Page 106 of If the Stars Align
I just want her.
And I simply don’t know how to get over her.
My therapist says to be patient with myself.
But in three short months, Sunny will be married to Jeremy.
When she texted me after my Oscar speech to tell me how proud she is of me, I found the courage to ask when her wedding is, and she told me. Since then, I’ve had plenty of fantasies about crashing it. And in every single one, Sunny takes one look at me and runs down the aisle and into my arms.
It’s a nice thought. Better than nice—incredible. And I wish, more than anything, that I still had a chance with her.
But I know Sunny. And Ireallydon’t think she’d be getting married if she weren’t happy. Yes, she’s pragmatic. But she’s a romantic at heart. That’s why she loves romance novels so much.
No matter what, I just want her to get her happy ending.
And as for me? I guess that remains to be seen.
For now, I still have this arrangement with Jenna to distract me.
After she spends the entire weekend at my place, we wake up late on Monday since neither of us has anywhere to be.
We’re sipping coffee in bed when she turns to me. “Can we talk about something, Dex?”
“Of course.” I place my cup on the nightstand and turn to her. In moments like these, I sometimes still expect to feel the familiar flood of panic in my veins. But my breath is even, and my hands are steady. All I feel is calm.
And grateful that I finally got the help I needed.
“This whole friends-with-benefits thing…” Jenna begins. “It’s been fun. And I think we’re lucky it hasn’t blown up in our faces yet. But obviously this won’t work long-term. At some point, I think we either stop sleeping together…or we actually try out a real relationship. And I’ve been giving both options some thought.”
I nod, listening.
“I never told you why I swore off love,” she continues. “And I’m still not ready to go into the details. But…remember how I started dating someone as soon as I got to college?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“Well…I fell head over heels for him. And, um—” She swallows. “It didn’t end well.”
She looks down at her lap quietly for several seconds. After taking her last sip of coffee, she puts her mug down, then goes on.
“I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone like that again, Dex. And, from what you’ve told me, I don’t think you’ll ever love anyone the way you love Sunny.” She lets out a heavy sigh. “But…what if that makes us perfect for each other? I mean, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. And I also don’t want to hurt anyone knowing I’ll never love them the way they deserve.”
Her cheeks flush as she meets my gaze. “So…what if we tried turning what we have into a real relationship? And, who knows? Maybe over time, we’d grow to love each other. It wouldn’t be the same love we had for our exes, but…it would besomething.”
For a moment, I’m quiet.
She makes a good point. And what she’s suggesting isn’t totally unreasonable.
But…
She bites her lip as she eyes what I can only guess is a look of concern on my face. “You’re not on board, are you,” she says.
I sigh. “Part of me is tempted to say yes. I mean, we’re obviously attracted to each other, and we get along so well—it would be easy. A hell of a lot easier than actually putting myself out there and trying to find real love again. I don’t know if I’m capable of it either, Jenna. But I think I owe it to myself to try. I’ve spent so many years avoiding anything I thought would trigger my anxiety, and now that I’ve done the work to manage it, I don’twant to act from a place of fear anymore. From here on out…I want to live authentically. And I think you deserve that, too.”
Her eyes well with tears, but she cracks a smile. “So you’re telling me I can’t bury my head in the sand my entire life?”
I chuckle and take her hand.
I’m sad for Jenna. Whatever happened with her ex seems to have robbed her of the lightheartedness I remember so well from high school.
