Page 50 of The Therapist
I know that this is an important question because it’s the question we try to encourage our patients to ask of themselves when they are engaging in destructive behaviour. What’s the payoff? What are you getting from binge-eating or gaming or dating emotionally unavailable men? Human beings are not that complicated and even terrible, damaging addictions have some sort of payoff, regardless of whether a person is able to acknowledge and understand it or not.
‘I don’t know. Maybe they get off on the idea that a stranger is thinking about them and worrying? But what if the police have it wrong and Sandy is actually in danger?’
‘Maybe call them again, explain about the message.’
‘I can’t. Detective Franks seems to believe that I’m overly invested in Sandy and specifically warned me off. And Franks says that Sandy is actually bothered by my behaviour but I can’t just ignore the message either.’
Ben says nothing for a bit . ‘You’re not thinking of going over there again, Lana, are you?’
I realise that this is exactly what I am thinking about. If I go over there and tell Mike I’m willing to listen to him, maybe I can figure out what’s real and what’s not.
‘Lana,’ says Ben, ‘tell me what you’re thinking.’
‘The police think I’m the problem, Ben, and it may be that this is all some sort of game, but what if it’s not? What are my options here?’
Ben sighs. ‘Okay, listen. If you’re going to go over there, I’ll come with you, okay? We need there to be two people to make sure that whatever he tells us, we can corroborate it. And you need to…bring that gun in case he really has done something.’
I don’t know what to say to that. Having the gun has made me feel safer. I couldn’t physically stop Mike any other way. But it feels like a scary escalation to bring it when I go over to Mike and Sandy’s house, as though I am inviting more violence into the situation than necessary.
‘Do you really think we need it?’
‘We’re just going to talk and hopefully it’ll all get cleared up.’
The gun is only a prop and he’s offering to come with me. It will be different to last time, when I found myself in the house alone with Mike.
‘Okay, okay good, so when do we go over there?’
‘I mean…tonight if you can get someone to watch Iggy.’
Lana, help me. He’s going to kill me.Sandy’s message was clear but was it all for show or is she really in danger?
I can’t go rushing over to that house again. I feel pulled in different directions with each passing moment. This is real and a woman could get hurt. This is a game and these two people are looking for an audience. This is just a misunderstanding and the message was a mistake.
Whatever this is, I need to consider that I am a mother with a child and I can’t make any stupid decisions.
I need to take a step back from this, do some proper research on Sandy and Mike, consult some of my case studies, see if I can find anything on the internet like this.
‘No, not tonight,’ I tell him, ‘tomorrow night, Wednesday night. Iggy sleeps over at Oliver’s on Wednesday night.’
Ben breathes down the line. ‘Okay. Whatever works for you.’
I feel a rush of guilt all over again.But I tried to help. I called the police and they think I’m the problem.‘I know we’re both worried now but I feel like I need to look into this a bit more.’
‘Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow at work, I hope.’
‘I hope so too,’ I reply. ‘Get some sleep.’ I’m not rushing into this again. I’m going to take some time, google something like this and see if anything pops up and, that way, I will be ready for what happens tomorrow.
I end the call and go downstairs to have dinner with Iggy. I sit and listen to him read after dinner, feeling a warm glow of pride at how well he’s doing.
Once he’s in bed and I’m back in my room, I grab my laptop and scroll through different cases that I have studied, trying to find something similar to what I believe is happening here. But there’s nothing that is even close to what I think this is. And then I google ‘Couple gaslight therapist’ and only find endless articles and posts from people complaining that their therapists are gaslighting them. I do find some information about clusterB antisocial personalities like narcissists, who may lead the therapist where they want them to go.
I don’t know if I would call Mike a narcissist but it’s probable that Sandy is. I have been picking up something strange about her in every session. Is Mike being used by Sandy?
The theories circle in my brain until the alarm I have on my phone buzzes. I have it set for eleven every night or I don’t get enough sleep.
Exhausted, I close down my computer and look at my phone. I try Sandy again, just in case she answers, in case she is fine, in case this is all over and I simply don’t know it.
But, once again, I am told the mailbox is full. I sink into sleep more confused than ever. Is Sandy missing? Framing me? Framing her husband? Playing a game?
