Page 64 of Pyscho
“Okay, Ivy, we need to put him back,” the nurse who handed me my son says, and my tears fall again.
It wasn’t enough time. “But Jessica didn’t get to hold him,” I whisper, and Jessica’s eyes soften as Pitbull squeezes my arm.
“You can hold him again tomorrow, sweetheart, and Jessica has all the time in the world when he’s discharged, I mean, who else will look after him while you’re working underneath cars?” Pitbull says, seeing my reaction, and the nurse adds, “If it helps, tomorrow she can hold him, giving you both a little more time.” Jessica nods, agreeing, “Same time tomorrow,” and I nod reluctantly before I gently place a kiss on my son’s head, and I lift the shirt so the nurse can take him.
I instantly feel cold and empty as she removes him from my chest and places him back in the incubator, and I shake my head, feeling lost yet again, and Pitbull quickly wraps his arm around my shoulders as my tears fall.
God, I’m so fed up with crying.
“The X-ray portable machine will be here in an hour,” the nurse confirms, giving me a small smile and I nod before she leaves.
“Why is he having an X-ray?” Jessica questions as she grabs a seat and sits beside Pitbull. I sniffle.
“The doctor believes his lungs have developed well and he wants to confirm it before making a plan to remove the tube,” I whisper, my eyes taking in my son, my body wanting him close again.
Jessica gasps as Pitbull sighs with relief, and I sob, “I need him, I need Jax, I can’t do this anymore…”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Jessica whispers as she grabs my hands, squeezing them as Pitbull cups my cheeks and says, “Don’t push him out because of fear of how he’d react with everything. He was never going to leave you that day, Ivy, he just needed a breather to figure out how to hash things out without you falling apart,” I sniffle and he wipes away my tears, “He knew you two needed to get everything out on the table to survive but he also knew if you cried he’d bottle it because your tears are his weakness and now he’s confused, he’s having flashbacks that don’t make sense to him.”
He sighs, and Jessica finishes, “He knows you two slept together,” and I swallow hard.
“But he doesn’t remember the pregnancy yet?” I confirm and she replies, “No, but I believe deep in my heart if you go to him, he’ll begin to remember,” her tears fall, “In his coma, only your name would make his heart rate pick up, only your name would get a reaction from him.”
I look down, trying my hardest not to fall apart.
“I’m scared,” I admit, “I know I am and so far, I’ve done nothing but allow my emotions take over, whether I was jealous, sad, pissed off or hurt, I allowed my immaturity to take over and caused so much pain. I didn’t communicate with him and tell him how I felt, and I pushed him away expecting him to read my mind, and I’m not trying to do that this time,” I look between them, “I’m trying to be logical,I’m trying not to hurt him…”
“You’re fighting for him?” Pitbull confirms, and I sniffle but nod as I wipe away the tears.
“I am by allowing him to heal,” I admit, and he nods in understanding but states, “But you’re not allowing him to heal with you, sweetheart, which is what he needs.” He looks at Hudson, then back at me, “Think about it….” before he stands, presses a kiss on my head, and walks out.
“Ivy,” Jessica whispers, and I look her way. Her eyes soften as she says, “You’re punishing yourself for what an emotional young adult decided to do. You’ve grown up with Jax and believed he only saw you as a best friend and sister. You didn’t see the feelings he was showing because you didn’t want to believe it but now, you have him, Ivy. He is yours like he always has been and I know you’re scared about his reaction to everything, I know you’re scared of hurting him but he needs you like you need him.”
She stands and kisses my head before looking at her grandson, excitement showing in her eyes for tomorrow then she turns and walks out without another word, and I swallow hard, not knowing how to take their truths. I hear what they’re saying. I read between the lines.
He also didn’t fight for me when he thought I was leaving. He fought for my independence, not for us.
We’re both to blame, we both didn’t communicate.
But how do I turn his world upside down and explain that we have a son who still isn’t out of the woods?
How do I explain that I lost his trust by not telling him about Mama and her lies? That I believed her because I was jaded toward the brothers?
How do I show him that I do love him and trust him? That I was just scared?
“I love you with my whole fucking being, I have for a very long time, probably way before I should have.”
I chew my bottom lip, his words flittering through me, the day we made our son, and I already know my answer. I knew it the day I woke up after he took me from that wedding farce.
His parents are right, maybe it’s time I fight for him.
I swallow hard, grab my phone, and bring up the group chat with Raya, Lake, and Skylar.
Me:
I need a favor xxx.
I look at the message, hover over it for a moment, and then press send before I can stop myself. Hoping everything will turn out okay and that I don’t lose him….
