Page 112 of Barefoot Dreams
Griffin struggled with something far worse than math. Something I caught glimpses of as we were growing up but couldn’t fully understand in my young age, but as I flip page after page, reading entry after entry, it all becomes clear as a day.
And the farther it went, the worse it got.
But it’s not until diary number three that he opens up a bit more.
Not Dear Diary,
So, my first day back at school went as it was expected.
Yes, I got into a fight. Yes, I got sent to the office for it. Yes, Mom and Dad were not happy with me and forced me to meditate for an hour before I could go up to my room. They always say I need to let my aggression go.
But how the heck do I do that? When I don’t even understand what is it, I am angry at?
I just am.
ALL THE TIME! Just like I was in fifth, sixth, and seventh grades. Now, I’m in my last year of middle school and nothing has changed.
It actually keeps getting worse the closer we get to high school. On the inside, it feels like I’m going to die. Cal and Luke have been obsessing over girls lately or cars or where we all should leave to as soon as we can.
I should want all that too, shouldn’t I?
But nothing feels right, it never has.
I should want to leave this crazy town and my crazy parents. I should care about what car I’m gonna get when I turn sixteen. At the very least I should be looking at girls.
But I’m not. Well…I don’t look atthosegirls.
They all seem so superficial and…well, boring! They all dress the same, look the same and think the same.
Ugh…that’s how it should be, no? That’s how the normal world works but I don’t understand it and it makes me angry. But WHY it makes me angry, I don’t understand either.
The only time I don’t feel like my head is about to explode is when Julie is around. Any time she’s there, everything feels easy and right. I don’t feel this insane need to be someone I still haven’t figured out.
She laughs at my dumb jokes and always smiles when I’m around.
I’m not stupid, I know she’s not smiling because of me, but her smile…it helps.
But Cal has been giving me a weird look anytime I asked if his little sister could come play with us, so I haven’t asked lately and that’s yet another reason for my anger and confusion.
You’d think something would change this year? But no! Same old bullshit.
Why can I be like Luke or Callum? Why can’t I be normal?
I’m off to sleep.
Let’s see if I manage to not get into a fight again tomorrow.
G.O.
***
Not Dear Diary,
Before you go blaming me for being a dumbass…I got into a fight for a good reason today.
I mean it!
That little idiot, Owen, was calling Julie names again and I told him what’d happen if he did. I warned him, didn’t I? Secretly, I hoped he would slip in front of me because my knuckles were itching to smash into his stupid face, and he finally did.
