Page 37 of Realms of Swords and Storms
I couldn't finish the thought. The idea was too painful to voice.
Tarshi's forehead touched mine, his breath warm against my lips. "You won't lose me," he promised. "Never. Things are just... difficult right now. Dangerous. I've been trying to protect you."
"I don't need protection," I reminded him. "I need you. All of you, not just the parts you think are safe to share."
He closed his eyes briefly, and I sensed an internal struggle within him. When he looked at me again, there was a new resolve in his gaze. "You're right. I have been keeping things from you. But not because I don't trust you or because my feelings have changed."
His thumbs brushed over my cheekbones, a tender gesture that made my heart ache. "The resistance is gaining momentum, Liv. Real momentum. But with that comes greater risk. If the wrong people discovered our involvement..."
I understood then. He hadn't been pulling away from me; he'd been trying to shield me from the consequences of his actions. "You thought if you kept me in the dark, I'd be safer if you were caught."
He nodded. "Plausible deniability. But I see now that was a mistake. I'm hurting you more by shutting you out."
"Yes, you are," I agreed, but there was no anger in my voice now, only relief at finally understanding. "We face our dangers together, Tarshi. Always have."
"Always will," he promised.
Something in me uncoiled then, a tension I hadn't fully recognized until it released. I leaned into him, my hands finding their way to his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart beneath my palm. "I've missed you," I whispered.
His arms encircled me, pulling me against him. "I've been right here," he said softly. "I'm sorry I made you doubt that."
We stayed that way for a long moment, reconnecting in the silence. With Tarshi, I didn't need words to feel understood, to feel whole. It had always been that way between us, even before we became lovers—a recognition of souls that transcended ordinary communication.
Eventually, I pulled back slightly to look up at him. "So what now? Do you tell me everything, or do we find a middle ground?"
Tarshi tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, his touch lingering against my skin. "Some things are still dangerous for you to know. Not because I don't trust you, but because knowledge itself can be a liability. But I promise no more unnecessary secrets between us."
I nodded, accepting this compromise. "And Septimus? Is he alright? He's been even more distant than you."
A shadow crossed Tarshi's face, something I couldn't quite interpret. "Septimus is... handling things in his own way. He cares for you deeply, Liv. Never doubt that."
There was something he wasn't saying, but I decided not to press. One revelation at a time was enough. "And what about Jalend?" I asked instead. "What do I do about him?"
Tarshi's expression darkened slightly at the mention of Jalend's name. "What do you want to do?"
It was a fair question, but one I had no answer for. "I don't know," I admitted. "Part of me wants to see where it could go, but I know that's impossible. He's nobility, Tarshi. Even if I wasn't... what I am... even if I wasn't with you... his family would never permit anything real between us."
"And if they would?" Tarshi asked quietly. "If there were no barriers of class or station, would you choose him?"
The vulnerability in his question caught me off guard. I reached up to touch his face, making sure he met my eyes as I answered. "No. I would still choose you. I will always choose you."
The tension in his features eased, and he turned his head to press a kiss into my palm. "Then tell him that. Not about us, perhaps, but that your heart is elsewhere. Make it clear there's no future there."
I nodded, knowing he was right but dreading the conversation nonetheless. "I will."
Tarshi's arms tightened around me, and I leaned into his strength, letting myself be held. The problems remained—my mission, my conflicted feelings about Jalend, the secrets still between me and Tarshi—but for the first time in weeks, I didn't feel like I was facing them entirely alone.
"One day," he promised, his voice a low rumble against my ear, "when we've built the world we're fighting for, I'll be able to claim you openly. Without fear, without hiding. It's why I fight so hard, Liv. For a future where we can all be truly free."
I wanted to believe in that future. It seemed so distant, so impossible, and yet Tarshi spoke of it with such conviction that I couldn't help but feel a flicker of hope.
"Stay with me tonight," I whispered. "I don't care if it's dangerous. I don't care if someone sees you leaving in the morning. I need you here."
He hesitated only briefly before nodding. "I'll stay."
We lay down together on my narrow bed, our bodies fitting together with the familiar ease of long practice. His arm draped over my waist, pulling me back against his chest, his warmth enveloping me like a shield against the world.
"What about Arilius?" I asked quietly, the darkness of the room making it easier to voice my deepest fear. "The nightmares. The guilt. Will that ever go away?"
