Page 65 of Barefoot Dreams
Dear Diary,
I was a fool all these years.
He doesn’t see me…he really doesn’t. I’m just his best friend’s little sister. Worse…I think I might just be a nobody.
It’s time I put those stupid feelings away. Wait, no, they are not stupid. The feelings are beautiful!
Griffin is the stupid one. Wait, no, Griffin is not stupid either.
Is this dark, thundering feeling in my chest something people call hate? Hurt? I’ve never felt it before, didn’t think it waspossible and never expected to taint my soul with it, but I think…I think…this is it.
I’ve convinced myself that I’m simply too young for him. That maybe he still saw me as his best friend’s little sister and so I’d have to wait a little longer for him to see me as a girl…but that’s not the case. He will never see me as someone he wants to kiss like he kisses Kimmy.
He’ll never want me in his life the way I want him in mine.
He’ll never want to feel how my red hair feels between his fingers because it’s wild and screaming and he’s into blondes. One blonde…
I’ve never wanted to rip my own hair off my head. I never hated that beautiful, vibrant color as much as I do now. I never felt like burning every skirt and dress I owned. I never wanted to be someone I’m not and I think I might hate that feeling most of all.
Why did he have to do this to me?
Why did he have to be just like everyone else?
…
Julie Birdy Lovinski
What had I done…? What in the fuck had I done to that beautiful soul back then?
My hands shake, the diary nearly falling from my grasp. My throat is dry as sandpaper and my heart…fuck…it’s crumbling all over again. But this time might be the final.
There might not be any way to save it because there’s no way she’ll trust me with her heart again.
I don’t remember that day. I wish I did, but I don’t. Most of the days I spent with my then girlfriend, Kimmy, were like that. Unmemorable. Just passing by.
But does it matter? Does it matter if I know what happened when the hurt she felt is bleeding through each letter in her diary all these years later?
The ringing from my phone sounds distant like it’s happening at another time, but my fingers must answer the call on autopilot because Luke’s voice fills the space around me.
“Just me here, you know, yourboss. Wondering if your highness is planning to grace us with his presence sometime during your fucking shift today?”
“I’m a chickenshit,” I blurt out, not sure if to Luke or myself. But I finally admit it. Unfortunately, years too late.
A long beat of silence. Then a curse. And some shuffling.
“I’ll be right there.”
I think I tell him not to bother but there’s a knock at my door sometime later. Which I don’t answer. Another one follows and another until there a loud bang and “What the fuck is going…” Luke trails off as soon as he barges in, his eyes falling on the mess around me. “Griffin, tell me that’s not what I think it is and that you haven’t read it.”
“It’s not what you think it is, and I haven’t read it,” I parrot, my tone blank.
“Fuck,” he curses quietly and crouches next to me and dials someone on his phone. “I can’t deal with this alone,” he tells whoever it is on the other side. “Just get to Griffin’s place right the fuck now. I don’t care that you’re in the middle of tattooing someone. This is life or death. Yes, that bad. And grab that duckling with you. Of course, I’m talking about Jacob, who else?”
Not five minutes later, Alec and Jacob burst through my broken front door.
The former gasps in surprise while the latter says, “Is that…are those…tell me you didn’t read those and I don’t have to kill you?”
“He didn’t read them, and you don’t have to kill him,” Luke answers for me, and Jacob curses under his breath.
