Page 3 of Roads Behind Us
Getting bodychecked by a bull hadn’t made things any easier. That day, my mind had been fixed on the complicated logistics and details of starting a sustainable cattle farm and luxury rental-cabin business, but as soon as the bull charged and my ass hit dirt, my mortality smacked me in the face. The realization that if the bull had been any meaner, Athena might be without a mother, a brother, and a dad, had struck me like lightning.
My head had been in the clouds ever since, my thoughts on a constant loop, worrying about Athena’s future, the stability of my brand-new businesses, and oddly, the fact that I hadn’t painted my house in years and now it looked like one of those shacks you see in documentaries about the fall of a former metropolis.
I’d be forever grateful for my family’s help, but being the oldest of four siblings meant I needed to get on with life, get my shit back together, and get to work. No rest for the wicked.
“You okay, Daddy? Does your leg hurt?” Athena asked, worried because she realized she’d reminded me of all we’d lost.
She dropped her backpack on the kitchen table and came to slip her arm beneath mine, and she hugged me gently. She knew not to pull on me ’cause, since I had to rely on the crutches, my balance had pretty much gone out the window.
“It’s not too bad this mornin’,” I said. “I’m good. Promise.” I wanted to caress her hair, but I didn’t want to mess up her braids, and if I let go of the crutches, I’d fall on my ass.
“Okay.” She turned her head, tucked it against my chest for a second, and took a deep breath. I breathed her in too. Nothing could comfort me like the smell of my daughter’s shampoo. “Oh, don’t forget, Shaylene’s mama’s pickin’ us up after school today. We’re goin’ to the U-pick place to do the hayride thing and get apples.”
Squeezing my baby the best I could while still holding onto the crutches, I nodded over my shoulder, at the sixty bucks sticking out of my pocket. “Take the money. Get me some apple donuts and half a bushel of Granny Smiths, and we’ll beg Auntie Aubrey to bake us a pie.” I winked down at her, and Athena wiggled her eyebrows conspiratorially and nodded.
She reached up on her toes to kiss my unshaven cheek and snagged the twenties. “Deal. Have a good day, Daddy, but you might wanna do somethin’ about this scruff.” She patted my cheek, stepped back and dipped her head, then speared me with a judgmental look. “Love you,” she said, and she smiled and dashed from the kitchen, off on another road trip, this time to school.
Man, how had I lucked out with this kid? She was smart, resourceful, and funny. She struggled with losing her mama just like I did, but she was tougher than me by a mile.
“Love you, Athena! See you tonight,” I called after her as the kitchen door slammed closed behind her. I heard the truck door slam shut, too, when she jumped in my sister’s county cruiser outside, and they honked when they took off.
As they drove away down the dirt lane leading from my house and past Spitfire Ranch and the future Lee Valley cabins, I listened as a dead quiet settled in around me.
I was still so pissed at myself for letting that damn animal get the better of me. Now, not only could I not help my best friend, Rye, work our ranch and tend to our new stock, I also couldn’t help my brother finish the cabins he’d agreed to build for our new business. I couldn’t do shit. Couldn’t drive. Couldn’t work. Couldn’t take a goddamn shower. I would have to sit and stew in three inches of bath water with my leg sticking up over the edge of the tub so I didn’t get the cast wet. It would be better than the sponge baths I’d had to give myself the first week, but I already knew it was going to be the biggest pain in my ass.
Before that overly aggressive animal had pinned me between the barn and the fence gate and then kicked at it with his hind legs like he had been trying to launch himself to the moon, I could stay busy. I’d gotten really good at distracting myself with work or Athena or anything in between to occupy my mind so I didn’t think about shit I didn’t want to think about.
But now, thinking was all I did. I’d even started dreaming again about Candy and the baby I never got to meet.
In my dreams, they were both alive and vibrant and whole. There was no deadly blood clot lurking beneath the shadows, catching me unawares to knock me numb when it lodged in her brain and killed the only woman I’d ever loved and my son, who, if he’d been born, would’ve been named Baxton Brennen Lee II. Duo for short.
In my head, I could see him so clearly. He had brown hair like mine, kind of wavy but not curly. He’d love four wheeling with his old man and his big sister, and his eyes would be the same light blue as mine. He’d call me Pops or something similar that would make me feel twenty years older than the thirty-eight I’d lived so far.
But I’d love hearing it every time.
The pain in my chest every time the realization washed over me that I’d never know the sound of my son’s voice leveled me. The wall around my heart cracked enough to let the pain slither in, and I staggered back, forgetting the cast on my leg, and fell into a chair at my kitchen table.
Losing him was different than the loss I felt for Candy because she had been a real-life person. Her kind smile and the tender lilt to her voice when she read bedtime stories to Athena had been branded onto my memories. And the belief and faith she’d had in me after my dad died and left me in charge of our family’s sheep farm was probably the reason it had taken me so long to let it go and focus on a new dream, one that could actually make a profit.
The baby was different because he’d gotten stuck in my head as an abstract idea. I’d never held him. Never heard the sound of his coos or hiccups. Never got to feel his heart beating inside his little body as I rocked him to sleep.
I’d long ago stopped crying. What good did that do besides make Athena worry about me? But it hurt, and I always had to take a few minutes to breathe and find gratitude for all the good things I still had in my life.
Athena. My family. My friends. Sunrises. Sunsets. Laughter. Athena’s laugh. Her smile. Her spirit. It’s crazy how different she is than her mama. Candy would’ve loved who our little girl’s turning out to?—
My phone rang on the table in front of me—thank God—and I breathed a sigh of relief when I grabbed it and saw my brother’s name on the screen.
“What’s up, little bro?” I said, trying not to let him hear the croak in my voice or the sound of me trying to clear it from my throat. “You make it out of Jackson yet?”
“Yeah, just turned onto Highway 26. Only six more hours to go till I get back to Sheridan. I talked to Sweetie. She’ll be on her way to you in a few hours. She got off to a late start today, but she’ll be there tonight. I’m not sure exactly what time. She’s already complainin’ about the drive, so just beware.”
“Beware?” I laughed, remembering vaguely the night I’d met Sweetie up at my brother’s place in Sheridan, and how feisty she could be. I also remembered her green eyes. And I remembered getting rip-roaring drunk when those eyes and the way they’d stared into mine made me realize I was attracted to a woman who wasn’t my wife. “You’re warnin’ me about the person you’ve sent to live here with me and your innocent, defenseless niece? What exactly should I be wary of?”
“Please,” Brand said. “Athena’s anything but defenseless, and Sweetie’s harmless. She’s just a little stressed about the job. I’ve put a lot of pressure on her, and she can be a bit… intense.”
“Okay.”
Whatever. With this godforsaken broken leg, it wasn’t like I could finish all the work Brand had started but couldn’t finish because he’d been called back to Sheridan for some kind of legal hogwash. But I guess that was what happened when you became a big, successful contractor like my little brother had.
