him to think of the humans, since that was allhe’d ever known, but it was different for her. She didn’t trust the humans completely, but she didn’t trust the fae either. It made the decision on who to choose all the more difficult.
Kolfinna picked at her nails distractedly, her body moving on its own as she continued her pacing. Blár stopped in front of her, his large hands gripping her shoulders to prevent her from walking. He leveled her with an unreadable stare.
“Tell me everything that’s bothering you.”
“No, I?—”
“Stop.” He steered her toward the bed and forced her to sit on the edge of the soft mattress. He dropped down to his knees in front of her, taking her hands within his. The blue of his eyes reminded her of a winter’s storm; cold, violent, and all encompassing. And yet there was only tenderness veiled beneath the fury she saw there. “You need to stop holding everything in. You don’t tell me anything about what worries you. You didn’t tell me about your father, or this whole situation about you being the heir, and even though you apologized, you’re still doing it again. Is this a defense mechanism of yours? To keep everything to yourself, and to slowly wither as your anxieties eat you away?”
“You don’t understand.” Her words were barely a whisper. Tears welled in her eyes and she was so incredibly drained. All the memories she had witnessed in the sword-dimension, all of her anxieties about which side to choose, her predicament with being imprisoned—all of it culminated into a bone-deep exhaustion that made her freeze.
“What don’t I understand?”
“I … I …”
“Kolfinna, don’t you trust me?” He tried to keep his tone neutral—she knew it, she knew him so well at this point that every little inflection in his voice was readable to her—but she could hear the small tremor. The fury that he barely kept incheck. And she knew that he wasn’t angryat her, but at the fact that she couldn’t trust him with her thoughts. That he wasn’t privy to that.
She didn’t want to tell him everything. The stubborn, fearful part of her wanted to keep it to herself, like he had said. But she wanted to trust him. If there was anyone in the world that she could trust—it was him.
Blár was the only one she could bare herself to, and he wouldn’t judge her. He wouldn’t hate her for thinking what she did. He would stay by her side. He had proven it time and time again. Even now, instead of running off and fighting in this war, he was here in the fae fortress with her, trying to help her escape.
“I … I don’t know,” she continued, squeezing her eyes shut. “I don’t know which side to choose.”
He stilled, and she couldn’t bear to face him.
Kolfinna released a shuddered breath. “I don’t know which side to choose, Blár. I like the humans, I do, but I don’t trust them. They want to kill me. They’ve shown me hundreds of times that they don’t want me, or the fae, on their side. They don’t wish for a world where the fae and the humans coexist. I can’t trust them to protect the fae once this war is over. If I suddenly join them now, I think the first thing the humans will do is execute me for being a fae, for being the princess of the fae, and for being the only one capable of freeing the fae queen.” The words rushed out of her without restraint. Her hands trembled in his, and she spared a glance his way. She couldn’t read the emotions in his stare, but the fact that he didn’t immediately condemn her made her speak more.
The whole reason she had kept her lineage a secret from the humans was because she knew they would execute her if they knew who she really was. She knew they would kill her for being the key to awakening Vidar and Aesileif. She’d always known that she could never trust the humans.
“The fae,” she continued, “aren’t great, either. I know that. I know that they have a reputation of being brutal. I know that they use humans as mana slaves. I know that they have their faults, but Ibelongwith them. They understand me, and I can see why they were pushed into this position. If I didn’t care for the humans, then the fae side is the obvious choice. There are good people in the fae army.” She thought about Astrid, who’d been kind to her even when she didn’t need to be. “I know that the humans will have a hard time with the fae above them, but I don’t think the intent of the fae army is to completely eradicate the human race or to completely enslave them either. But I can’t trust them to not dosomeof that, and that’s why I’m conflicted with them.”
Blár nodded and pulled himself up to sit beside Kolfinna. Tears streamed down her face and she clamped her eyes shut, trying to keep her voice level.
“I want to free Aesileif. I want to free the queen … mymother. And I know it goes against everything the humans want. And I hate—absolutely hate—how I can’t make a decision. I told Vidar that I would free her, and I truly want to do that, but doesn’t that mean I’m aligning with the fae? What about everyone I’m betraying with that decision? You, Eyfura, Nollar, Magni, Herja, Inkeri—the list goes on and on. There are humans who I care for that I would be condemning by making that choice.” She bit back another choked sob. “And I hate that I have to choose between my own mother and everyone I love, and I … I don’t know what’s right or wrong. What if I’m executed, if the humans win? What if the humans kill the entire fae race and become even more ruthless with hunting down my people? What if the fae are worse than the humans, if they win? What if they enslave all of humanity in Rosain? What if—what if my decisions destroy an entire race? Whether my race, or the human one?”
Blár wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she shivered under his unexpected touch. She hadn’t even realized how much she needed this—the feel of him, knowing that he was here with her even if he didn’t necessarily agree with her. She leaned into his touch, her body curling against his as a sob wrenched from her.
“I don’t know the right answer, either, Kolfinna,” he whispered. “It’s a heavy choice to make, and I can tell how much it’s tearing you apart. Whether you choose the humans or the fae—orboth—that doesn’t change that you are trying to save lives. You want there to be a better world for both. I’m sorry that neither side can be completely trusted.”
She closed her eyes, the tiredness reaching deeper into her bones—seeping down to her soul. “I don’t know what to do, Blár. If I do free the queen, what will happen? But if I don’t free her, then what kind of a daughter am I? Or … what kind of apersonam I? She’s suffered greatly because of the humans, and I … I feel like I’m betraying my own people.”
“Save your mother.”
He said it so easily. So calmly. Like it wouldn’t affect him to have the fae queen released. For a moment, she could only stare at him in stunned silence. Did he not realize what he was saying? What it meant for Aesileif to be freed?
“Blár …” Her mouth hung open, and she blinked. “She … she’s the fae queen.”
“She’s your mother.” He grasped her chin lightly and his eyes softened. No longer was the ice-cold blue so harsh, but gentle. “She will always be on your side, no matter what you choose. And so will I.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because she’s your mother.”
