Page 62 of Pyscho
My jaw ticks as I grind my teeth, trying to control my anger, but instantly regret it as the throbbing returns in my head, making me wince, and I take deep breaths.
“Jax? Are you okay?” she asks with panic, and I mutter, “Yeah, cupcake, just a headache.”
She’s quiet for a second, and I close my eyes as she whispers, “I blame myself,” and I hum, admitting, “I know. It’s why you’ve been absent, and I’m telling you, Ives, it wasn’t your fault. Misty was just crazy, crazier than you.”
“I’m not crazy,” she snaps, and I smirk because we both know she can be crazy. “And I don’t just mean with Misty, there’s a lot Jax and you don’t remember it, but I messed up big time.”
I open my eyes, and I ask, “Did you kill someone?”
She snorts, “No,” and I ask, “Did you purposely try to hurt me?”
She’s quiet again for a second and whispers, “No,” and I smile and reply, “Then it can’t be your fault.”
“I didn’t speak to you, Jax. I-I…” she stutters, and I read between the lines and finish, “You used New York to get me to fight for you…”
She sucks in a breath and questions, “You remember?”
I clear my throat, “I remember some bits, cupcake, but nothing is adding up right now.”
Ivy sniffles and I fucking hate it.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers.
“Don’t apologize, Ives, not when I don’t really know exactly what has happened. I know you won’t tell me because the doctors want me to remember on my own, but it’s fucking frustrating because nothing seems right, and I have a nagging feeling building deep inside me, like I’m missing something important, a life-changing event, and I can’t even question it,” I reply, closing my eyes again.
“So, about New York?” I ask, finally bringing it up. I don't want to question us just yet, especially knowing she won’t tell me, not while we’re in limbo with my memory.
I slept with her, I know I have. I just don’t want to rock the boat. She’s already skittish, and this is the first conversation we’ve had since I woke.
“You haven’t gone…” I state the obvious.
Ivy hums and admits, “I never wanted to leave Jax, I-I just, I didn’t know who I was outside of the club, but I realized I am the club, they’re my family, you are my family and I couldn’t bare living away from you. Honestly, I only said I wanted to go because-because I couldn’t keep watching you sleep with the club girls…” She’s quiet for a second before she finally relents and admits, “You’re my heart Jax, you always have been.”
Fuck.
“Ivy,” I whisper, “you should have told me…”
“I know,” she mumbles, “Believeme, I know, it’s something I have kicked myself over for a very long time, especially when a lot of stuff went down.”
Sniffles come through the line before she sobs, “I’ve missed you, Jax.”
Everything in me breaks, and bits of the puzzle begin to come into place, some of my questions getting answered with her words.
It’s obvious she wanted me to fight for her, I’m beginning to see that, but why isn’t she fighting for me now when I don’t have my memory?
Why isn’t she showing me how she feels by being here with me?
Chapter 24
Ivy
I swallow hard as I watch Hudson’s chest move up and down while his little arms move slightly.
He’s still on medication to keep him drowsy to keep his tube in, and I hate it, I absolutely hate it. God, I haven’t even held him...
I don’t know how much longer I can cope with this alone. I don’t even know if Hudson will survive. Doctor Clark still hasn’t been very encouraging regarding his survival rate.
My stomach tightens at the thought of losing my son–our son…Jax should be here.
