Page 108 of If the Stars Align
I felt like a good kid being scolded for a bad grade in school.
But when I told him that yelling at me definitely wasn’t helping my blood pressure, he mellowed out a bit.
It was a rough three weeks for us while I was on medical leave, but I was so excited about secretly working on my writing sample that I didn’t care as much about his moods.
In any event, when I returned to work a much calmer and happier version of Sunny than he’d seen in a while, he pulled a 180 and became sweet Jeremy again. Maybe he figured a short break from work was all I needed to get back on track as a litigator.
Whatever he was thinking, I guess I’ll find out tonight.
Jeremy wants to take me to an upscale sushi restaurant to celebrate my birthday. The maki rolls and sashimi are delicious, as are the fancy cocktails, and my fiancé is in a great mood. We’re laughing and flirting—and for a minute, I consider telling him about Northwestern right here and now.
Maybe he won’t react so badly if we’re out in public, I think to myself.
But if I’m to be my authentic self, then I need to know the man I’m marrying as well.All of him. Not just the performance he puts on when it suits him.
I learned that from Dex.
When I watched his Oscar speech the other week, I sobbed.
Thank goodness I was home alone. Jeremy was at the office prepping for trial.
For one thing, my heart broke because Dex told me he’d gotten help for his anxiety years ago—and I chose to believehim. I mean, he’s an incredible actor, obviously. But I think, deep down, I knew he wasn’t being honest. It was just easier to take his word for it, because I’d broken up with him, and we were miles apart. I wasn’t in a position to help him.
I’m wracked with guilt over it. And I’m so sad he suffered in silence for as long as he did.
But the impact he’s making on the world is nothing short of heroic. The media’s reporting that therapists are experiencing a boom in business—particularly those who work with men and boys, who are less likely to seek help than their female counterparts.
And what I find most inspiring is that Dex isn’t hiding under a mask and a cape to make the world a better place. He’s doing it by beinghimself.
I keep that in mind when Jeremy and I get home from dinner, and he’s leading me to the bedroom.
“There’s something I need to talk to you about first,” I say as soon as he turns to kiss me.
“Okay,” he says pulling back. He goes to sit on the bed, and I follow him.
“When I was on medical leave for my blood pressure…I decided to apply to Northwestern’s MFA program,” I tell him. “Today, I found out I got in.”
His brow is furrowed. He inches away from me on the bed. “You didwhat?” he asks. “Why?”
“Jeremy, I picked the wrong career. Law isn’t for me. I put in three years, and the high-stress nature of the job made me sick. I don’t want to find out what happens if I stick it out any longer.It’s no one’s fault…it’s just a fact. Being an attorney is not the right fit for me.”
He scoffs. “It’s no one’sfault? Wow, Sunny, way to shirk any responsibility for your life.Ourlife. We’re getting married in three months, for fuck’s sake! And you’re going to sit here and tell me you’re changing careers—to something completely fucking impractical, by the way—and you want me to, what…supportthis harebrained decision? Bankroll you, so you can play in never-never land, while I bust my ass with a realjob?”
I expected him to be argumentative, and I’m prepared to hold my ground. “I don’t need your money, Jeremy. I have enough saved up to pay for grad school myself. But Idoneed your support. This career made me physically ill. Is that really the life you want for me?”
He stands and paces back and forth in front of me. “So you hate litigation—fine. Pick a different area of law, then. Write contracts or some shit. I don’t care?—”
“You said it yourself in law school—that would bore me to tears. I don’twantto write contracts, Jeremy. I want to writenovels.Beautiful, sweeping love stories that make people laugh, and cry…and maybe even inspire them to live a more authentic life.”
He smirks. “You want to writeromance, Sunny. People won’t get anything out of your books but a cheap thrill. It’s fucking embarrassing. How am I supposed to introduce you to people now? When we’re at work events, should I say, ‘Hey, this is my extremely intelligent and talented wife who used to be a successful attorney, but gave it all up to be the next Danielle Steel?’”
“Donottalk shit about Danielle Steel,” I warn. “And why iskeeping up appearances more important to you than the health and well-being of the woman you love?”
He stops pacing and faces me. “The woman Iloveisn’t here anymore, Sunny!” he yells, his hands in the air. “Don’t you see? The woman I fell for was at the top of her class in law school. A star legal researcher and writer. Someone who cared about her fucking appearance?—”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Jeremy stands with his hands on his hips. “How much weight have you put on these last few months, Sunny?”
