Page 98 of Kai
“Why?”
“Because people I love die. They go away.” He looked all around us before he fixed his eyes on me. “What if I can’t protect you? What if I fail you like I failed Malia and Leilani?”
“Kai…” My voice caught. “You didn’t fail them, and you’ve never failed me.”
“Not yet,” he said. “Keyword ‘yet.’ It’s early times. You’re right not to trust me.”
“But…” I grappled for words. “I do trust you!”
“You shouldn’t. Look what happened.”
It was such a shock to hear Kai, a human example of insight and balance, admit to his fears, to his weakness. It was painful too. I wanted to console him, and yet I didn’t know how. Astonishingly, I wanted to hear more from him, not just that he was afraid of losing me, but most importantly, why.
Could it be that he…? That I…?
I couldn’t even think the word. It was impossible, and yet hope fluttered in my chest as if my heart had turned into a fledgling and wanted to take flight.
“I told you before that I’m a work in progress,” he said. “That’s really who I am. A man living with the consequences of his actions. I’ve tried so hard to move forward.”
“But do you want to?”Perhaps with me?I didn’t ask.
“Of course I want to.” His throat bobbed, and I spotted droplets clinging to his eyelashes. “It’s just sometimes, the guilt, the doubts… They make me feel so… inadequate, so… breakable.”
The bravest person I’d ever known felt fear. Guilt. Helplessness. The same man who’d taught me about myself felt like I did sometimes—weak, vulnerable, fragile.
I took Kai in. He’d just had the courage to face his nightmares and come clean with me, whereas I’d hidden behind my anger for far too long. In my sorrow-turned-to-fury, I’d been teetering at the edge of an abyss that could swallow me at any moment. Perhaps now it was my turn to face my demons, help Kai through his sorrow, and meet him in the common space that made us both weak and strong.
“My mom died a long time ago,” I murmured hesitantly. “I don’t remember much, but I still feel the hole she left behind. Everything changed when she died, including my father. But… it’s different with Nix. I can’t come to terms with his death.”
Kai sighed. “It takes time.”
“And courage like yours,” I pointed out, now that I knew the extent of his losses. Kai wasn’t a cliché of wisdom and serenity. He was very human, and, like he’d admitted, a work in progress. Could I become a work in progress as well?
“I run from grief,” I confessed for the first time in my life. “I hide it behind my anger.”
“Who doesn’t run from grief?” He squeezed my hand. “Who doesn’t want to hide it from the world? Grief sucks. We all run from it.”
“But you recovered,” I pointed out.
“Recovered?”He let out a bitter chortle. “I thought perhaps there was such a thing as recovery, but you’ve made me realize that it’s the wrong word, the wrong expectation. I don’t think we ever recover from loss. Meeting you has taught me thatthe pain will never go away. Maybe instead of trying to ‘recover,’ we have to embrace the sorrow. It’s like riding a rift, you know? If you fight it, it will drag you away; it will drown you. If you go with it, eventually, you might swim out of it.”
“You’re talking surrender,” I said.
“Yeah. Surrender. Accept the pain and make peace with it, with ourselves.”
Fighting was my natural reaction to everything and everybody. I didn’t know how else to live my life, but sitting across from Kai above the cove’s tranquil waters, I realized I was tired of the fight, of denying myself joy and happiness, of being alone. Maybe he was right. Perhaps I needed to make peace with myself.
“It’s hard for me to let go.” I’d clung to the worst experiences in my life and allowed them to define me and my choices. “I’m stuck living in the past. Take Nix. I can’t let him go.”
“But do you have to let him go?” Kai ventured. “You may not see him anymore, but don’t you think he lives on in your heart and memories?”
“I don’t know what I think. It’s like I feel him alive. We were so close growing up.”
“I’ve heard stories from Thena and Missy.” Kai managed a small grin. “You and Nix were quite the handful.”
“The thing is…” The words got stuck in my throat. “He saved me.”
Kai tilted his head and raised his eyebrows. “When?”
