Page 49 of Kai
“You’re capable of so much, Cece, if only you gave yourself a break.” When he stretched out his arms, he looked like a big, beautiful lion stirring from a long slumber. “At least now you know what’s in the mix, and also that you have choices.”
“You… um…” It was hard to shut me up, but somehow, he did it for, like, thirty seconds. “You’re not mad at me?”
“Mad? No.” He reached for his binoculars again, and, kneeling on the ground, peered over the rocks. “I’ve had some time to process this. You’ve had none. I trust my team and your sisters. You trust no one. I get why you feel you can’t rely onanyone but yourself.”
“Why is that?” I asked in that uppity tone I detested, even though I used it a lot.
“Your father.” It was all he said, all he needed to say.
He understood, but if I admitted this, I was going to break down and cry. Here, at the crest of this ridge, with the Pacific Ocean sprawled at my feet to witness my shame.
“Your father is gone,” Kai reminded me. “You’re free, Cece. To be yourself.”
Free. The word pealed in my head like a mighty bell.
“You get to choose,” he continued as he scoured the ocean. “I get to choose, too. You have a right to protect yourself, to sit this one out if that’s what you need. I’m disappointed, but I’m also relieved.”
I blinked several times.“Relieved?”
“A little, yes.”
“Why?”
He lowered the glasses, but kept his stare in the distance. A muscle flinched in his jaw before he muttered, “No risk, no danger.”
“What?”I drew back. “What danger?”
“Never mind.” He lifted the binoculars to his eyes. “If it’s a no-go, then it’s a no-go.”
Why did my insides sting as if I’d just swallowed a nest of hornets?
Pain brought out my temper. “You’re relieved because now you don’t have to fuck me.”
He pinned me with a stare and frowned. “What did you say?”
“You were just playing with me,” I said. “Connection. Attraction. Lust. All that shit.”
“No, but—”
“It’s fine,” I snapped, riding a rollercoaster of emotionsthat I didn’t understand. “You don’t find me fuckable after all.”
“You’re putting words in my mouth,” he groused. “I made my position clear back there before you shot the whole thing down. Whatever is going on inside your head, I don’t get it, but my body still agrees with your sisters’ suggestion. I’m attracted to you. Can you accept that?”
So it was true. Toes did curl inside sneakers when a special person reached out through the fog and gave CPR to one’s sick heart. He still wanted me. Lovable was a stretch, but maybe I was fuckable after all. The keen edge of my need vibrated at a high frequency. For a moment, I dared to dream of all that Kai and I could be.
Taking a deep breath, I swept my gaze over the wild beauty around me. The dramatic cliffs reached toward the sky. The cove’s bejeweled waters shimmered below. This place. It was just like me—wild, isolated, remote. Like my lighthouse, but even more inaccessible; like my soul, although perhaps less feral.
A bunch of random emotions clogged my throat. Fear. Sadness. Confusion. Unfulfilled desires and cravings I’d ignored for years. I craved human touch—no—I craved Kai’s touch, his kisses, his powerful arms propping me up when I was tired. Or weak.
Could I ever allow myself to be tired and weak in front of him?
It struck me that I needed Kai. I needed him like an island needs a bridge to be part of the world. For the first time since I could remember, I questioned my life’s priorities, my no-man, no-relationship rule, my inability to deviate from my path, and my rigid view of the world. And then, because those questions didn’t rock my foundations hard enough, I shocked myself with a different question.
Why not?
“Cece?” The urgency in Kai’s voice kicked me out of my head.
“Kai?”
