Page 24 of Praise Me: Lumberjack
“And now you’re going to unlearn that shit, baby.”
I shake my head stubbornly. “Not at the cost of your happiness.”
He seems to be imploring the heavens for calm. “Jenna, I have been many things throughout my life, but foolish was never one of them. That’s what I would have to be to let you go.” He picks me up in his arms, and I cling because my heart demands I do so, locking my legs around his hips and nuzzling his now-familiar neck. “I could come to Los Angeles. I could be the brick wall that keeps any bullshit from touching you. I could take you home every night. Share that home. Take care of you, the way you deserve.”
“I can take care of myself,” I murmur faintly.
“I know you can. Look how far you’ve gotten on your own. You’re a marvel.” He bundles me closer. “But even a marvel, especially my marvel, needs to come home and let her man do the soothing. Are you going to give me that responsibility, Jenna?”
“I…don’t know.”
Without looking at his face, I know his temple is ticking. “Do youwantto?”
“If I say yes, you’ll feel obligated to rearrange your whole life,” I hiccup into his neck. “I’ll feel guilty every single day, wondering if you regret doing it.”
“God almighty, Jenna, you blow my mind. It’s like you have no idea what a fucking treasure you are.” He shakes me, kisses me hard on the temple. “You are a treasure. You think moving to Los Angeles is a steep price to pay for a woman like you? I’d fight endless wars on the front lines for a chance to love you forever. I’d climb a million miles of barbed wire fences to watch the sunrise with you in my bed again. I’ve won, just by knowing you. Ask me to come to LA and be part of your life.” He pauses for a deep breath. “But I need you to ask me, because I…”
“What?” I sniff.
“Hell, baby, I’ll never be worthy of you. I’ll never be as good-looking as one of your co-stars. I’m older and beat up—”
“No, you’re not! You’re powerful and sexy andreal.”
He’s shaking his head—and nowI’mpanicking. “When you were sitting on my lap in that makeup chair, you saw the differences in us. So did everyone else. You’re worried about me regrettingyou?” A humorless laugh puffs from his mouth. “It would be just the opposite. Ask me to come to LA, Jenna. Save me from feeling like the chainsaw-wielding beast kidnapping the stranded beauty. Ask me and I’ll come. Iwantto. I’m just…fuck. I’m losing confidence that you want me there.”
No.
I’m stuck.
I’ve trapped myself in a corner.
In trying to set Penn free, I’ve caused him to second guess how I feel about him. Which is the absolute last thing I want. I don’t want to leave him doubting that every second of our time together was authentic. This bond is the realest thing I’ve ever experienced. MaybeI’mthe one lacking in confidence that I can make him happy enough to love LA. Maybe if we’d just had a few more days together, I’d be selfish enough in our love to move mountains for a shot with him. Maybe maybe maybe.
My chest weighs a thousand pounds when I reach up and stroke the sides of his face. “You saved me so many times over the past couple of days. You’ve demanded respect for me and shown me what true selflessness looks like. But I’m going to go.” That last word emerges on a sob. “I’ll think of you constantly. I’ll miss you like I’m dying. But I have to go.” I go up on my toes and kiss his mouth hard. “Goodbye, Penn Holland.”
Penn is still as a statue, staring down at the ground with a clenched jaw, when I turn and run back to set, tears streaming down my face and a horrible churn in my gut telling me I’ve just made a horrible, irreversible mistake.
CHAPTER 11
Penn
I’m destroyed.
The last two weeks have been a pitch-black hole and I’ve been operating blindly, trying to be a father, trying to do my job, trying to remember how to get up, function and breathe without the possibility of Jenna walking back through my door.
She’s gone.
She blew in here, rearranged the geography of my heart, my soul, and left me bleeding out on the floor. Nothing looks the same. Nothing feels the same, now that I’ve felt her breath on my skin. Now that I’ve been the object of her trust. She let me into her world and now, I’m locked out in the fucking cold. I was a fool to think our relationship would end any other way.
She’s a nineteen-year-old bombshell on her way to meteoric fame.
Did I really think she’d saddle herself with a scarred vet on a humble salary?
That was never going to happen. Not in reality.
I need to be grateful for the small amount of time I was allowed to exist in her orbit. I need to count my blessings that I’ve had a woman like that look up at me in the dark and whimper for me to kiss her, to stop her world from spinning too fast. To anchor her, even if it was just for a little while. Even if it was only temporary.
I don’t realize I’m staring into space until Erin shrieks my name from the living room.
