Page 53 of In You
And I never want to leave.
20
Can't We Try?
Caleb
“Whydon’tyouwant to make love to me?” she says, flinching a little when I snap my head up too fast to look at her. "You haven't tried since I've been here."
The term "making love" honestly takes me by surprise. I swallow and then put down my fork, leaning back in my chair and spreading my knees. “Tamryn-“
“It’sCamilla.”
My eyes narrow slightly as I look away, realizing I’m dealing with the severely victimized part of her split personality. I wonder how much of Tamryn is left in there because it doesn’t seem she comes out very much. “Camilla,” I say, my voice calm. “I want to make love to you,very much.But I don’t want to break you.”
I don't want to break myself, either,I think.
It's dinnertime, a couple hours after us kissing out in the rain. When we came inside we dressed in dry clothes and then cuddled on the couch. I played with her curls while she shared with me a little bit about why Tink means so much to her. She loves dogs.
So of course it came as no surprise that that monster took one from her. Just like he tried to take everything else.
But I think after last night, and today, she realizes he hadn't stolen quite everything from her like he'd probably hoped to. She wants me as bad as I desire her, I'm willing to bet. And now I have to have a hard talk with myself to see if I'm even able to give this woman what she deserves from a man.
I thought I'd have some time before we had this talk, but she beat me to it.
Her chin tilts up a little, making me proud. “I’m strong.”
I soften. “I don’t mean your body. I meant yourmind, sweetheart.”
“The Captor used to fuck me every day.”
I roam her face tightly trying to see any hint of her being uncomfortable, but all I see is sadness. “Do you miss it?”
“Sex?” Something poses over her face, and I narrow my eyes as her brows pinch together and she goes silent for a few seconds. “Yes,” she says in a final tone. "I do. I suppose, really, that what I actually miss is sex that doesn'thurt."
A pang of pity sinks its grips into me, because I completely get what she's saying. It might not affect me the same way it does her, but sex hurts for me too.
“Camilla," I say quietly, clearing my throat. "I have a hard time with sex, sweetie. Because of…" I trail off, averting my gaze.
"Because of the abuse from your mom?" she asks, her expression as wide open as her eyes.
I nod, swallowing hard. "Yeah."
It goes silent, then her next words make my heart stop.
"Every time he gave me an orgasm, he'd break something, or cut something," she says in a small voice, her eyes filling with tears as she sniffs, curling her shoulders in. "But I know that's not normal because….well,because I've been with others,and they never did that to me."
"Jesus, Camilla," I half-whisper, horrified because I'm imagining it; visions of Tamryn in the throes of passion only to be literally broken flash unwanted in my mind. Then, as if it wasn't already bad enough, it plays on fucking repeat to torture me further.
How would I even pursue a sexual relationship with her without fucking her or myself up even more than we already are?
Her eyes flicker to mine before lowering back to her plate where she just stares for a long time. So long that I get up and sink to my knees in front of her. I put my head in her lap and take a deep breath. "I don't like this," I say quietly.
"This?"Her fingers go into my hair, and I look up sharply.
"No, I don't mean this," I gesture between us, before placing my hand over her heart, "I meanthis."
Her eyes dilate. "Oh, o-okay." She wets her lips nervously, squirming in her seat.
