Page 22 of The Care of Broken Things
The sugar in the chocolate was suddenly cloying. “And you? Did you like him?”
Nathaniel was silent for a moment. Two.
“I didn’t like how he never quite took the blame for anything, or how many times he canceled office sessions at the last minute without real apologies. And I didn’t like the look he would get in his eyes sometimes. I thought he was greedy, selfish, and kind of an asshole. But Eli liked him, and he’d get upset when he thought I disapproved.”
And suddenly he understood. “You think it’s your fault he’s in here.”
Nathaniel didn’t say anything, neither to agree nor disagree. He let go of Samuel’s hand and put it around his coffee instead. Samuel pushed the rest of the Snickers into his mouth, though more to be rid of it than because he really wanted it. Absently, he licked at the melting chocolate on his fingers, his mind occupied. He found he believed Nathaniel, and not just because he couldn’t think of a reason the man would lie to him. He believed because Nathaniel was telling the truth. Eli was innocent, and a part of him had already known it.
“And you’re trying to get it out. You’ve started an appeal?”
Nathaniel wasn’t drinking his coffee. Just warming his hands on it. He still hadn’t lifted it to his mouth. “Our lawyerdoesn’t think it’ll work. Andrew covered his tracks too well, so we don’t have any evidence, though if I ever get my hands on him—” Nathaniel seemed to choke, and Samuel was nervous for a moment that he was going to cry, but that wasn’t it. Nathaniel raised his face and the rage in his eyes was far past tears. He’d seen Jenny look that way once, and then she’d ruined a man’s entire future.
“Nobody hurts my family.”
But this Andrew guyhadhurt his family, and Nathaniel knew it. Knew it well, if those dark circles were anything to go by.
“He’ll get out soon.” It was all Samuel could think of to say. He had no faith in the justice system. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t get any added time. It’ll be two years at most.”
Nathaniel shook his head. “To a child, two years is forever. I already can’t look Hailey in the face, and now her mother won’t let me bring her.”
“You mean here? To visit her father?”
Nathaniel picked at the lid on his cup. “I think a part of me is relieved Marie’s being so stubborn about it. She says a prison’s no place for an eleven-year-old, and I agree with her. But it’s not only that.”
“You don’t want her seeing her father as a prisoner.”
“That’s not—sheknowshe’s is innocent, but...I don’t know. When I first saw him come out in the orange with all the other prisoners, I felt like nothing would work. But Hailey believes. She thinks the appeal will go through. That any day now her father will return to her, and I just—I don’t want to take that away from her. And not just for her sake. I think I need someone to believe it. When I look at her, she seems so convinced, and sometimes it’s enough to convince me too, and then I can sleep a little, and it’s just—I want him home with me. I needhim to come home.”
They sat in silence for a while. Again, he didn’t know what to say. Nathaniel’s despair was reminding him of Jenny. Was this how she looked when she wasn’t in front of him? When she wasn’t trying so hard to pretend she was okay?
“Thank God, he has you. I don’t know what I’d do if he didn’t.”
Samuel began shredding a napkin over the wrappers and the mess on the table. Nathaniel’s words surprised him, but the smile waiting for him was even worse. There was trust in it. Trust that didn’t belong there. He sat up.
“Look, I don’t know where you got this idea about me. Maybe you just need to believe it, but I’m no hero. I’m a murderer. I’m in here for murder.”
Nathaniel looked surprised at that. So Eli hadn’t told him. He thought the man told him everything. Still, Nathaniel didn’t look particularly alarmed. “Why?”
Why? He almost laughed. Did people usually ask why? They were supposed to just run the other way.
“Did you do it to protect someone?”
He remembered the picture. The one Mr. Edwards had taken—had pushed into his face.You two look so much alike. “The reason doesn’t matter. I killed someone, and if I was forced to go back, I’d do it again. Prison hasn’t reformed me, so stop acting like I’m this knight in shining armor. You should be trying to keep me away from your husband, not encouraging me.”
“But you love him.”
Again, it was that nonsense. He almost stood and walked away, but something kept him in that seat. The man wasn’t that similar to his sister. They certainly looked nothing alike. And yet Samuel wanted to stay with him. Maybe, like Nathaniel, the person they both really wanted to see couldn’t be with them at that moment, and they each knew how that felt.
“Tell me what you’ve been reading,” Nathaniel said. He seemed to know Samuel was done with the topic. “I’m surprised they have anything decent for you in there. Or does your sister send you books? She was telling me about the care package company she uses and she’s helping me make a list for Eli. If there’s anything you need, I can try to include it since she says we can only send packages once a quarter.”
The napkin fluttered to the table. For once, he forgot to hide his surprise. “Don’t worry about me.”
Nathaniel snorted. “I have an anxiety disorder, of course I’m going to worry about you. Have you read any of the stoic philosophers? I thought Eli would benefit from them in here, and now I think you could too. Maybe if you give me a list of the authors you like, I can pin down your taste and have another go at minimizing all the books in my collection.”
Nathaniel seemed to draw life in from that kind of talk. Digging back into the pile, the man started in on his most industrious sandwich yet, and while he did, he told Samuel all kinds of things he didn’t want to know. Things about Eli and himself and their daughter Hailey, who was in the sixth grade, loved reptiles, and had recently picked up an interest in tree shaping. She had three little bonsai trees in her room and was always needling for more. “I can’t refuse her anything with Eli gone. Too much guilt. I fell apart after the sentencing. Couldn’t get out of bed. Couldn’t make myself eat. Hailey was the one who had to parent me. Making me get up, get dressed, go to work. And it’s a good thing too. I can’t afford not to work. Not now when they’ve frozen our joint account. All our savings gone just like that. The lawyer says they can’t seize the assets, not when Eli’s money also belongs to me, but who knows how long they’ll keep things frozen. I might have to extend the mortgage on the house. I’d feel like shit doing it. Another few years and it would have been paid off, but my salary isn't enough, and I won’t see tenure for a long time.” He gave Samuel a tired smile. “Don’t go into academia, Sam. Not if you want to support a family.”
Samuel didn’t say he’d be lucky to get a minimum wage job after prison. Recruiters weren’t exactly clambering to pick up ex-cons.
