Page 95 of Kai
“That’s when I realized the leash had wrapped around her neck.”
“Oh, God.” Cece’s horrified voice reached me from a great distance.
There had been no God for me that day, no miracle, no chance to right my wrongs. Only Malia’s empty gaze, the whispers of the bystanders, and the roar of the waves in my ears.
“They tried to revive her, but she was gone. Leash aroundthe neck. It’s the rarest kind of surfing accident.”
I opened my eyes and found Cece covering her mouth with her hand. Tears moistened her cheeks as she grappled for words. But I knew better. There were no words to be said.
She settled her hand on my knee. “I’m so very sorry.”
“It was a long time ago.” I exhaled a pained breath and rubbed the spot over my heart. “Sometimes, it feels as if it everything happened in another life. It’s like a nightmare that never ends. It haunts me with guilt and regret when I least expect it.”
“You did the best you could.”
“But did I?”
“You tried to save her, Kai.”
“But I didn’t.”
“It was an accident.”
“Was it?” I lifted a shoulder and let it drop. “What if she was so upset that she took her life?”
“She went to the ocean to surf, like she always did when she was upset. You said so yourself.”
“She didn’t heed the red flags.”
“Did she ever pay attention to them before?” Cece asked softly.
“No.”
“Did the coroner think she did it to herself?”
“No.”
“There you go. There are easier ways to die. She had an accident. It wasn’t your fault.”
“Let’s say that’s true.”
“Itistrue, and you almost drowned trying to save her life.”
“But I didn’t love her well.”
“You loved her as well as you could in that moment of your life.”
“It wasn’t enough, Cece. I felt so guilty about her death. The minute she asked, I should have married her. I should’ve been kinder to her, paid attention to her distress, and gone with her to the breakers that day. I’d promised her I would keep her safe, but did I? No, I didn’t.”
“But, Kai, you couldn’t have known—”
“I couldn’t forgive myself for failing to protect her. Her death hurt. So much. Here.” I slapped a hand on my bare chest. “Then there was the kid. We’d already decided to call her Leilani. She didn’t get to live at all.”
Cece shook her head, her eyes still wet. “That wasn’t your fault either.”
“But maybe if I had married Malia, if I hadn’t fought with her and sent her straight to the breakers, Leilani would’ve had a chance at life. Can’t you see?” I wiped the moisture from my eyes. “Two people I should’ve loved better died because I was too busy packing my bags to keep my promise.”
I strummed the trampoline’s cords between my knuckles, trying to contain the old sorrow. The small waves murmured beneath us, and the breeze seemed to whisper its condolences as it blew through the coconut trees.
