Page 57 of Kai
Shake it off, Marine. She’s off on her own down the steep trail. Move.
Springing into action, I gathered my gear and rushed to catch up with her. I handed her a headlamp, then turned on mine. I tried to make small talk, but she didn’t speak at all on the way down. She never met my eyes once.
Did she regret what had happened at the ridge? What was she thinking? Hell, what wasIthinking, feeling?
The old void opened inside of me and swallowed me up. The desolation crushing my chest made me question all the work I’d done to get here, my capabilities to overcome, my resolve to move forward. I was a Marine, for fuck’s sake, trained to fight for what I believed in, for what I wanted.
And yet, as we tackled the steep descent and the dirtcrunched beneath my feet, I had to wonder. With the memories so vivid in my head, did I have what it took to overcome my ghosts? Or would the shadows that haunted my mind steal my one chance to live and love again?
The old doubts mounted an all-out assault. What if I couldn’t protect Cece? What if she died? What if I failed her as I’d failed others before her?
Turns out I wasn’t ready, after all. I wasn’t even wise, and everything I’d learned had gone out the window. As today clearly showed, I was an impostor. The nickname Cece used to tease me didn’t fit me at all. I was no Obi-Kai Kenobi. Instead, I was just Kai fucked-up King.
Chapter Nineteen
Cece
The moment my feet hitSerenity’sdeck, I stomped to my berth and slammed the door behind me. After kicking off my shoes and ripping off my clothes, I got into the shower and scrubbed the dirt off me with a vengeance. Sunset at the ridge felt like a dream. And then…
What the hell had happened up there?
You lost your mind, that’s what happened. You gave in to him and lost yourself in his arms, forgetting your pride and sense of self.
I scrubbed my scalp until the shampoo’s suds dripped down from my head. This was too much. First, Kai and I had that improbable conversation about my sisters’ hunches and this odd connection, an attraction I felt even now. Somehow, the notion had gotten through my defenses and infiltrated my psyche. I guessed that when a scientist had visual hallucinations, believing in hunches and connections became a thing.
Second, I’d had to deal with the terror of watching those mercs come so close to finding us, followed by the jubilation I felt when they left. It’d been a terrifying rollercoaster. If all of that was not enough, the sunset had transformed the ridge into the most romantic place in the world.
Romantic. Shit.I wanted to smack something or someone. That thought summarized the extent of my delusions. I shoved my head under the shower and stared at the drain as it sucked in the suds in the same inescapable way Kai had pulled me into his orbit.
But Kai had looked so handsome in the golden light, soperfect as his aura merged with dusk’s timeless blues. He was so alluring to my senses. Put all of that together, and… disaster.
Okay, so the orgasms had been good. No, not good; amazing. I’d discovered a new kind of pleasure riding Kai’s fingers, one that I’d never felt before with a guy. This was my little secret. Kai had broken the streak. Good news?
Sure, but then he’d pushed me away.
In an instant, he’d gone from hot and passionate to cold and distant. When I offered him release, he’d grown so rigid I feared he might break. With a big, fat “no,” he’d rejected me. Perhaps I would’ve felt differently if he’d allowed me to return the favor?
But did he?
Nope.
Not even a fucking nibble.
I put all my anger into turning off the shower. He’d been smart when I’d been a fool, strong when I’d thrown out my convictions. He’d held on to his discipline and dignity and kept his dick in his pants. Oh, I knew his dick wanted me. I’d seen it jutting out of the lycra, felt it rubbing against me. But the damn man kept what I’d lost: self-control.
I trudged out of the shower and snatched a towel. Why did he kiss me like that? I rubbed the terrycloth over my skin until it stung. Why did he touch me all over and make me burn so hot that I went liquid inside?
So fine, he’d heard me this morning. But I had a perfectly capable hand. I wiggled my fingers before my face. Perhaps his fingers were bigger, better, and more capable. Okay,a lotmore capable. But I didn’t need him or his help to get off.
I couldn’t make sense of his actions. Of his reaction. One moment, he’d been all passion and desire. The next moment, he’d turned into an icicle. Had he faked his emotions? Did he do me out of pity or what? Did he see it as part of his job?
I couldn’t think of a worse insult. Humiliation burned my cheeks. Tonight, he had his self-esteem intact, whereas my self-esteem lay at my feet in tatters.
Like you ever had any self-esteem.
Shut up!
I couldn’t let it happen again. I’d gotten trapped in the wishful hope of his what-ifs. Reality hit too late. No matter how skillful he was or how wonderful I felt, I had to regain control of myself.
