Page 104 of In You
Her eyes go back to mine, red-rimmed with hurt and confusion, yet, she stays silent, offering me no hope.
Not like how she usually does. It makes my panic turn to straight dread.
"Camilla. Give me the gun,"I plead in a hard voice, feeling my entire body straining with tension and heartbreak. Warmth crawls up my spine, suffocating me as she shakes her head again and then leans down, pressing her lips to Tris' head.
"No," I whisper, my fingers trembling, my nostrils flare as I inhale sharply. "No, baby."
Tamryn lingers, nuzzling into our baby, her body swaying gently. She looks up from Tris’ head and gives me a smile, and I close my eyes briefly as I see a small piece of dog food nestled in Tris’ blanket. My heart sinks into my stomach and I begin to cry.
"I got her ready for you, daddy."
I freeze at the sound of Darling's voice, looking down for the first time, seeing I’m kneeling in small pieces of dog food. That crunching noise hadn’t been glass I heard. And my heart sinks further, because I know without even looking, what’s happened. I rock on the balls of my feet as my palms sweat and my heart breaks clean in half as every emotion imaginable rises to fill it to the point it can't help but split right down the middle just like how it used to be…except this time it's about a million times more painful.
It's my turn for my face to break now.
Leaning my forehead to Tris's baby blanket, I swallow hard against the bile in my throat, losing precious few seconds where she may or may not pull the trigger. Seconds I need to figure out what my next move is.
Looking back up, I blink the tears away. “I forgive you,” I say hoarsely, my heart shattering at the small, childlike innocent smile on her face as she continues to rock. “I forgive you, Darling, and I love you more than anything in the entire world.”
“For what, daddy?” Her brows pinch together, and then she slowly turns her face to look into the barrel of the gun. All the color drains from her complexion, leaving a washed out gray where beautiful tan usually resides.
She makes a fearful sound, and she suddenly moves, putting the gun down and thrusting Tris at me at an alarmingly fast rate that has me snatching her up in my arms.
Saying a quick prayer of thanks I grab the gun with my other hand, and see a weird look cross her face.
“Oh!” she says, putting her hands over her mouth. “Daddy, please don’t! Don’t hurt her, she didn't do anything to you!”
I look down at the gun in my hand and then hurriedly tuck it in the waistband of my jeans.
“Oh no, Darling," I say with a nervous huff, clearing my throat. "I’m not going to hurt her. I’m going to go give her a bath and then be right back. Go play with your dolls, okay?”
She nods, taking a deep breath and climbing to her feet. "Is Calvin coming to pick her up to take her to her new daddy today?" she asks, making a muscle tick in my jaw.
"No, Darling, not today. Now go on. Be a good girl and do as daddy says." I nod at the little doll set up in the corner of the room she insisted on putting up for Tris even though she's just a baby, and the minute she turns to go to it, my arm shoots out and I hit her over the temple with the butt of my gun.
She whimpers, collapsing and hitting the floor with a hard thump.
I rise to my feet, stepping away and putting Tris in her crib and then pick Tamryn up off the floor. Defeated, I carry her into our bedroom where I tie both her wrists to the bed and then go back to our baby, bathing her and getting her clean.
Thankfully I didn't find any more dog food.
I rock her, feeding her a bottle and think through what I consider to be a crisis of faith until she's asleep, and when I make my decision, I put her in her crib and then go outside, not stopping until I'm on the other side of my jeep hidden from the front of the house.
Though I don't know why. She can't see me because she's tied up.
I sink to my knees outside to the gravel, and lower my head into my hands and sob. Lightening flashes in the distance, overcrowding the small amount of sun we'd had, and the first drops of rain splatter against the tiny stone and soak my hair and shoulders.
"Oh, God!" I cry out, groaning as feel myself fighting against going into denial."Why?!"
As much as I wanted to save her from this, I can't. And it kills me.
I have to let what I want go.
My fingers clench around the pea gravel as I dig a small crater out and then stare blankly as the rain fills it. Remembering the first kiss we shared almost in the very spot I'm kneeling. That feeling of abandon and wonder I'd had. I have no clue how long I stay like this, out here on my knees being drenched by the downpour soaking my clothes, matting my hair to my head and washing away the earth, making it brand new again.
I wish it could cleanse my heart, but I fear the rain could pound down on me for the rest of my life and I won't be absolved.
I tilt my head to the sky, my eyes staring up into the gray clouds. Water hitting my face as I make my peace with the fact that I'm not going to be able to have it all. That's never been my lot in life, but God,I tried so hard to make it work.
