Page 64 of Furious
If Zara notices the way my hand is shaking, as I pass her the bag with the food and place my hand over the top of the gravestone, she doesn’t say anything.
“Hey brother,” my voice comes out deep and scratchy, giving away that I’m fighting to keep the tears that have welled in my eyes from spilling. “I’m sorry I haven’t been visiting you before. I’m sure you understand how hard it is. You would have felt the same way if it was me in here.”
The second the words leave my mouth, I know they aren’t true. Atlas would have probably been here every day.
One thing I know for sure, though, is that Atlas would have understood how hard it was to keep breathing without him. When a part of me had been ripped from me leaving a gaping hole where my heart had been.
Up until a few weeks ago, just the thought of coming here would have made me spiral. For the longest time, being numb was the only way to keep living. I was afraid that if I allowed myself to feel anything, the pain would have taken me under. Hisabsence took all the space, all my energy, and the only way to cope with it was to pretend it wasn’t there.
When Zara stepped back into my life, something shifted. There was no way to stop the feelings her presence caused in me. For the first time in two years, I want to feel. I want to live without going through the motions like I’ve done for all this time. I need space where Atlas’s absence sits so heavily.
“Look who’s here, brother.” I take Zara’s hand, pulling her a little closer. The contract grounds me, and the knot in the pit of my stomach loosens a little. “You remember Zara, right?”
I used to tell Atlas everything. Sometimes I didn’t even need to actually speak, because he felt my emotions and I felt his.
Without him, I’ve kept everything bottled up inside. I don’t know if he can still feel my emotions from wherever he is now, so I tell him everything.
About Dad running for mayor, the changes he made to our town and our family. My new job. The wedding.
When I’m done, there’s a beat of silence. Atlas was the best listener and he often would take a few moments to reflect on what he just heard before he voiced his opinion.
I wonder what he would think about the recent developments in town and in our family. But most of all, I wonder what he would think about Dad’s demands to treat Zara like a sibling. Would he think I’m wrong for going against his wishes? And what would he make of the fact that Chance and Lev want Zara, too?
Would he tell me to walk away or to fight for her?
Atlas was never a quitter, so I know the answer to my last question.
“I’m sure you haven’t forgotten that today is our birthday,” I tell him. “The big two-one. I’m sure if you were here, we would have a huge party. Without you, it doesn’t feel right. ButI couldn’t let today go by without acknowledging it. Look, I brought you your favorite breakfast.”
I take one of the sandwiches out of the bag. “Extreme sausage and some hash browns.” I unwrap the sandwich and open it, putting a couple of hash browns inside. “Hash browns into the sandwich, just the way you like it.”
I place the sandwich on the ground in front of my brother’s smiling face. Dad chose his graduation photo to memorialize who Atlas had been. I think he would have preferred a shot in his race suit, but I knew Dad would have never agreed to it.
“I also have something else for you.” I grab the small black plastic bag. “Today would have been our first legal drink. Remember how we planned to go to every bar in town and order a beer? Since we can’t do that, I brought the beer for you. Cheers, brother. Happy birthday.”
I open the bottle and take a small sip. The cold liquid soothes the lump in my throat, at least somewhat. I pour the rest of the beer on the grass and leave the empty next to the food.
“Do you mind if we eat our breakfast with him?” I turn to look at Zara.
“Of course.”
She helps me set the blanket down in front of the gravestone. When we lower ourselves onto it, she sits close enough that our outer thighs are touching. I didn’t even know how much I needed to feel her warmth. But this is the thing with Zara. She always seems to know what I need.
We eat in silence and it’s perfect. If Atlas was here, he would do all the talking. That was our thing. He would give voice to all our plans for the future and without him, I think my future is sitting right by my side in a pretty white sundress.
ZARA
I listen to Ares telling his twin brother about what he’s missed in the past two years.
It isn’t hard to see how hard this is for him to even be here. I stay close to him, but I don’t say much.
Ares has been dreading his birthday. Every year this day has become a reminder of what he has lost. I didn’t know Atlas that much, but I’m honored that he wanted me here with him.
We eat our breakfast side by side on a blanket on the patch of grass in front of Atlas’s grave.
When the food is gone, Ares busies himself with collecting all our empties.
“I would like to stay a little longer. Is that ok with you?” he asks me.
