Page 67 of Red Rabbit
She nodded and pulled the flannel up, twisting so the angry wounds came into view. They looked slightly better after a colddip in the river. I rubbed more alcohol over them and re-wrapped it as best I could with the awkward location.
“Try and get some sleep,” I said.
I sat next to her and pulled the edge of the blanket over her. She huddled in my flannel, her nose buried in the collar and stared listlessly at nothing. It’s like the further away from the Warren she got, the worse she became. The adrenaline and survival instinct that pushed her before was wearing thin and the exhaustion and pain were eroding her already fragile mental state.
“I don’t want to dream,” she said.
I didn’t have anything to say to her. I knew the nightmares would come. I knew it because I had them too. I took her hand and held it. It was the only thing I could think to do.
She fell asleep for a few minutes but it didn’t look restful. When she screamed in her sleep, I immediately clamped a hand over her mouth. I hated to do it because of what it would trigger but the last thing we needed was for her to bring Cooper down on us. She thrashed and struggled against me and when she opened her eyes all I saw was raw fear and panic before she saw it was me.
“I’m sorry, you were screaming,” I said.
I quickly took my hand away from her mouth. She sat up and drew her knees up to her chest then rested her face in her hands and stayed like that.
Broken people. She was right.
There was nothing in this forest but broken people.
We all break once and then we’re never the same.
Cooper had brought up a big heaping helping of my own trauma and now sitting with Kaelin I felt the raw wounds of my own past chafe.
We had broken. Cooper. Trav. Myself.
They tore apart our bodies and dug into our minds. They made us watch each other go through hell and I think that’s what ended up making us all break apart. To watch someone you care for go through torture of the darkest kind is just as bad as getting physically tortured yourself.
I let her rest for another thirty minutes or so and then I got us up and moving. The rest of the day was rough. She was nearly a zombie. Her eyes were glazed over and she didn’t speak. She couldn’t keep any food down and hardly any water.
I was also beyond exhausted. Running on limited fat and food for the last several weeks had taken a toll on me. Lack of sleep didn’t help either. But someone needed to keep us going, I just wasn’t confident we were going to last several more days like this.
Once night settled again, I found another secluded spot and pulled Kaelin into the shadows. I got her settled, even though she didn’t look like she knew what was going on.
“I’ll be back. I’m going to cover our trail a bit,” I said.
I debated leaving a gun with her but something about her eyes made me decide against it.
25
KAELIN
I was dying. Or maybe I was just fading away slowly as pain eroded my mind. There was no way someone could be in this much pain and not be almost dead. My entire body hurt. Even my mind was in agony. Any time I closed my eyes I saw Paxton standing over me with a knife and it was terrifying. I could feel his hands on me when I was drugged and unable to defend myself and now that sensation haunted me. It might have been easier to cope with the flashbacks if I wasn’t also physically hurt. The pain cut through every coping mechanism I knew and weakened my resolve. I found myself completely disassociating to where I would suddenly blink and find the sun rising or setting with no recollection of the hours before.
Graham left me and I dozed in and out but even if the pain would have allowed me to sleep, I was too afraid of the nightmares. Without Graham there to wake me up if I screamed, I didn’t want to risk it.
The rest of my body was a mass of bruises and it was difficult to get comfortable. I felt on the verge of a breakdown. My usually strong mind felt as thin as a sheet of glass. One wrong move and the entire thing would shatter across the ground.
I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to think, I didn’t want to exist anymore.
More time passed before Graham finally returned. His shadow crossed in front of the bushes and my heart lurched up into my throat until I saw him poke his head in and the rest of him followed.
He settled down next to me, careful not to touch me.
“I see you’re not a bear popsicle.”
I was startled at the use of a joke from before and tried to make out his face in the gloom. I didn’t have the energy to say anything. The memories of the Warren hovered at the edge of my mind, waiting to come surging in.
Was this what rock bottom felt like? I was sure it was.
