Page 31 of Mr Collins in Love
“I am only telling the truth.”
“Aye, I know.Come here.Come closer.”
I did as he said, though I hoped he would not try to touch me, for the nuttery hedgerow had been cut and we were visible from the road if anyone rode past.However, he kept his hands on his spade, and said in a low voice, “I don’t like this marrying business, but you must do as you see fit and then we shall have to see.And I hope as how you will still be my Blackbird after, but if it don’t seem right when all’s said and done we shall have to think again.Do you see?”
“You are making no promises,” I said, my heart sinking again.“Maybe we can go on as before, even if I am married, but maybe not.”
“That’s the way of it.”
He jerked his spade out of the ground, and began to hack away again.I watched for a while, then turned away, my nose full of the scents of earth and wood and rot.
CHAPTER 8
Igrabbed my hat and left Longbourn apace.I could not bear to be tittered at or questioned a moment longer.No, nor even observed.I hastened up the driveway and along the lane, going the opposite way to Meryton, for I had no wish to speak to anyone.Everything was drear and damp, but I was hot with embarrassment.
Miss Elizabeth would not have me.
Not even though I was respectable and comfortable, with a powerful patroness.Not even though, one day, Longbourn would be mine, and as my wife she could have been its mistress and kept her home, as could her mother and any of her sisters who were at that time still unmarried.
Did she not understand that now I would marry another woman?Likely one unknown to her, who would have no family feeling for Mrs Bennet, nor for Miss Bennet, nor Mary, Kitty or Lydia.
Of course, when Longbourn was mine, I would deal with any females then resident as charitably as I was able.I might even give them some regular income if that was a requirement to assure their comfort.But Miss Elizabeth could not know that.Moreover, though she was pretty, she was not considered so comely as her sister Jane, and had been made no other offers, and might never attract any.Did she really have no apprehension of these facts?I could scarcely credit that she had refused me.I felt a fool, but she surely had no sense whatsoever.
I stopped in the middle of the lane.Could she indeed be playing some game, perhaps without even knowing she played it?I could bide my time, go back, ask her again after supper.Or play the game myself; leave Longbourn and let her believe I was gone for good.That would call her bluff.And then, a few months hence, I could return and ask her again.
My toes had gone numb with the cold.I walked on.
She was not playing a game.She had told me she was not.
The lane led down into a bleak and leafless wood, then uphill to a modest prospect of farmland.I did not know the area, but spied the start of a well-trodden bridleway which led off to the west, back through the wood.I took it, walking faster and my toes began to thaw.
There was a spiderweb, jewelled with dew.There, a hawthorn’s scarlet hips, miraculously missed by squirrels and birds.A russet carpet of leaves lay beneath the trees and everywhere there was a rich scent like Mrs Fowke’s good plum cake.I swung my stick and strode along, spirits rising.I might find some interesting new plant to tell Jem about.Perhaps I could collect an unfamiliar seedpod and we could sow it come spring and find out what it was.Today was Wednesday and I had only today, Thursday and Friday to endure.Early on Saturday I would leave this place and be back home on Sunday.My heart leapt at the thought and did not come back down to earth.
I found myself smiling.Yes, at the idea that I would see Jem soon, but there was something more.It took me another half mile to identify it as relief.Pure relief that Miss Elizabeth had said no.
I imagined the scenes had she said yes.I should have had to stay in the house, to receive congratulations and to show my new fiancée all the correct attentions.And she would have thought I truly wanted to marry her.I shuddered as I walked.I had persuaded myself that such deception did not matter to me, but suddenly, now I had escaped it, I could see it would have been cruel.All of Jem’s misgivings had been so insightful and so sensible.I could hardly credit how light I had made of them.
As it was, I was reprieved, at least for a while.I could go back to Lady Catherine and tell her, honestly, that I had proposed to a very suitable young female and had been refused.Lady Catherine might think I should have done better, but I could pretend I was not happy either.I could play the part of the lovelorn swain, and if I played it well enough, I might win myself some months or even years of reprieve, for did not young men sometimes feel strongly in affairs of the heart and wait years for their beloveds to accept their proposals?I would tell Lady Catherine that I believed Miss Elizabeth’s sentiments towards me would soften if I gave her time, and meanwhile wrote to her several times a week.
The bridleway led in a long curve and came back to the lane to the west of Longbourn.I was growing tired and hungry.I should get back and find Mr Bennet in his library, make conversation for half an hour or so and then it would be time for tea.
I was almost back at the house when I perceived a female figure coming out of the front door and proceeding towards me along the driveway.It was Miss Lucas, one of Miss Elizabeth’s friends, and I could not avoid her.
“Ah, Miss Lucas.”I bowed and lifted my hat.“Good morning.”
“Good morning, Mr Collins.”
She was a plain woman with a large nose and she was looking at me so closely I guessed she was wondering what to say.She would hardly be so ill-mannered as to raise the subject of my proposal and her friend’s refusal, but all the same, to demonstrate that I was quite calm and wished to speak of other things, I enquired after her health, and then the health of her mother and father, and her brothers and sisters, of which she had several.She assured me she was well and they were well and I lifted my hat again to indicate that I wished to begin making my farewells.
“Will you walk with me in the garden, sir?”she asked.“It is not raining, for once.”
“Forgive me, Miss Lucas, I was on my way inside.”
“Yes.”She took a deep breath.“To tell you the truth, they are still in a to-do.Mrs Bennet is speaking with Lizzie again and while Lizzie says very little, Mrs Bennet says enough for several people and that rather loudly.Come with me, do, sir, for you will get little peace inside.”
“Well, well,” I said.“But I expect it is quiet enough in Mr Bennet’s study.I hope you will excuse me, Miss Lucas, I am rather tired, having been out walking this past hour.”I lifted my hat, bowed, and took a step towards the threshold.“Good day to you.”
“Mr Collins.”
