Page 143 of Kai
“Remember your basics, Sorceress,” I muttered to myself as I paddled frantically, sweeping the surface with my flashlight. “Don’t panic. Don’t give up. I’m coming.”
I wasn’t a fool. I knew my chances of finding Cece were slim to none, but I had to try.
No, I told myself. I had to succeed or die trying.
***
Cece
Down, down I went, resigned to my fate. Perhaps my destiny had been to drown on the day I jumped from the yacht. Nix had thwarted my death. Now the ocean had claimed me once again, and, this time, Nix wasn’t around.
I’d understood my dismal chances the moment I’d made my choice, when I’d decided that the only way Kai would survive the night was if I got Levine offSerenity, regardless of what it entailed. I was still learning to swim, and my hands were tied behind my back, and yet drowning was the risk I’d had to take. Now that I was in the water, I closed my eyes to shield myself from the terrors of the deep.
The milliseconds passed slowly against the black canvas of my eyelids. It was as if time had gotten bogged down in an ocean of thick molasses.
I guess death likes to take its sweet time.I snarked at the specter of the Grim Reaper.Can’t you make it faster, you fucking idiot?
This didn’t feel fast at all. In fact, it felt excruciatingly slow, like a painstaking process, especially as I held my breath and was now trapped in my head, the only place I’d once feared more than the water.
I reminded myself that I had chosen this end withmy faculties intact, without the meddlesome influence of the emotions that had once dominated me—rage, despair, and misery. If I had to die so that Kai survived, then the whole dying thing was worth it.
Kai.
Even as I sank, my heart swelled with the memories of his kindness, bravery, and affection. He’d beensoworth the experiment. He’d taught me love, shown me I could love him back, and allowed me to dream of a future I’d never even considered for myself. He’d helped me realize that my past didn’t have to define me; that strong could be gentle and easy could be powerful; that kindness could be passion, passion could be freedom, and lust could turn to love.
The grief of our parting hit me as my ears popped and my lungs strained. I stretched out my last breath. The air I’d trapped in my lungs would not keep me alive forever. A tide of sorrow enveloped me. It pulled on me as strongly as the underwater currents that carried me away. I had many regrets in life, but the ones that got me at the end were recent.
I’d never be able to kiss Kai again, touch him, make love to him, talk to him, sleep cuddled by his side, or bask in his smiles. I regretted that I’d never be part of his future and that I wouldn’t be there to watch him parent that little girl he saw in his dreams. Hell, I even hated that the swimming lessons were over, and that I would never learn to meditate by his side.
Would he relive the trauma of Malia and Leilani’s loss? I hope not. I didn’t want him to wander the world in mourning again. He’d accepted he wasn’t to blame. He was resilient. Wise. Kai wasn’t alone. He had Dash, my sisters, and Tracker Team to keep him going. He was a fighter and a survivor, like I’d been.
The darkness within me raised its ugly head.Did anything you accomplished in life matter? Is Kai even alive right now? What if Dickface shot him dead? Savior complex,anyone?
Live, Kai. Live. I willed him to go on.We honor our losses with our lives.
Kai was strong. He was a creature of light and learning, and even though he was human, and a work in progress—as I’d learned we all were—he was the best of us, the one most likely to bring peace and joy to this world.
I knew because he’d done it for me.
I felt lucky. I’d gotten to know and love him, even if our time together had been short. So, yeah. I was lucky, even though I was drowning.
You’re so weird, Astor.
I kept my lips and nose locked to the water. When an involuntary gasp shook my body, I figured that whatever oxygen I’d been able to store in my lungs was running out. I had no concept of time, but if I was still alive, perhaps I’d been under for less than a minute.
A minute was the average time a fit person could hold her breath. Two minutes was a stretch, but it was possible. I felt as if I’d been sinking for an hour. My last breath had been a good one.
My lungs demanded air. Instead, they got a trickle of water when a reflexive need to inhale betrayed me. My life flashed in front of me—Mom’s face the last time we’d tended her roses together in her garden; Thena’s proud smile when I won my first tournament; Missy’s adoration when I beat up the boarding school bullies that tormented her. Affie’s contagious giggles as she made fun of my heavy textbooks, my reading glasses, and my boorish pursuits, daring me to come out to play with her, to have fun; Dash’s sober wisdom and unconditional support. And Nix, my dear Nix, my soul twin.
As my body shuddered, my reflexes threatened to take over. I bit down on my lips, and yet water leaked through my nostrils. The foul taste of saltwater coated my mouth, throat, andstomach.
Couldn’t make it pleasant, could you?I cursed once more at the Grim Reaper, swimming all around me like a hungry shark.
Hallucinations. Yep. Lack of oxygen to the brain was making me experience death delusions. Fuck me and my love of science. I could narrate the details of my biological death down to the smallest cell in my body. Once I aspirated too much water, I had forty seconds left before my lungs failed and oxygen deprivation stopped my heart.
How much longer could I last?
My death would be a solitary event, consistent with the last three years of my life, minus the time I’d spent with Kai.
